


Memories And Dreams

by Katlady2000



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:48:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 57,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24616318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katlady2000/pseuds/Katlady2000
Summary: Back on Earth, Chakotay gets a visitor who makes him face his past, a past where he turned his back on Kathryn when she needed him most. Now she needs him again. Can he get past his own pain and guilt in order to be there for her this time?
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 7
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> God, I hate trying to write summaries LOL. This is mainly an angst story but there are babies in there. I wouldn't call it a babyfic but that's your decision…
> 
> This story has taken a long time to finish and I left it and came back to it many times. Finally, it was finished – with much help (and persuasion). 
> 
> **So – thanks a million to:**  
>  **Judy** – my ever patient beta who read and re-read this and made so many helpful and useful suggestions and corrections, of which there were many. She cracked her whip when needed, even when I probably drove her to madness. Thanks, my friend – for everything. I'd be lost without you.  
>  **Gine** – who also read and re-read this until I was sure she'd hit me with it. She became my mirror so many times as I worked through this. Dear SS, your encouragement and friendship have been beyond words. And… You know what I mean.

"Excuse me…Captain Chakotay?" 

A dark head looked up from a pile of padds. "Yes. I'm Captain Chakotay. May I help you?" 

The woman hesitantly entered the empty classroom. "Yes…I…" 

Chakotay smiled. "I'm afraid classes are over for the day if you're meeting someone and they're full if you're looking for a place." 

The fair-haired woman came closer. "No…no…I'm not a student. This isn't an academic matter." 

Chakotay nodded slowly and smiled. "Ahh…a reporter." He looked down at his desk and began to pile some padds together. "I'm sorry…but I don't give many interviews." He looked up at his visitor. 

She shook her head. "Not that either." 

Chakotay let his smile slip a little as he raised his hands in the universal sign of surrender. "I give up." 

The woman drew in a deep breath. "Actually, it's a personal matter." 

Chakotay frowned now and his suspicions grew. "Do I know you?" 

She shook her head again. "No. My name is Elizabeth Fulton." She hesitated a moment. "Could we talk somewhere privately?" She saw the man before her was waiting for her to continue. She looked around, feeling a little out of her depth. "Somewhere…else?" 

Chakotay studied her a moment and then stood up, gathering his things together. "All right. I was just heading to the campus coffee shop." 

Elizabeth leaned forward. "I'm sorry. Could we perhaps go to your office?" She saw the large man size her up. "Please…it's important." 

Chakotay picked up his belongings and nodded. "All right. I'm not sure why I'm agreeing to this but…" He sighed and waved towards the door. "This way." 

* * *

Chakotay looked over at the woman sitting in front of his desk. "Tea or coffee?" 

She shook her head. "No. Thank you. Please go ahead though." 

Chakotay got a tea for himself then sat down behind his desk. "So what is this about, Ms…Fulton?" 

The woman smiled softly. "It's Dr. Fulton actually." She pulled her Medical ID from her pocket and showed it to the man before her. He studied it a moment and then nodded his satisfaction. Placing it back in her pocket, she drew in a deep breath. "May I ask you just one favour please?" 

Chakotay took a sip of his tea. "All right." 

She smiled her thanks. "Can I just ask that you hear me out? I promise I'm sincere in my reasons for being here. I'm not some crazy Starfleet groupie or anything." 

Chakotay smiled at that. "All right. I'll hear you out." 

Elizabeth nodded and smiled. "Thank you." 

Chakotay watched as she mentally rehearsed what she wanted to say. He leaned forward a little and smiled at her discomfort. "I don't bite, you know." 

The doctor nodded but didn't share his joke with him. She drew in a deep breath. "I'm here about Kathryn Janeway." 

The smile fell from Chakotay's face and his features hardened immediately as his defences went up. He leaned back in his chair. "That's a name I haven't heard in some time." He looked down at his cup. "I'm not sure I want to hear it again now." 

Dr. Fulton leaned forward quickly, placing a hand on the desk before her. "Look, this isn't… You promised you'd hear me out. Please. It's important. I wouldn't be here otherwise." Her eyes implored the man before her and something in her demeanour confirmed her sincerity. 

Chakotay studied her for almost a full minute before finally nodding. "All right. Say your piece and then leave." 

Elizabeth sat back and sighed. "As I said, my name is Dr. Elizabeth Fulton. I'm Kathryn's doctor." 

Chakotay barely nodded. "What kind of doctor are you?" 

She held his eyes. "I'm a psychiatrist." 

He laughed at that, shocking the woman in front of him with his change of mood. "So, she's finally seeing a counsellor. About time." He shook his head then grew serious again. "Sorry." He leaned forward now giving her his full attention. "So why do you need to see me? I don't know anything about her anymore. Did she send you here?" 

Dr. Fulton shook her head sadly. "No. She doesn't know I'm here." She sat back and softly pleaded. "Please…can you tell me what happened between the two of you?" 

Chakotay's expression was suddenly like granite. He pushed his chair back and stood up, moving to the window to look out and gain control of his emotions. "Didn't you get the story from her?" He looked back at Elizabeth. "Oh, I get it. You want my side of it." 

Elizabeth just sat patiently and waited. Chakotay stared back out the window for several moments lost in thought. "Why do you want to know all this? Why should I tell you anything about my private life?" 

The young woman sighed. "I know it's asking a lot, but I really need to know. I give you my word that this is strictly confidential. Nothing you tell me will ever be repeated." She saw him turn and study her, gauging the honesty of her words and the sincerity in her eyes. "Please just trust me that this is very important. I really need to know. I wouldn't have troubled you otherwise." 

Without understanding why, Chakotay suddenly returned to his desk and sat down again. "I don't know why I'm telling you this. Probably because it's past now…and somehow I trust you, although I can't explain that." He leaned back in his chair, as if needing the support it offered him. He looked at the woman before him. "I take it you know the general background to all this…where we were and how we got there?" 

Elizabeth nodded. "I know about that, and that the two of you were together. I need to know what happened to cause your break-up and the feelings you have now." 

Chakotay sighed heavily and nodded his understanding. He was silent for a moment before speaking. "We weren't married, but we'd finally started a relationship. She seemed happy with that…with the crew knowing. They were delighted for us." He shook his head as he remembered. "We were in a relationship…finally. We were happy. I was over the moon…especially when she told me she was pregnant. I was the happiest man in the world. It was all I could ever have wanted." He came close to a smile for a brief moment before it disappeared. 

"She wasn't so sure, but she eventually seemed to accept the idea of a baby, especially when she saw that the crew approved. It was life as usual though for her. I nagged her constantly about eating right, not drinking so much coffee, getting more rest. It all fell on deaf ears. It often felt as if she was denying the baby's existence. I think that had she had the choice of not being pregnant, she'd have taken it." He shrugged sadly. 

"She was just under five months pregnant. We were low on supplies…as usual. We came to this planet and the natives agreed to trade with us…supply what we needed. Everything went fine. They even directed us to a nearby moon where we could get the minerals they couldn't supply us with." He sighed again. 

"We managed some shore leave and got a bit of time alone and it was great…for me anyway. I was so happy…so much to look forward to. She seemed happy to be off the ship too." He shook his head. 

"The problem started when we reached the moon and she insisted on going with the away team to mine the minerals. I fought her on it. Even the doctor advised her against it. Of course, there was some damn thing there she just had to study. I can't even remember what it was now. It certainly wasn't important enough that she had to take the risk of going on a mining expedition even though she promised to be careful." His anger was coming back now and fuelling his words. 

"No one was sure what happened. There was a cave-in…some explosion…a reaction with our drilling against the natural gases in the caves. I never looked for all the details. B'Elanna, our chief engineer who was with her, called for an emergency beam out to sickbay." 

Chakotay sat forward, his forehead in his hands as he re-lived the events he was talking about. "There was so much blood. She was conscious…crying out. The Doctor pushed me away…called for Tom Paris who usually assisted him. They worked for what felt like hours. Eventually the Doctor came out and told me…" He closed his eyes and whispered the words. "She'd lost the baby…internal injuries…blood loss…" 

Elizabeth sat silently and gave the man before her the time he needed. Finally he continued. "Later, when she came around from the anaesthetic… The Doctor called me down. I didn't want to be there…didn't want to see her even. He wanted me there though, and I found out why." He drew in a deep breath. 

"He told us…told her…that there'd been complications during the surgery…that because of them she'd never be able to have any more children." 

Elizabeth felt the need to speak at this point. "I'm so sorry." 

Chakotay didn't seem to hear her. "I couldn't look at her. All the time she'd been unconscious, I'd been letting my anger and bitterness build. I think I began to hate her the moment I was told my child was dead." He sighed again. 

"She just lay there. No reaction. No emotion. She didn't even ask about the baby. I asked the Doctor… I remember saying something like I didn't care if she didn't want to know, but I did. I demanded to know. Eventually he just handed me a padd and I read it there…that the baby had been a boy…my son…" He got up quickly and walked over to the replicator. He stood there for several moments before speaking, getting his emotions under control. "Tea?" 

The doctor shook her head. "No…thank you." 

Chakotay nodded and ordered some more tea for himself. "I didn't see her for the next month. I couldn't look at her…was afraid of what I'd say. My last words to her had been in sickbay that day…although not TO her exactly. I remember thanking the Doctor and then saying that I was finished there and had a ship to run." He sighed. 

"She returned to her quarters when she was released from sickbay…what had been our quarters, but I moved out that first day." He shook his head. "After a month she came back on duty. I'd been acting captain during that time. She called me into the ready room, said something about having to get the crew home and needing to work together. I barely acknowledged her. I couldn't." 

Elizabeth spoke again. "You made it home together though." 

Chakotay shrugged. "We communicated only to run the ship and most of that was through others. We never spoke outside of ship's business again." 

He moved back to his desk and sat down once more. "She was Starfleet through and through. I always saw myself walking away and her staying on. I never thought I'd be the one to stay. I certainly never believed she'd leave. But I stayed and accepted the promotion they offered, and she walked away." 

Chakotay took a deep drink of his fresh tea and then put the cup down, his face hard. "Different from her side of the story?" 

Elizabeth shook her head. "She didn't go into as much detail, but it ties in." 

Chakotay sighed, barely keeping his anger in check. "Look, Doctor, I've told you what happened, although I still don't know why, and I've listened to you. I parted company with her within days of getting back here and I haven't seen her since. That suits me just fine." He picked up a padd from his desk and activated it. "Now…I have work." 

Elizabeth stayed where she was until he looked up again. "I haven't finished. I've barely talked, in fact. You promised to hear me out." 

Chakotay threw the padd down on his desk and fell back in his chair with a deep sigh. "Whatever it takes to finish this." 

The doctor shook her head. "By rights I shouldn't be here…shouldn't be talking to you at all but…" She sighed and sat back. 

"Kathryn was referred to me. She was a patient at the hospital where I work. I was asked to see her. She was there because…" She closed her eyes a moment before looking back at Chakotay. "There's no easy way to say this, but… She attempted suicide. And in case you're wondering… No…it wasn't a cry for help or attention seeking. She meant it. She took a massive overdose. It's a miracle she was found at all." 

Chakotay just stared at her. If he was shocked, he hid it well. "How?" 

Elizabeth sighed. "She checked into a hotel and did it. There was a small electrical fire a few rooms down and the fire fighters found her when they were checking the other rooms. They got her to the hospital just in time." 

Chakotay just shook his head. "I don't know what to say." 

Dr. Fulton ignored him. "Anyway…as in all these cases, she was referred to a psychiatrist…and I was on duty. I saw her and we talked." She sat back and smiled sadly. "She knew she wasn't getting out of there until she talked to me, so she did. She told me some things…said a lot of what she thought I wanted to hear. Eventually she was discharged on the condition she saw me as an out-patient. I wasn't happy with that, but I reluctantly agreed." 

She rubbed at her eyes. "That was my mistake. I let her down. She tried again…tried to kill herself again." 

Chakotay looked across at his visitor giving her his full attention. "Tried? Then she's not…?" 

Elizabeth looked weary now. "Dead? No. Believe it or not, she was found again. I guess she has someone up above looking out for her…some guardian angel. This time she went off into the wilderness. She took a transport to Vickers National Park and hiked into the hills. She threw herself into a river…and at the worst time of the year. It was raging…swollen… She was found by two hikers a few miles down river." The doctor shook her head. "She had severe injuries…head injuries… spinal… internal…broken bones…" She looked up and sighed heavily, sadness radiating from her eyes. "Physically she's on the mend now, but it was some struggle." 

Chakotay rubbed at his temples, his expression unreadable. "So why are you here? Are you afraid she'll try again? There's nothing I can…" 

Elizabeth interrupted him. "As she is, she won't try again." She drew in a deep breath. "Captain, she's…what could best be described as…catatonic…or close to it. She's withdrawn so far inside herself and I can't reach her. I let her down before. I refused to see or just didn't see the risk. I want… No. I NEED to fix that…for her sake mostly, but also if I'm honest, for my own. I failed her. As a doctor, that's hard to accept." 

Chakotay sighed and leaned forward, lacing his fingers together on his desk. "Look, I'm sorry for what happened to her, but I'm not the answer to this." 

Elizabeth watched him. "You're still very bitter…angry…" 

Chakotay showed some of that anger and bitterness. "Yes, I am." 

Elizabeth shook her head sadly. "She murdered your child." Chakotay stared hard at her as she shrugged slightly. "Her words, Captain. Words I think you probably agree with." 

Silence followed as Chakotay sat back and studied his hands. Finally he spoke. "At one time maybe…" He sighed. "Probably still…I don't know." 

Elizabeth smiled sadly. "I do. In the time you've been speaking of her, you haven't once used her name. You've said 'she' or 'her' but never once 'Kathryn'." 

Chakotay said nothing to that because it was true. He squeezed his eyes closed for a moment. "My son…" 

Elizabeth spoke softly. "Her son too." 

Chakotay's face hardened again, bitterness dripping from his words. "Too bad she didn't think of that back then. She never really wanted that baby and in the end she got her way. As far as I was concerned at the time, she may as well have had an abortion." He shook his head, as if regretting the severity of his words. "I apologize. That was uncalled for and very unfair…no matter what." 

Elizabeth just shook her head. "You have a lot of pain." 

Chakotay merely shrugged. "Still…" He frowned then as a thought struck him. "You didn't seem surprised when I said 'my son'. It's as if you knew." 

Elizabeth smiled sadly. "I knew your baby was a boy, yes. Kathryn told me." 

Chakotay looked surprised at that. "I didn't think she wanted to know." 

The young woman shook her head. "She did. She asked your Doctor and he told her." She leaned back. "I think there are probably a few things you don't know." 

Chakotay looked up quickly at that, his eyes narrowing. "Like what?" 

Elizabeth sighed and leaned forward. "I shouldn't really be telling you this, but under the circumstances, I'll do anything to try and make all this right." 

Chakotay watched her carefully. "What should I know?" 

The doctor took a moment to formulate her words. "Did you know that she asked your Doctor to keep the baby in stasis?" Chakotay stared at her in shock. "She buried him here on Earth and used to visit his grave regularly." 

Chakotay swallowed loudly. "I never knew…" 

Elizabeth watched him carefully. "Didn't you ask what happened?" 

Chakotay shook his head as some of his anger dissipated. "No." He sighed heavily. "I should have. I was just so hurt and angry. She never told me…" He saw the answer to that on the doctor's face. "Yeah. Why would she when I ignored her. I know." 

Elizabeth studied him for a moment, debating how far to go. Finally she took the plunge. "You haven't really faced this before, have you, Captain?" 

Chakotay laughed sarcastically. "What's the matter, Doctor? Looking for a new patient? Going to analyse me now?" He regretted his words immediately. "Sorry. You're right. I've no right to accuse you or judge you." 

Elizabeth held her hands up, accepting his apology. "That's OK. You've every right. I suppose I am doing that." She leaned back. "Since you mention analysis though, I think you've built up hate for her since all this happened…probably in order to cover all your other feelings…in order to avoid dealing with it and feeling the hurt and pain. It's easier to take it all and roll it into this one ball of hate and blame towards her and you've been hitting her with it ever since." Chakotay said nothing as she pushed on. 

"Look, you had every right to be angry and hurt…to feel grief at the loss of your son, but rather than deal with that and work through it, you converted it into this hate and turned it against her." 

Chakotay felt his anger return. "I wasn't to blame. The Doctor warned her. I warned her. Several crew members warned her, but Kathryn Janeway knew better." His face twisted. "There. I said her name. Happy now?" 

Elizabeth felt a little anger of her own. "Captain, she made a mistake and…" 

Chakotay glared at her. "A mistake that cost my son his life." 

Elizabeth leaned forward, her voice harder. "And you can't ever forgive her? She lost her son too." 

Chakotay softened slightly. "I know that. I suppose now you're going to tell me that a miscarriage is far worse on a woman than a man." 

Elizabeth looked shocked. "I would never say or believe that. Physically maybe it is, but that's all." She shook her head and sighed. "Look, you lost your child. She lost her child and she lost you. She also lost her ability to ever have another child. Don't you think she's been punished enough?" 

Chakotay took a deep breath. "I lost her too." 

Elizabeth shook her head. "No. You walked away from her. There's a difference." 

Chakotay shook his head too. "Not in my mind. The woman I thought I knew would have put her baby first." 

The doctor studied him for a moment. "You have another child I believe? I know it's not a replacement, but…" 

Chakotay's eyes narrowed. "How do you know about that?" 

Elizabeth smiled sadly. "Kathryn briefly mentioned that you'd married before you got home. You were expecting a child. She didn't elaborate." 

Chakotay's eyes travelled to an image frame on his desk. "I have a little girl. She's almost six months old now." He studied the image for a moment then looked back at his visitor. "Look, I'm sorry. You're probably right. All this has built up inside me over the years. If I'm honest, I don't really hate her. Maybe for a time I did, but not now. I still grieve for my lost son and I'll probably always blame her in some way for that, even though I know deep down that's wrong. Mostly I just try not to think of her at all." 

Elizabeth understood that. "What about your wife and child?" 

Chakotay's face clouded over with pain as his eyes returned to the holo image. "My wife was an ensign on Voyager. Her name was Louise." He sighed heavily. "She died in childbirth…almost unheard of these days, but there were severe and unforeseen complications when Rose was born." 

Elizabeth let her sadness show. "I'm sorry…about your wife. That's very hard and unfair." Chakotay said nothing, merely nodded. Elizabeth tried to change track as she smiled sadly. "Your daughter's name is Rose?" 

Chakotay nodded again. "Yes. Louise loved the name. She picked it to honour her mother who died when she was young." He picked up the frame and handed it to the doctor. 

She took it and smiled at the picture of the cute little girl. "She's your daughter all right. A little double. She's beautiful." She studied the image a moment longer, then handed it back. 

Chakotay smiled as he put it back in its place. "She's a handful." Finally he tore his eyes away and forced his mind back to the woman before him. "Do you know where my son is buried?" 

Elizabeth shook her head. "I'm sorry. I don't know. I think perhaps Voyager's Doctor might, but I'm not sure." 

Chakotay looked down at his hands. "You think I should have asked." It wasn't a question. 

Elizabeth nodded. "Yes, I do. From what I know you walked away that day…said you wanted to hear no more and told the Doctor never to speak to you about it again. You washed your hands of it all." 

Chakotay at least looked guilty about that. "Yes, I did, but that day was… Later…as time went on…it just got harder." 

The young doctor watched him. "It was a month before Kathryn returned as captain?" Again Chakotay nodded. "You didn't see her at all during that month?" 

Chakotay shook his head. "I sent Tuvok, our security officer and acting First Officer, to liaise with her. He was her friend for many years." 

Elizabeth hated hurting him, but needed to say her piece. "Look, there's something you need to know. Kathryn never told you. You should know that as he treated her afterwards, your Doctor discovered that she probably would have miscarried anyway." 

Chakotay's head snapped up. "Oh, come on. That's too convenient." 

Elizabeth shook her head quickly. "There's no easy way to say this but…" She drew in a deep breath. "It seems your son would have been handicapped. Even had he been full term, which was very unlikely, he wouldn't have lived long." She saw the shock and pain her words caused. "I'm sorry, but you should know about this." 

Chakotay stared at her. "Why didn't she tell me this? Why didn't the Doctor?" 

She had to be honest. "You'd made yourself very clear. You were finished there. There was nothing more there for you and you had a ship to run." 

The point hit home and it hurt. Chakotay nodded slowly. "You're right. Point taken." He sighed deeply and stood up, going to the window once more. He was quiet with his thoughts for several moments. Finally he looked back at the woman sitting at his desk. "You must think I'm a real bastard." 

She shook her head. "No. I can't say I agree with how you acted, but I wasn't there. I wasn't in your shoes. I didn't feel your pain." She sighed. "I did wonder if perhaps there was something in your past that…" 

Chakotay laughed cynically. "What? Something to explain the bastard I was back then as well?" 

Elizabeth shook her head. "I thought perhaps a girlfriend or someone might have had a termination against your wishes or… You mentioned earlier that Kathryn may as well have had an abortion and…" 

He shook his head and sighed heavily. "No. There are no excuses for me. One woman did use me…stole my DNA to impregnate herself against my wishes, but she failed. I did think the child was mine for a while, but I found out the truth." He blew out a long, slow breath. "So, Doctor Fulton, with all that, why do you think I can help? Shouldn't I be the last person she'd want help from?" 

The young doctor watched him a moment, deciding to be totally honest. "I've tried everything else. You were the only real thing she talked about, inasmuch as she talked about anything. I'm just asking you to see her…to try." 

Chakotay matched her honesty. "You're asking a lot. It took me a long time to get over all that. I've really no wish to re-visit it." He looked at the young woman, hoping she'd understand. 

She shook her head. "Surely at one time…" 

Chakotay laughed derisively. "What? I owe her?" 

Elizabeth sighed. "I just mean that she must have meant something to you at one time." 

Chakotay came back to his desk and sat once again. "So…for old time's sake?" 

She nodded. "Something like that. Whatever it takes." 

Chakotay studied her for several minutes. "I know this probably sounds very ignorant of me, but… Can't you bring her out of it some other way? It's the 24th century. Isn't there a hypospray or something?" 

The doctor smiled sadly. "If it were only that simple." She shook her head. "No, Captain, even in the 24th century the human mind is more powerful than all our technology and medical knowledge put together. It doesn't work that way I'm afraid. You're my only hope." 

Chakotay nodded very slowly. "I'll think about it. That's the most I can offer you." 

Elizabeth knew it was the best she'd get and had no choice but to accept it. She reached into her bag and withdrew a padd. "Here are my details and what you'll need…the clinic address where Kathryn is and so on. I only work part time at the hospital where she was brought. Most of my work is at that clinic." 

Chakotay took the padd but didn't look at it. He placed it on his desk, face down. "As I said, I will think about it. I won't make promises to you other than that." 

Elizabeth stood and extended her hand. "That's better than nothing. Thank you for seeing me and hearing me out." 

Chakotay stood also and shook her hand. "I'll contact you one way or the other. I won't just leave it." 

The young woman smiled as she let go of his hand. "Thank you again. I'll just hope, if that's all right." As she moved towards the door, she stopped and turned back to look at Chakotay. She sighed heavily. "You know the sad thing? She could still have a child." 

Chakotay looked confused. "But the Doctor said…" 

The young woman shrugged. "Captain, you were in the Delta Quadrant. Your Doctor had the most up-to-date medical knowledge when you left. He had no access to the medical advances made during the time you were away, and seven years is a long time in medicine. The latest surgical techniques and knowledge make it possible for her to carry a child to term. She knows that but refused to have the surgery. In her words, she doesn't deserve to be a mother." She watched him absorb that, his eyes falling to the image of his daughter. She decided he'd had enough for one day. 

"I have to go. I'll look forward to hearing from you. Thank you again for seeing me." 

When Chakotay looked up, the room was empty. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chakotay spent his evening the way he spent all his evenings, looking after his young daughter. He studied her as she lay on the rug and smiled, remembering Elizabeth Fulton's words that she was his double. She'd been right, and it sometimes saddened him that there was little if no resemblance to Louise in the child. 

He made a face at the baby and received a smile and a gurgle in return, making his heart swell. His entire world was wrapped up in this little one, but he knew he wouldn't change a thing except maybe to have Louise there to share her. 

As he played with the little girl and prepared her for her bath and bed, his mind constantly returned to his earlier visitor. Their entire conversation played itself over and over in his mind, stirring memories and feelings he wanted to forget forever. 

Making a conscious effort to put it from his mind, he tucked Rose into bed and switched on her mobile, smiling as her face lit up at the soft music and dancing lights and teddies. He watched her struggle to stay awake to enjoy the show, but sleep quickly won and within minutes, she was asleep, her thumb finding its way to her mouth. 

He watched his daughter sleep for several minutes before switching on the baby monitor and returning downstairs. He replicated a light dinner and took his time over it, the evening stretching before him. 

Finally he could find nothing more to occupy himself and sat down wearily on the couch, glancing towards the monitor at the sound of a small sigh. When no further sounds came he sat back and allowed his mind to finally travel back. 

Everything he'd told Elizabeth Fulton had been the truth. The memories assaulted him again now…the call coming in…the panic…Kathryn lying in sickbay…so much blood…her cries. Later, of course, the Doctor telling him that the baby was gone. He remembered storming out of sickbay, not even asking how Kathryn was. He'd returned to their quarters and immediately moved his belongings back to his old rooms. 

The following day he'd finally agreed with the Doctor to be present when he spoke with Kathryn. Not once had she met his eyes and that had angered him even more. He remembered the Doctor's words, about the complications during surgery and there being no more children. Questions screamed for answers in his mind and no one was asking them. He remembered thinking that Kathryn would want to know what the baby had been, but when she didn't ask he demanded the answer for himself. The Doctor had been uncomfortable, reluctant to answer. Finally he handed over a padd and it was there that he read about his son, knowing the gender making the baby more real. Pain had slammed into him at the knowledge. 

After that it was almost a blur. He remembered saying that he was finished there, had no more business there and had a ship to run, never once looking at the woman on the biobed, unconcerned for how she was taking everything she'd been told. In truth, he'd been afraid to look at her. He'd turned and walked away, never once looking back. 

Over the next month he'd refused to see her, his pain and anger growing rather than receding. He saw Tuvok and the others watching him with deep sadness, but they knew better than to speak to him about it. 

When Kathryn had returned to duty a month later, she'd called him to her ready room. One look at his face probably told her to stick to ship's business. At that moment he turned his heart to stone where Kathryn Janeway was concerned, speaking only when absolutely necessary and delegating business with the captain where possible. Kathryn never questioned it and had no choice but to accept it. Their relationship had died with their child. 

When they finally got home eighteen months later, he was married to Louise, Tuvok having performed the ceremony, and his wife was five months pregnant. Not once had he stopped to even wonder how much hurt and pain Kathryn might have been feeling. 

He'd seen Kathryn during the first two days of debriefings while they'd awaited the decision on their fate. Several times he'd caught her watching him, sadness etched deeply on her face, but he'd turned away immediately. After that they were interviewed separately and he hadn't seen her again. At the end of the week he was offered a promotion, which he accepted. He had a wife and baby to think about and needed the work. He also learned that Kathryn had resigned, simply walked away. The news shocked him somewhat, but he pushed his feelings aside. He had his own life now and that life did not include Kathryn Janeway. 

And now it was all coming back to haunt him. Time had eased some of his pain, had taken the edge off his anger and bitterness, but he knew he'd kept it fed instead of letting it go. 

He shook his head and stood, stretching the stiffness from his body. He looked towards the mantle to the picture of his late wife and smiled. She'd never questioned him about his feelings for their captain, but he'd always sensed her disapproval at the anger and bitterness he harboured. 

"You always thought I was wrong. You were a far better person than I'll ever be." He smiled at her image. "What would you want me to do?" 

The answer was already there. He remembered their last time together, just before she died. She'd begged him to someday find a mother for their daughter, to not stay alone or married to a memory. And she'd pleaded with him to free himself from all that held him back. He'd known exactly what she meant and had held her hand and promised her he would. It was a promise he'd never kept. 

He walked over to the image now and stroked the glass. "I know what you'd want, but I'm not sure I'm ready." He looked at the other image on the mantle, the entire crew in far happier times. He'd stupidly blocked out Kathryn in the image, a childish move he knew. He looked at all the faces, all smiling for the imager. They'd all been sad to witness what their captain and First Officer were going through, but they'd never once commented or judged. When he married, they'd quietly celebrated with him while silently supporting Kathryn. And when Rose was born and Louise died, they were there for him then too 

Suddenly he made up his mind. Tomorrow he'd go and see the Doctor. He needed verification from someone he knew and trusted, and only one person could do that. With that decision made he felt a slight weight lift from him. He looked back at Louise's image and smiled at her. "Don't expect miracles, but maybe it's a start. Be patient with me." 

* * *

Voyager's EMH was delighted to see his former First Officer. "Commander…sorry… Captain." 

Chakotay waved away the title. "It's Chakotay…just Chakotay." 

The Doctor smiled and nodded. "Chakotay it is then. It's good to see you again. How are you and how is that little lady?" 

Chakotay's face broke into a wide grin at the mention of his daughter. "Changing by the day…and changing too quickly also. She's fine and I'm good too." 

The EMH waved towards a chair. "Please sit. Is this business or pleasure?" 

Chakotay sat and waited until the Doctor sat also. "Actually, it's personal." He smiled as he remembered Elizabeth Fulton's similar words. He looked up at the hologram. "I had a visitor yesterday." 

Chakotay spent the next twenty minutes telling the Doctor about the psychiatrist's visit and all she'd told him. 

The medic showed real emotion as he took it all in. Finally he sat back and shook his head. "I worried about that possibility. I think I've always been waiting to hear this news." 

Chakotay looked sadly at the Doctor. "Is any of what she said true?" 

The Doctor nodded slowly. "Yes." 

Chakotay rubbed at his face. "Why didn't you tell me?" 

The medic leaned forward and placed his hands on his desk. "Because she pleaded with me not to. Had you asked of course, I would have told you. You had a right to know and she accepted that." 

Chakotay sighed heavily. "And I never asked…" He closed his eyes a moment. "Why would she not want you to tell me though?" 

The medic shrugged. "She felt you needed someone to blame…to hate… I guess she thought it would be easier for you." 

Chakotay rubbed at his temples, feeling the start of a headache. "And he was…my son…he would have been…handicapped?" 

The Doctor nodded sadly. "Yes, he would have been severely handicapped. I'm sorry." 

Chakotay held the Doctor's eyes. "And she could well have miscarried?" 

The Doctor nodded again as he laced his fingers together. "Almost certainly. It sounds very cruel, but nature has her own way. Sadly, even in this day and age, we haven't eliminated all handicaps." He leaned back now. "Look, I know I advised her not to go on that away mission…warned her to be careful…but I'd have told any expectant mother the same thing. It's a standard speech. Had the pregnancy been stable, chances are she wouldn't have lost the baby then, but in time I believe she would have. None of this showed up in my scans beforehand, but the baby was handicapped. That showed up in the autopsy I had to perform. Even had she gone to full term, he would have died shortly after birth." 

Chakotay just sat and shook his head. "Her injuries though…they must have…" 

The EMH gently interrupted him. "Most of her injuries were to her upper body and head…" 

Chakotay closed his eyes as he remembered. "But there was so much blood from…" 

The Doctor sighed. "A lot of the blood was from the miscarriage but most was from her injuries…internal and external. She'd have haemorrhaged anyway and there's always a heavy blood loss with…" 

Chakotay stood up quickly. "I don't know what to think." 

The medic looked up at him. "You know, any accident could just as easily have happened on board Voyager. A trip, a fall, alien attack… There were times when the ship was a far more dangerous place than any planet." 

Chakotay raised a hand, silently acknowledging what the Doctor said. He was silent for more than a minute as he stared out into the empty lab. Finally, he turned his head and looked at his friend. "She buried him?" 

The Doctor nodded, his face a mask of sadness. "She asked me to hold him in stasis. After we got home, she came for him and buried him. It was a lovely service…" 

Chakotay whirled around in shock. "You were there?" 

The Doctor nodded slowly. "Yes. She asked me and I was honoured." 

Chakotay moved slowly back to his chair and sat down. "Where?" 

The medic looked at him sadly. "A small cemetery outside of San Francisco…near the Napa Valley. They call it The Angel Field. It's for children…a very sad place and yet peaceful…beautifully kept." 

Chakotay sat back, trying to absorb that fact. "I take it she named him." 

The Doctor smiled. "Caylem Edward actually. After her father and the old man who died saving her…the one who believed she was his daughter on…" 

Chakotay waved a hand. "I remember." He looked down at the desk. "Caylem…" He tested the name on his lips and actually smiled. "It's nice. It's good to know he has a name and is…somewhere special." 

The EMH smiled his agreement. "She said it was the last and only thing she could do for him." He sighed sadly and looked at Chakotay. "That was the last time I saw her She hugged me and thanked me and then just walked away. As I said before, your news didn't surprise me. I only wish there was something I could have done for her. I wish she would have come to me for help. I may not be human, but I cared very deeply for her…loved her even. She was my captain and I her doctor but we were also good friends." 

Chakotay seemed in shock, trying to sort questions and answers in his mind. He looked over at the Doctor. "What about the surgery to have another child?" 

The medic nodded at that. "Yes…I told her about that a few days before the funeral. I found out about it when we got back and I had my 'updates' as they called them. There was so much missing from my memory and knowledge…so many advances to catch up on. As soon as I learned of it, I spoke with her." He shook his head and looked down at his hands. "She didn't want it. She said not being able to have another child was her punishment." He looked up now. "She always blamed herself far more than you did…said she didn't deserve a child…wouldn't trust herself with one and that she'd only ever have wanted one with you anyway. 'I murdered his child. I'm not fit to be a mother'. Her words." 

Chakotay dropped his head back and groaned. "Oh God…I really did one hell of a job on her, didn't I?" 

The Doctor watched him carefully and saw the pain the realization caused. He tried to ease it. "You'd just lost your long wanted and much loved child, Chakotay. Your anger and pain was very understandable." 

Chakotay shook his head. "Understandable maybe, but I think now misdirected for the most part. Kathryn may have some blame to take, but I should have been there to help her through it all instead of adding to her pain. I should have at least talked to her. I walked away from her, deserted her and only saw my own loss. I beat her with it every day and then married Louise and had another child. I never stopped to think how much hurt that must have caused her." 

The Doctor nodded sadly. "It did hurt her a lot, but she was also very happy for you. She said she was happy you'd found someone who could give you what she couldn't." 

Chakotay stared at the medic. "She spoke to you about it?" 

The EMH nodded slowly. "She often came to sickbay late at night to talk to me. She had trouble sleeping, finding peace, and she needed someone. I was happy to be there for her." 

Chakotay sighed and nodded. "Fulfilling the role that I should have." He groaned loudly. "Oh God…what did I do? Louise tried to make me see all this. She never said anything directly, but I know she never approved of the way I treated Kathryn. She understood my anger and pain, but not why I directed it all at the woman I was supposed to have loved. I'm not sure I understand it myself. I just lashed out, needed to blame someone, but that's no excuse." He looked squarely at the Doctor. "You don't approve of the way I've been either, do you?" 

The medic shrugged. "It's never been my place to disapprove or even understand why you feel as you do about all this. I accept it and I deal with it." 

Chakotay sighed sadly. "But you thought I was wrong. I disappointed you." 

The Doctor shook his head. "No. I was confused. I understood at first, but later…" He stroked the wood of his desk. "Let's just say I didn't think you'd have…couldn't reconcile the man I knew with…" He shook his head again. "It's still not my place." 

Chakotay sighed heavily. "No, you're right. I've behaved disgracefully and I know that deep down inside of me." He groaned again and dropped his head back for a moment. "Oh…at first all the pain and anger I had got me through…and yes…I did need to blame someone. I felt cheated. The truth is Kathryn never wanted the baby the way I did, so I lashed out at her. I never stopped to ask how she felt." He shook his head. "Later… Well, the longer it went on… Instead of healing, it festered and grew and I let it…almost encouraged it." He rubbed at his face. "I used to be a forgiving man and when I loved someone… That changed that day and I don't know why. I became so bitter." 

The Doctor coughed slightly. "Actually, we talked about that too. You're wrong in thinking that she didn't want the baby." 

Chakotay shook his head. "I saw the way she was. She worried about how she'd cope as captain." 

The medic interrupted him. "No. She worried about how she'd cope as a mother. She was afraid of failing you and failing the baby. She was also scared…afraid of the pregnancy." 

Chakotay looked shocked. "Afraid of the pregnancy?" 

The Doctor nodded. "You'd be surprised how many women are afraid of that…of their bodies changing…and I don't mean that from a vanity sense. She was afraid she wouldn't be able to cope. She was also afraid of the birth and that's also more common than you know." He sighed. "Chakotay, women are expected to just have children like shelling peas. They're told it's the most natural thing in the world and that every woman does it. That's easy to say, but for them, especially the first time, it's traumatic." He leaned forward. 

"I can tell you that men have been fathers since the beginning of time and most coped just fine. Can you honestly tell me you aren't scared to death at times of failing where Rose is concerned?" 

Chakotay sighed and shook his head. "No. I can't tell you that. The day I took her home I sat and watched her sleep and cried like an idiot. I was terrified. For weeks…months…I kept poking her when she was asleep to make sure she was still alive. I still do at times." 

The Doctor nodded his understanding. "All perfectly natural. Kathryn was no different, but she had added fears…like the pregnancy and birth. Women tend to not even talk with each other about it, but many are afraid. They're afraid of the pain…of something going wrong…of not being able to bond with their child…not able to feed… so many things…but they feel they'll be seen as a failure as a woman if they talk about it. You're only supposed to share the good stuff or moan about the aches, the swollen ankles and morning sickness. You're not supposed to talk about the fears or the doubts." 

Chakotay stared at the Doctor. "I had fears too. Why didn't she talk to me about how she felt?" 

The medic shrugged. "She was afraid to. She was the strong captain, expected to cope with anything and she thought people would expect the same from her in her private life. She was probably afraid she'd be seen as less of a woman. She also didn't want to worry you or burden you. Of course, you have to understand as well that her hormones were all over the place. While pregnancy is one of the most natural things in the world, it's also a physical assault on a woman's body and a lot to cope with. Kathryn was no different plus she was still the captain with all the responsibilities of the ship and crew on her shoulders." 

Chakotay dropped his head back. "And then when something did happen, I wasn't there to help her cope." He dropped his head forward now. "Oh God…what a mess. I made such a mess…" 

The Doctor waited patiently until Chakotay looked up again. He could clearly see the pain on his former First Officer's face. "Chakotay, if I may be so forward…" Chakotay nodded for him to continue. The medic hesitated a moment before speaking. "I just think you've carried all this for too long. Perhaps it's time to let it go." He shook his head sadly. "Perhaps it's time to…forgive." 

* * *

That night, Chakotay sat quietly on the couch after putting Rose to bed. He held a large red velvet book on his lap, but it remained closed. He stared at it for a long time, occasionally running his fingers over the fabric covering. He wasn't even sure why he'd kept it, assuming it had just been packed up with everything else when Voyager got home. Eventually he drew in a deep breath and opened it, steeling himself for what lay within. 

What lay within were memories…painful memories he knew he finally had to face. He forced himself to look at the images the book held…memories the holoimager had captured and frozen in time. 

Kathryn's smiling face stared back at him, the woman she used to be. Chakotay drew in a shuddering breath as he turned the pages, his life with Kathryn unfolding before his eyes. Each image he looked at unlocked a flood of memories that he finally faced. They all showed happy occasions…a dance on the holodeck, a shore leave, someone's birthday, the celebration of a successful trade or first contact. In most Kathryn stood beside him, either looking at the imager or up into his face…always smiling and not worried or embarrassed to have his arm around her. 

He drew in a deep breath as he came to the last pages. Kathryn pregnant…showing more with each image. He turned the final page and stopped, staring at the last image in shock. 

He knew he hadn't put it there. He knew that with certainty. It wasn't fixed in place like the others either. He looked up and stared at the image of his late wife on the mantle. "You put it there, didn't you?" He smiled at her. "You knew I'd look at these again someday. You probably made sure the album was saved and packed too." 

Chakotay shook his head sadly as he looked back at the image. The shore leave before the accident. He stopped a moment and looked up. He said the word aloud. "Accident. It was an accident." He wasn't sure if he was trying to convince himself of that or had just realized it. 

He forced his eyes back to the book. That last shore leave before their world had been turned upside down. He stared at the image and remembered Tom having taken it. He wore casual pants and an open necked shirt…Kathryn a loose green floral dress. Chakotay smiled for the imager while Kathryn looked up into his face. He looked closer, examining her face, and finally saw the truth for himself. 

Kathryn's face shone. She looked radiant, in fact. Her love for the man beside her was clearly written on her face, even in a picture. Her hand rested protectively on her stomach, the swell of pregnancy not quite what it should have been because of her smaller size. 

Chakotay sighed heavily and rested his head against the back of the couch. It was all there…proof that she'd loved him and had wanted their child. He groaned and spoke to the silent room. "And I threw it all back at you and walked away. I left you with your pain and thought only of my own loss." 

* * *

The following lunchtime Chakotay called to see Tom and B'Elanna. He sat in their kitchen and told them everything that had happened during the previous two days with Elizabeth Fulton's visit to him and his own visit to Voyager's EMH. 

"I did a lot of soul searching last night. I hadn't allowed myself to do that before. That doctor was right when she said I haven't faced this. My subconscious probably knew the shame that awaited me when I did face it." 

B'Elanna watched her old friend carefully. "What do you want me to say, Chakotay? Do you want me to agree that you were wrong?" She sighed. "OK…you probably were wrong." 

Chakotay nodded, his shame showing. "No probably about it…" 

B'Elanna shook her head. "You followed your heart which is usually the right thing to do…but the heart doesn't always lead to good places or to what's right. Chakotay, sometimes it takes us to darkness and not light. The heart is guided by our feelings and emotions and it can be clouded by them. What's important is to recognize when it's wrong and do something about it…to turn back…even afterwards." 

Chakotay laughed at that, the sound hollow. "So what are you saying? I can still find salvation?" 

B'Elanna nodded slowly. "Yes. I believe so." 

He almost sneered. "And what about Kathryn's salvation? What about the hell I condemned her to?" 

B'Elanna shook her head. "You know, the crew never judged you for how you dealt with all that happened…but I think a lot thought you were wrong. We'd never have said it though. It wasn't our place, our right or our business, and we didn't know the full story anyway. It hurt though to see what was happening to the two of you…to see the pain you were both in." 

Chakotay sighed heavily and shook his head. "I just laid all the blame at her door." 

B'Elanna sighed. "Chakotay, I took risks when I was carrying Miral. All women do. You're pregnant, not ill. You feel healthy and just want and need to do what you've always done. You need to be who you are. I told you this before. I went on away missions and Tom used to hate it." She smiled across at her husband. 

Tom smiled back at her then looked at Chakotay. "It's the truth, old man. I constantly nagged and worried, but I learned that I had to take B'Elanna as she was and trust her to know what was best for her. Yes, she took risks and put her people first, but that's the kind of person she is. If I changed her, then that was unfair to her. I knew the kind of person she was before she got pregnant and if I'm honest, it was part of what I fell in love with. When you love someone you accept them for what and who they are. You don't try and change them. This is B'Elanna. Does she remind you of anyone?" 

Chakotay got the message and nodded. "Yeah, I know." 

B'Elanna reached over and tapped his arm. "Look, Chakotay, you have to let go of this. You've been harbouring these feelings for too long now. You've punished her for long enough and you've punished yourself for long enough too. Let it go. It just eats you up inside." 

Chakotay thought about that. "You think I should go see her?" 

B'Elanna squeezed his arm. "Yes, I do. For yourself if nothing else." She sighed and studied him for a moment. "Can I ask you something?" She didn't wait for his permission. "What are you really afraid of?" 

Chakotay shrugged. "I don't know." 

B'Elanna nodded. "I think you're afraid of there still being feelings there. The hate you feel is all you have…the only tie to the baby. I think you feel if you let that go, you'll be letting him go too…even letting him down." She smiled sadly at her old friend. "Let it go, Chakotay. Let him go. I'm not saying forget him. Just let him be at peace. Concentrate on your living child and on your own life…on what's here…what is…not on what was. The dead wouldn't want it any other way." 

Chakotay digested all that. He shook his head. "It's not that easy. I used anger and bitterness to cover my pain for so long. It's become such a habit to feel that way. I think I'm afraid that if I let that go, I'll have to face that pain all over again." He looked up at them. "And then last night I finally looked through our image album…" He told them about finding the last image. "Louise must have put it there, knowing I'd look at them someday." 

B'Elanna smiled as she remembered his late wife. "She was a wise woman…far wiser than her years." 

Chakotay smiled also. "She was. She certainly knew me better than I know myself." He grew serious then and sighed deeply. "She deserved better than me…not someone who had all that emotional baggage. Kathryn's shadow was always there between us and that wasn't fair to her." 

B'Elanna shook her head sadly. "She knew she had your love, Chakotay. That was enough for her. And with the baby as well…" She sighed. "She was happy. She told me that." 

Chakotay stared at his old friend. "She talked to you?" 

B'Elanna nodded. "She loved you and she knew you loved her in your own way. She was happy with that. And then when she got pregnant, she was overjoyed. She worried about you, but as she saw you happy, she let her worries go and enjoyed your life together. I think the one thing she would have liked though, was for you to forgive the captain. She always felt… She worried about her. I think she also felt guilty, especially when she saw her. The captain never showed any signs of resentment or bitterness though. Louise said she was always friendly with her." 

She leaned back slightly. "She told me the only time she ever saw any sign of her feelings was when we got home. Everyone was getting ready…packing their stuff up…packing their lives up…" She shook her head as she looked at Chakotay. "She met the captain in the corridor. She told me she'd had her head down and had been stroking her stomach, talking to the baby. She looked up and saw the captain watching her." 

She sighed now. "She said she'd never seen such raw pain in anyone's eyes. It was only there for a moment and she quickly hid it. Louise said the captain smiled at her, wished her happiness in her new life, then walked away quickly." 

Chakotay blew out a breath and closed his eyes. "Louise never told me about that." He rubbed at his face. "God…that must have hurt Kathryn so much…been so painful." 

B'Elanna leaned forward now. "Look, Chakotay…you can't undo any of that. It's over and as the old saying goes 'you can't unring a bell'. It happened and it can't be changed. The only control you have now is with the present and the future. Sort this out." 

Chakotay shook his head slowly. "In other words…go see her." 

B'Elanna shrugged. "I can't tell you what to do, but I do think it would be the right thing." 

Chakotay sat silently for several minutes, his mind in turmoil. Flashes from the past warred with his newfound understanding. He looked from Tom to B'Elanna. "I don't know. I have to think about this. It's not that easy…just letting all that go or facing what I've become. I can't change overnight." 

B'Elanna nodded understandingly. "I know that. No one is asking you to. You could take the first step though." 

* * *

At home that evening, Chakotay stood by the window and stared out into the garden. He watched some birds at the feeder he'd set out for them. They always gathered in his garden to roost each evening and he found their routine comforting. 

As his feathered friends headed off to bed for the night, Chakotay turned away from the window and walked over to the kitchen table where his image album lay. He stood in the fading light and flipped through the pages once again. He eased himself into one of the chairs and studied them for several minutes. 

Finally, he closed the book and sat back. He closed his eyes and searched inside himself. He tried to find the man he'd once been, hoping and praying that a part of that man was still there. He opened his eyes and sighed, whispering to the silence. "When did I become so bitter?" He knew the answer to that and asked himself a harder question. "Why did I allow myself to become so bitter?" 

Making a decision, he stood and went into the living room. Not permitting himself time to think and change his mind, he activated the comm unit. 

* * *

B'Elanna smiled when she saw her old friend. "You look bone weary, Chakotay." 

He barely smiled and nodded. "It was a long afternoon…difficult students." He drew in a deep breath and pushed the words out before he lost his courage. "B'Elanna, I know tomorrow is Saturday and perhaps you have plans…" 

B'Elanna waved away his concerns. "What do you need?" 

Chakotay smiled sadly at that. "A magic wand would be nice." He shook his head. "I was wondering if you could take Rose for a while tomorrow. Her nanny doesn't work weekends. I'm not sure how long or…" 

B'Elanna smiled hopefully. "You're going to see her?" 

Chakotay shrugged. "I'm going to go there. I haven't made up my mind about anything further yet. Just let me take this at my own pace." 

B'Elanna smiled kindly. "Bring Rose over whenever you want to. We're here all day. Leave her with us as long as you like. Miral loves having her here." 

Chakotay thanked his friend and cut the transmission. He stretched and looked towards Louise's picture. "I'm trying, honey. I'm trying." 


	3. Chapter 3

Chakotay stood awkwardly and looked around the clinic he'd been directed to. He'd contacted Elizabeth Fulton early that morning and told her he was coming. She'd accepted his words, but he suspected she wasn't convinced of his sincerity. 

He saw her now walking towards him. He'd somehow expected her to be wearing a white coat, but the only thing that set her apart from the other visitors was an identification pass attached to her lapel. 

She extended a hand to him and smiled softly. "You came." 

Chakotay smiled slightly. "You sound surprised. Were you afraid I wouldn't?" 

The young woman shrugged. "I'm a little surprised. I hoped you'd come, but I was still prepared..." 

Chakotay nodded, his face serious. "I said I'd come. However, I still don't know why." 

Elizabeth smiled again. "Well…thank you anyway." 

Chakotay shrugged. "Don't thank me yet." 

Elizabeth grew serious. She took his arm and guided him down a corridor. She made small talk until they reached her office. "Please sit down." She indicated a chair in front of her desk. "Can I get you something?" 

Chakotay shook his head. "No. Thank you." He smiled shyly. "This feels like a mirror image of our first meeting." 

Elizabeth smiled kindly at that. "Yes, it does." Instead of sitting behind her desk, she sat down in a chair facing him. She smiled gently. "Are you going to see her?" 

Chakotay took several moments to answer. Finally, he nodded. "Yes." He gave the doctor a tired smile. "I spoke with Voyager's Doctor after your visit…talked with some friends too. I also did a lot of soul searching and went back over what you said to me." He sighed. "It's been painful revisiting all that. I looked at pictures of Kathryn for the first time in…" He dropped his head. "Since the last ones were taken…" He looked up and found himself telling her about the last image taken on the shore leave before the accident. 

He rubbed at his face. "I think I'm beginning to accept that word…..accident. My head is anyway." He pointed to his forehead. "In here it was an accident. My heart will take a bit longer." 

Elizabeth smiled as she listened. "You'll be a better person if you're not carrying all that around inside you. Even if just for yourself." 

Chakotay nodded. "I know…and the man I was before all this happened would have known that. I'm ashamed at what I've allowed myself to become. It took looking at those pictures to see that. That last one in particular…the way she caressed her stomach." 

The doctor smiled again. "I'm happy for you. I really am." She let go of the smile and leaned forward a little. "So you'll see her?" 

Chakotay sighed and nodded. "I'll see her. It'll be hard but…" He shook his head. 

Elizabeth looked sadly at him. "Look, I'll be straight with you. She probably won't acknowledge you or recognize you. She most likely won't, in fact. With us she's totally unresponsive. She makes no communication efforts. At this stage we're feeding her intravenously. We have no choice." She sighed sadly. "It's not easy treating a patient who's in a state like this, completely or semi withdrawn…someone who just sits there without responding. Kathryn is like that. It's like she's living in a shell, her own private world…unreachable at present." 

Chakotay frowned. "She's been like that since…?" 

Elizabeth sighed. "Since she came around. She was unconscious for some time after her last attempt. She had severe injuries. She 'woke up' and responded a little and then withdrew into herself. It's like she realized she'd failed and this was the only other way to escape everything." 

Chakotay's sadness showed. "She does nothing?" 

Elizabeth shook her head. "There's total withdrawal into her mind. Physically, she does nothing unless we prompt her. By that I mean she'll walk if we literally stand her up and lead her. She's getting physiotherapy though to combat muscle wastage and so on. However, if we walked away, she'd just stand there and stare at nothing." 

Chakotay sighed heavily. "She was always so active…" 

Elizabeth nodded then leaned forward a little more. "Look, why don't you go and see her now. We can talk afterwards." 

Chakotay seemed unsure but forced himself to stand. "OK." He drew in a deep breath, not sure what he felt so scared of. He forced his feelings down, afraid to confront them in case he turned and ran. As he stood Elizabeth reached for his arm and gripped it. "Chakotay, one last thing I need to make you aware of. There are imagers in her room. Visual and audio. They're hidden in a panel in the wall. From her side you can't see anything. I know how it sounds, but we have to watch her. She's classified as a suicide risk, no matter what state she's in at present. It's the law, but you need to know." 

Chakotay nodded at that. "It's OK. I understand." He gave the doctor a tired smile as she stood also. "Let's do this before I change my mind." 

* * *

Elizabeth led the way to Kathryn's room. Chakotay looked around him as they walked, the clinic having a more homely feel than he'd expected. There was nothing clinical or medical about the place. The décor was pastel shades while landscapes in gentle colours adorned the walls. 

Elizabeth stopped and pointed to a door. "Here we are. This is Kathryn's room." 

Chakotay stopped and stared at the door. He shook his head as his decision began to sink in. "Wait a minute…" 

The doctor frowned. "Are you changing your mind?" 

Chakotay shook his head. "No…no… Just give me a minute." He stared at the woman in mild panic. "What do I say to her? 'Hello Kathryn…long time no see. Oh, by the way, sorry for the two years of hell I put you through'. That would really work." He turned and leaned against the wall. "I don't think I'm ready for this." 

Elizabeth moved to stand in front of him, a part of her having expected this. She smiled kindly and laid a gentle hand on his arm. "Chakotay, you'll be fine. She's not a stranger. Just talk to her." 

Chakotay looked doubtful. "In case you've forgotten, we haven't 'talked' in years." 

Elizabeth smiled slightly. "What I mean is…" She sighed. "Just talk…as in open your mouth and say 'hello, it's Chakotay'. Tell her you're here to see her. Tell her about the crew…the weather…the ball game you saw last week…the latest holovid… Just talk." 

Chakotay nodded slowly and leaned his head back. He sucked in several deep breaths then looked at Elizabeth and nodded once more. "OK…let's do this." 

* * *

Dr. Fulton called out cheerfully as she entered the room. "Kathryn, you have a visitor." She looked back at Chakotay as if checking he'd come into the room with her. 

Chakotay followed hesitantly. The room was bright and airy, but a light net curtain had been drawn to filter out any direct sunlight. He moved into the room, only seeing Kathryn from the back at first. 

Slowly he moved around to look at her and caught his breath. He almost didn't recognize her, her face free of make-up, her hair longer and scraped back from her face in a ponytail. She was also painfully thin and pale. She wore a fresh cream coloured robe, her hands folded on her lap, he guessed by one of the nurses. She sat in her chair staring at nothing, or nothing Chakotay could see anyway. He studied her for a minute and sighed, the rush of hate he'd half expected within himself strangely absent. 

He glanced over at Elizabeth who just smiled at him and nodded. Chakotay nodded back then moved a little closer to Kathryn. "Hello, Kathryn. It's me. Chakotay. I've come to see you." 

Kathryn showed no reaction and Chakotay rubbed at his face as he looked at the doctor. She smiled her encouragement and gestured for him to continue. 

Chakotay sighed and looked back at Kathryn, saying the first thing that came into his mind. "It's a lovely day outside…" He groaned inwardly and rolled his eyes. He looked back at Elizabeth. "This is…" 

Elizabeth smiled at him. "You're doing fine. Please…go on." She then spoke loudly, obviously for Kathryn's benefit. "Well, I'll leave you to your visit." 

Chakotay took a step towards her, panic in his eyes. "Aren't you staying? What if I say the wrong thing or…" 

The doctor waved away his concerns. "You'll be fine. I'll be in my office. I'll see you later." With that she turned and left the room. 

* * *

Chakotay stood in the middle of the room and looked around him. There was a bed, neatly made with a fresh pale pink quilt which he noticed matched the darker pink colour of the walls. He looked towards the window and saw that the curtains were made of the same fabric as the quilt. Outside of the bed and the armchair Kathryn sat in, there was only a side locker, a small table, two straight backed chairs, a wardrobe and a chest of drawers. He noticed one other door in the room and assumed it led to the bathroom. He glanced back at the wall trying to see where the hidden panel was with the imagers, but couldn't see anything different in the surface. 

He looked back down at Kathryn then grabbed one of the chairs and pulled it over to her. He sat down gingerly and cleared his throat. "I hope you don't mind me coming." He sighed. "Maybe you'd prefer I wasn't here…and I guess I couldn't blame you for that." He looked down at his hands. 

"Your doctor came to see me and told me you were here." He looked back at her, but her expression was unchanged. "She told me about…" He looked towards the window as a slight breeze from somewhere caught the light curtains and blew them. 

He laced his fingers together and looked back at Kathryn. She still stared ahead, her eyes betraying nothing. "I wish I knew what to say to you, Kathryn. So much has happened between us and so much time has passed." He sighed. "Elizabeth Fulton told me so much and I…" 

He stood suddenly. "I should be making small talk with you. This is all too much…too personal…and I don't think I have the right to speak to you like this anymore." He moved to the window and looked out over lush gardens. 

"I'll be honest and say I don't even know why I'm here. For so long I felt nothing but…" He bit down on his lip. "Maybe later…another time…" 

He dropped his head back and felt the breeze play over his face. Looking up he saw that the top part of the window was open. He welcomed the cool air, trying to sort his thoughts. 

"Maybe we should stick to something safer." He turned back into the room and sat again. "That would be better…for you and for me." 

* * *

Chakotay sat and talked for the next hour. Taking some of Elizabeth's advice, he spoke about the weather, his work, how Tom and B'Elanna were and young Miral, saying how much she'd grown. He told her of meeting many other crew members, telling her of their lives since their return. He talked about news items he remembered, who was who and what they were doing, who was elected President of this and who was appointed Ambassador of that. He even told her of things he knew she probably wouldn't have much interest in just to keep on talking. 

He only stopped when a nurse came in and smiled at him. "I'm sorry…but it's time for physiotherapy." 

Chakotay nodded and stood, suddenly unsure if he was relieved or disappointed that the visit was over. He felt confused by his time with Kathryn, and that fact even baffled him. 

He looked down at the unmoving woman and felt a strange urge to kiss the top of her head. Instead he placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently. "I have to go, Kathryn." Unsure if he'd be back, he sighed. "I'll…see you again…" He smiled at the nurse and almost ran out of the room. 

* * *

Chakotay sat and nursed a cup of tea with Elizabeth Fulton. He stared down into his cup. "You really dumped me in the deep end there. Were you afraid I'd run?" 

Elizabeth smiled, a slightly guilty look on her face. "Let's just say I decided not to take the chance." She took a sip of her own tea. "So how did it go?" 

Chakotay looked across at her and shook his head. "Any answer I have to that would be impossible to understand. I don't know what I feel or think." 

Elizabeth considered that. "You stayed over an hour. It mustn't have been as hard as you thought it would be." 

Chakotay smiled slightly. "Do you always see the positive in everything?" 

She shrugged and smiled. "I try to." 

He put his cup down and leaned back. "I'll be honest with you. I thought I'd feel a rush of hate when I first saw her, despite agreeing to this visit. I really thought once I saw her face again I'd experience all those feelings afresh, turn on my heel and walk out." 

Elizabeth nodded thoughtfully. "But you stayed." 

Chakotay nodded slowly. "I saw her and… She looked so different. She was always thin, but now…she's almost skeletal…no colour in her face. She showed no reaction to my being there. There was nothing, almost like nobody was home in her body. I think all I felt was pity." 

Elizabeth leaned forward. "I doubt she'd want that." 

Chakotay shrugged. "It's what I felt when I saw her." He shook his head. "You didn't know her. You should have seen the woman she was. When she stood on that bridge and faced an enemy…she was alive…she was so full of life. She was strong and nothing could bring her down. I think back to that woman and then see what she is now…" He sighed sadly. "When you see that…all you can feel is pity." 

Elizabeth thought about that. "I suppose… Just please don't let her see that from you." 

Chakotay stood up and walked towards the window. "With respect, she wouldn't notice if I screamed at her." 

The doctor waited until he looked back at her. "That's hard to say. Many patients who've recovered stated that they remembered everything that happened around them. Perhaps not in perfect detail, but they remembered who was there and music that was played to them and so on. It can be the same with coma patients. Others reported having remembered nothing." 

Chakotay frowned. "This strikes me as like a coma with her eyes open." 

Elizabeth smiled at that. "In a way it is. For whatever reason, Kathryn has chosen to withdraw from reality and the life around her. She's gone somewhere safe for her…somewhere she doesn't have to face her pain. In many ways it's a form of self-preservation." 

Chakotay sighed and shook his head, turning to look back out the window. "You know, B'Elanna…" He looked back at the doctor a moment. "She was the chief engineer on Voyager. She was with me in the Maquis and is one of my oldest friends." 

Elizabeth nodded. "I heard her name before…on news vids." 

Chakotay nodded and looked back out over the gardens. "She asked me a strange question the other night. She asked me what I was afraid of in coming here…seeing Kathryn again." He shook his head and returned to his chair. "I think she meant if I was afraid I might still love her. In fact, I was afraid I might still hate her. I didn't tell B'Elanna that…hadn't the guts to be that honest." 

Elizabeth's face was devoid of any emotion. "And how DO you feel about her?" 

Chakotay looked puzzled as he thought about that. "I've realized I have feelings for her still." 

Elizabeth sat forward and frowned. "You sound shocked at that." 

He nodded. "I am." 

The doctor smiled slightly. "Captain…" 

He looked up at that. "Please…I'd rather you call me Chakotay." 

She nodded. "OK. Chakotay." She shrugged then. "When you love someone, those feelings never really leave, you know. Remember the old saying? Love and hate are two sides of the same coin. They're often very closely related and can even co-exist, as hard as that's to believe. You can love someone and hate them at the same time." 

Chakotay looked down at his hands. "I thought any emotion other than hate was long dead." 

Elizabeth looked concerned. "Look, I must ask you to hide those feelings. If she comes out of this, Kathryn won't need anything other than your friendship…for now anyway. She'll need you as a fellow human being…a friend only. Any relationship…love…getting back together…all of that…" She sighed. "I don't want any of that being a carrot for her to recover. She has to want that for herself alone. She can't do this for you or anyone else. Do you understand?" 

Chakotay stared at the woman. "I understand, but…" He leaned forward. "Look, you misunderstand me. I didn't mean I was still in love with her. I actually don't know what I feel. I can say I still have feelings, but I couldn't tell you what those feelings are." He rubbed at his face. "I came here to help if I could and I suppose because I felt I owed her. I also knew I needed to face this and her and resolve my own issues." 

He leaned back and looked across the room. "I guess I thought indifference was the most I'd feel…some loyalty or obligation. All I'm saying is that I feel something for her. Pity as I've said, and this other thing which is probably just some kind of caring because of our history. Anything more is just too much for me to handle right now." 

Elizabeth smiled softly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to misread you. And I'm glad. It's good because it would also be too much for her to handle. When and if she comes out of this she'll need a friend. Nothing else. Anything more would have to be way down the line…worked at slowly and over time." 

Chakotay smiled almost boyishly. "So you've decided that I'll be back." 

Elizabeth grew serious. "I'm hoping you will. You share a history and can reach her in ways I never can. You have a past." 

Chakotay also grew serious. "Which is a hell of a mess. She may even hate me." He sighed and dropped his head. "You think I was cruel…wrong to act the way I did back then." He looked up and met the doctor's eyes. 

She smiled sadly at him. "Chakotay, I deal with the present here. What you're asking is none of my business. It's outside of my jurisdiction, if you like." 

Chakotay sighed. "But you think…" 

Elizabeth leaned forward and interrupted him. She raised a hand. "Stop. I don't think anything. It's not my place. I have to deal with my patient and help her." 

Chakotay shook his head. "I'm not asking for absolution here." 

Elizabeth nodded at that. "Good…because I'm not a priest. I don't absolve people. I just help them the best way I can. I said what I said the other day to get you here, but I had no right to say those things and I overstepped the line. For that I apologize to you." She sighed heavily and sat back. "Look, the thing is to accept that you can't change the past. You can only deal with the fallout from it." 

Chakotay laughed derisively. "Damage control?" 

Elizabeth thought about that and nodded. "If you like, yes. Perhaps more limiting yourself to the damage already done and dealing with that alone. You deal with what you need to deal with and let go of the rest…put it away. You don't look for any more problems." She smiled slightly. "There are enough problems to be faced in this life without looking for more to add to the pile." 

Chakotay blew out a breath. "Aren't we jumping ahead of ourselves here? You sound like you're assuming she'll come out of this…that I can help with that in some way." 

Elizabeth shook her head. "I'm not assuming, but I am hoping. I've tried every stimulation treatment I know." She smiled when she saw Chakotay frown. "There are many…hot and cold items against her arm…different colours…smells… sounds…light and dark… It's a long list and very complicated at times. I've tried them all and nothing has worked. Nothing has reached her. Involving you was my last resort. If she comes out of this, she'll probably tear a strip off me for breaking confidentiality, but I had to do something. I honestly don't know any other way to treat her." 

Chakotay finished his tea and stood up to place the empty cup in the recycler. "You're asking me to come back." It was almost answering his own question. He looked around at the doctor. 

She put her own cup down and nodded. "If you could please. Perhaps in time your friend, B'Elanna, or someone else Kathryn was close to could come too. I haven't been able to contact any of her family for her." 

Chakotay sighed and nodded. "Her mother died while we were away. Her sister's an artist. I don't think she stays in any one place for more than a week. They're not close." He saw the doctor's sad look at that. "I know what you're thinking. No family so all the more reason for me to have stood by her." 

Elizabeth shook her head. "No. It's just sad to have no real blood family. I know how that feels. I was an only child and neither of my parents had family. They were killed in a fire at their work place when I was just a child. I was adopted because I'd no blood relatives to take me." She smiled when she saw the sadness her words caused Chakotay. "I have a wonderful husband and four kids now. I have my family." 

Chakotay smiled at that. "Four kids and you work here as well? How do you find time to breathe?" 

She laughed at that. "With the help of a good and loving husband." She sobered immediately. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean…" 

Chakotay waved away her concern. "I know." He sighed. "Deal with the present, isn't that what you said?" He shook his head. "Anyway…I'd better go. I have to pick up Rose." 

Elizabeth stood and held out her hand which Chakotay took. "Thank you for coming, Chakotay. I really hope you'll come back." 

Chakotay smiled a little and nodded. "Perhaps some time next week. I have gaps in my lecture schedule and Rose is with her nanny all day although I usually try and see her during my breaks." He nodded again. "I'll call you." 

Elizabeth nodded, trusting his sincerity this time. As he opened the door to leave she called after him. "Chakotay…?" He looked back at her and she smiled again. "Thank you." 

Chakotay just nodded and left. He had a lot to work through. 


	4. Chapter 4

Over the next week Chakotay spent many a long night walking the halls with his daughter in his arms. He'd rock her until she fell asleep, then continue his slow pacing, cradling the sleeping child against him. Somehow holding her close in her slumber comforted him and soothed the way for his thoughts to roam freely. 

During the long hours, he re-lived his life with the woman who now occupied so many of his waking thoughts and even many of his dreams. He opened his heart and examined his conscience, mostly not liking what he found. 

Kathryn intruded into other areas of his life during this time. He began to see aspects of her all around him. A student's hair or habit, a turn of phrase a fellow lecturer used. They all spoke to him, bringing his past into the present, making it impossible to ignore. 

During the evenings, he even found himself re-reading many of his logs from Voyager…personal and command. He let himself remember times he'd pushed away for so long, either because they were too painful or too shameful. 

By the end of the week he felt exhausted, his long journey into the past costing him so much in so many ways. It also gave him a sense of cleansing though, and he began to welcome it. 

* * *

Chakotay kept his word and returned the following week, sitting with Kathryn for well over an hour. He talked pretty much as he had during his first visit, making small talk and telling her the latest news. 

As before, Kathryn showed no reaction to his presence or his voice. She stared unseeing towards the window, her hands once again folded in her lap. 

Chakotay stopped talking and just stared at her. He shook his head sadly as he found himself almost assaulted with memories of how she'd been when he first met her. He sighed heavily. "I did this to you, didn't I?" He looked up and saw Elizabeth Fulton standing in the doorway. 

She smiled sadly at him and came into the room. "Time's up, Chakotay. It's time for Kathryn's bath." 

Chakotay nodded and stood, feeling stiff from having sat so long. "All right." He placed a hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "I'll see you next time, Kathryn. Take care of yourself." 

* * *

Over the next several weeks Chakotay visited Kathryn about twice a week. The visits started to become a part of his routine, although his feelings regarding the woman he came to see remained confused. 

Each evening his routine remained as it had since he'd brought his daughter home from the hospital, but once she was in bed, instead of preparing for the next day's lessons or catching up on his reading, he'd stare off into the distance, continuing his new ritual of soul searching, reliving his past and trying to sort his jumbled feelings. 

Despite his mixed emotions he continued to visit Kathryn. Eventually Elizabeth Fulton suggested B'Elanna and perhaps Tom visit also, feeling B'Elanna would be good for her patient as both another woman and as an established friend, and Tom as someone who shared much of Kathryn's past, long before Voyager, and who understood her upbringing. She spoke with them before they visited though, preparing them in much the same way as she'd done with Chakotay. 

* * *

Chakotay walked in the garden with Kathryn's doctor one day, knowing B'Elanna was visiting their former captain first. He studied some freshly planted flowers and shook his head. "None of this is working, is it?" He sighed. "Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up. Maybe I'm just doing this wrong or I'm the wrong person for it. I'm sticking with it though as long as you feel I should…if for no other reason than the fact that I owe her." 

Elizabeth studied him. "That's not the right reason to do this, Chakotay." 

He nodded slowly. "I know…and it's not the only reason. I care…I do really care. It's just so frustrating…not to see any reaction from her." 

Elizabeth came up beside him. "Your friend B'Elanna had a similar conversation with me the other day. She made a suggestion in fact." 

Chakotay looked at the woman beside him. "Knowing B'Elanna, she probably wants to beat Kathryn out of it." He gave a tired smile. "Sorry. I'm just over tired today. Rose is cutting a tooth." 

The woman smiled and nodded. "Ahh yes…I remember those days well…or should I say I remember those nights." She shook her head but kept her smile. "It does get easier, Chakotay. Another forty years and you'll be able to relax just a little." 

Chakotay rolled his eyes. "Thanks for the advice. I just want to get a night's sleep." 

Elizabeth laughed at that. "And you think that'll happen when she's past the baby and toddler stage? Wait until she's dating." She laughed at the look of horror on Chakotay's face. "I know. You'll sit sentry and want to interrogate them all. My husband quizzes our eldest daughter's male friends, leaving her dying of embarrassment. I think she may hate him at the moment." 

Chakotay laughed as he looked back out over the gardens and then grew serious. "I can deal with Rose and missed sleep better than this. I talk to Kathryn until I'm hoarse, but there's nothing. I'm at the stage where I think the wall will answer me first." 

Elizabeth lost her own smile and nodded slowly. "That's roughly what B'Elanna felt. She had a suggestion…one I'm seriously considering." 

Chakotay turned to look at her. "What is it?" 

Elizabeth looked uneasy then sighed as she looked behind Chakotay and nodded her head. "Here's B'Elanna now. She'll tell you." 

Chakotay turned and stared at B'Elanna, not wasting time on a greeting. "Dr. Fulton tells me you have a suggestion to help Kathryn." 

B'Elanna suddenly looked uncomfortable as she looked from the doctor to her old friend. She drew in a deep breath. "I thought it might be an idea for you to bring Rose in and leave her with Kathryn." 

Chakotay looked horrified. "Force a baby on Kathryn after what she's been through? Hasn't it occurred to you that it could do more harm than good?" 

B'Elanna hardened her face. "More harm? Do you think she can BE any worse?" 

Chakotay's eyes flew from B'Elanna to the doctor and back again. "Of course she could. She could…" 

B'Elanna interrupted him and looked at Elizabeth. "You said you'd consider this. What do you think?" 

Elizabeth sighed and shook her head. "She's deeply withdrawn, but there's hope of pulling her back. This could push her even deeper to where there's no hope." 

B'Elanna wasn't accepting that. "You said yourself that you've tried everything. Chakotay has talked to her for hours. I've talked to her about the ship and the people who were there. Tom talks endlessly about their growing up and their families. There's no reaction…nothing." 

Chakotay stared at Elizabeth as she nodded. "You can't seriously be considering this. It could push her so far away…so deep into this state…" 

B'Elanna gripped his arm. "Or it could pull her out of it…make her react." 

Chakotay ran a hand through his hair and turned away. "I think it's madness to take the chance. Pushing a baby at her…especially my baby…could push her over the edge." 

B'Elanna moved after him and grabbed his arm again. "In case you haven't noticed, Chakotay, she's already there. She was already pushed over the edge. She damn well tried to kill herself twice, and now she's withdrawn into this half dead stage. Just how much more over the edge can she go?" 

Chakotay glared at her. "So far that she can never come back." He shook his head in disbelief. "She lost her baby…lost any hope of having another one…lost me because I walked away from her… She sees me marry and have another child. She comes home to nothing…no family. When she's nothing left, she tries to end it…twice. When that fails, she retreats into this place…the only place she can obviously feel safe…and you want me to walk in there and present her with the most tangible reminder there is of all that?" He rubbed a hand across his eyes. "Maybe you think I should just walk in there and plunge a knife through her heart. It would hurt less." 

B'Elanna and Elizabeth watched him as he closed his eyes and dropped his head back. He looked up when he felt a hand on his arm. Elizabeth smiled kindly at him. "Chakotay, I need to discuss this with others…a panel of my peers if you like. There'll have to be a case conference first but…" She sighed. "If you agreed and we went ahead with this, it would be under very controlled conditions." She saw he wasn't convinced. "Chakotay, this isn't something that's going to happen tomorrow. It will need to be studied and discussed. Just think about it. Hear what we say when we've talked it over. I'm just asking you to withhold your judgement until you hear everyone's opinion…learned opinions I might add. Then you can think about it." 

Chakotay looked from one to the other. "And if I refuse you'll probably just find another baby." 

Elizabeth shook her head. "You're the closest to next-of-kin Kathryn has. I can't reach her sister or any other family members. Your opinion matters." 

Chakotay nodded. "But at the end of the day, what treatment you choose is up to you and the board of this institution. You don't need my permission for anything." 

Elizabeth was honest with him. "No, I don't. I would like it though." 

* * *

Four days later Elizabeth called Chakotay into her office and gave him the news he didn't want to hear. 

"The board has agreed with me. They've given the go-ahead to try this." 

Chakotay sighed heavily and looked down at his feet. "Somehow I had the feeling they would." He looked back up at her and smiled slightly. "You can be pretty persuasive when you want to be." 

Elizabeth didn't smile to share the small joke. "I wouldn't have suggested it if I saw any other way. Besides, I think it's worth trying. We've tried everything else and shocking her out of it may be the only way." 

Chakotay just shook his head. "Or it could, as I said, push her much deeper into it." 

The doctor didn't try to hide the truth. "Yes, it could…but I still think we have to try this. Of course it's a risk, but in my opinion it's a risk worth taking. My colleagues and superiors share that opinion." 

Chakotay sighed again and stood up. He shook his head before moving to the window. He gazed out as he sorted his thoughts. "I still have some say in this, I take it? I have to consent about using Rose for this?" He looked back into the room and towards the woman who sat watching him. 

Elizabeth smiled sadly. "It is your choice, but I hope you'll agree." 

Chakotay watched her carefully. "And if I don't agree, you'll just find another baby?" 

Dr. Fulton nodded slowly. "One of the nurses here is just back from maternity leave. She volunteered her son…" She stopped suddenly, her eyes seeming to apologize for using the word. "Chakotay…I'm sorry…I…" 

He held up his hand. "I can't go around avoiding the word. The world is full of sons…just as it's full of mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, husbands and wives, and whoever else someone has lost. Life goes on. It's taken me a while to realize that." 

Elizabeth smiled softly. "You've learned a lot these past weeks. It's changed you." 

Chakotay merely shrugged. "It really doesn't matter what I've learned or how I've changed. If Kathryn comes out of this and hates me, it's all irrelevant." He shook his head and turned back to look out the window. 

Elizabeth allowed him the time she felt he needed. After a few minutes he turned back and stared at her. She smiled gently. "It won't be irrelevant to you, Chakotay, or to Kathryn or me. She'll hopefully be out of this state, she'll have been helped, I'll have done my job and please God, you'll have found some peace." She watched the man before her think about that. 

He turned away for a moment then looked back at her before nodding. "All right. I'll agree, but only because I'm bowing to your superior knowledge on this. This is in your hands. I'll just have to trust you." 

* * *

Chakotay spent the evening before Rose's first visit with Kathryn as he spent all his evenings. Everything felt different to him though. He played with the little girl before her bedtime, but part of his mind was back at the clinic. 

Suddenly he looked up at the mantle where the images of Louise and the crew were displayed. He stood up and took them both down, returning to his place on the floor beside his daughter. He held out the image of Louise to the child and watched as she grabbed at it. 

"That's mommy, Rose. That's your mommy. She loved you very much." Tears filled his eyes as the little girl actually seemed to study the image, her small hand slapping against it. She shook it and giggled. Chakotay nodded and smiled. "Mommy…" She squealed in delight and then brought the frame to her mouth, finding a good chew more enjoyable. Chakotay gently eased it from her fingers and replaced it with one of her toys. "There, young lady. That's a lot safer." 

As Rose chewed on her toy, Chakotay looked at the smiling face of his late wife. "How am I doing, hon? Do you approve?" He looked at the other frame, his old crew, all friends, all family, and smiled. 

"How about this, Louise?" He pulled the image from the frame and uncovered Kathryn's face. He stared at the group of people as he replaced the image in the frame. He looked at it again and somehow it seemed as if they were all smiling more than he remembered. 

He stood up and placed both images back on the mantle. "There. Back where they belong." He looked at Louise again and even she seemed to be smiling more. "That's better, isn't it?" His eyes were drawn back to the crew and then to Kathryn, smiling broadly in happier days. "I hope you smile like that again someday, Kathryn." 

* * *

B'Elanna sighed as she climbed into bed beside Tom. "She's asleep at last." 

Tom smiled and put down the padd he'd been reading. "She struggled hard to stay awake tonight. She sure fights it." 

B'Elanna nodded and sighed as she lay back against the pillow, staring ahead of her at nothing in particular. 

Tom knew her well and put his padd on the bedside table. "Worried about tomorrow?" 

She turned to look at him and half smiled. "I was thinking more about Chakotay." 

Tom frowned. "In what way?" 

B'Elanna made herself more comfortable. "He doesn't say as much, but I think he realizes that the bond between them is still there. He says he's worried about taking Rose in to see Kathryn. He's concerned about Rose of course, but he's really worried about Kathryn. That tells me a lot." 

Tom smiled at his wife. "What does it tell you, oh all wise and all seeing one?" 

B'Elanna elbowed him. "Oh shut up. It tells me that he's still deeply in love with her, even if he doesn't know it yet. In fact, I don't think he ever stopped loving her. He's in denial. He's just too pig-headed to see or admit it." 

Tom thought about that. "I think you're right. What can we do about it though?" 

B'Elanna snuggled down beside him. "I don't think we need to do anything. It'll reveal itself when it's ready. It's there, and in time he'll know it." 

Tom ordered the lights off and pulled B'Elanna to him. "And if he doesn't, no one better than you to tell him." 


	5. Chapter 5

The following day Chakotay stood outside Kathryn's room, Rose sleeping in his arms, oblivious to the goings-on around her. He looked down at his daughter a moment then towards Dr. Fulton. 

"I still don't know why I'm doing this…agreeing with it. It's wrong and cruel." 

Elizabeth nodded slowly. "Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Besides, it may not even work." 

Chakotay sighed as he looked down at his daughter again. "That's what I'm afraid of. Mind you, I'm also afraid it WILL work." 

* * *

Chakotay stepped quietly into Kathryn's room and looked at her sadly. He wanted to squeeze Rose tightly against his chest and had to fight the urge. He glanced to his left seeing Elizabeth nodding her approval. 

She whispered to him softly. "Go on…" 

A look of panic crossed Chakotay's face as he shook his head quickly. He held his daughter out towards the woman. "Please…could you…?" He shook his head again, an appeal for understanding in his eyes. "Please…I can't…" 

The doctor smiled kindly and took the infant carefully from his outstretched arms. "All right." She moved around to face her patient, motioning with her head for Chakotay to move with her. 

Kathryn sat in her usual pose, her eyes staring ahead unfocused. Chakotay noticed she was wearing a pale green robe today and wondered briefly why that fact had registered with him. He drew in a deep breath and forced himself to concentrate. 

Elizabeth smiled at the nurse who'd accompanied them and nodded. The young woman nodded back and leaned down, arranging Kathryn's arms so Elizabeth could place Rose on her lap. The doctor knelt down then and used one hand to hold the still sleeping baby in place. With her other hand she took one of Kathryn's and stroked the small body. 

"You have another visitor, Kathryn. This young lady wanted to come and see you. Can you feel her on your lap? Feel her skin. She's so soft. Her name is Rose. She's asleep at the moment, but she's very happy to be here." 

Chakotay watched Kathryn's face closely, but there was no change. He whispered quietly to Elizabeth. "I think I expected an immediate response." 

Elizabeth's eyes flitted from the baby to her patient. "It could take a bit of time. I'll just wait another few minutes then give her a break. I'm sure our presence is registering with her somewhere, and a bit at a time is the best way." 

A few minutes later she lifted the baby from Kathryn's lap and handed her back to Chakotay. "I think that's enough for now. Let's give her some time and we can come back a little later." 

* * *

Elizabeth Fulton placed baby Rose on Kathryn's lap another three times that day and twice the following day before they saw any response. She gasped and risked a glance at Chakotay to confirm what she was seeing. His stunned look told her all she needed to know. 

Very slowly, Kathryn looked down at the small child in her arms as a lone tear rolled down her cheek, but there was no further reaction. Elizabeth reached for the baby quickly. "That's enough for now, Chakotay." 

* * *

Chakotay stood quietly and watched one of the nurses tend to his daughter. He sighed heavily and looked at the doctor beside him. "Tell me I didn't just hear from you what I think I heard." 

Elizabeth eyed him warily and nodded slowly. "You heard me right. I want to suggest that you leave Rose alone with Kathryn." 

Chakotay looked shocked. "I have to seriously question that. You've already taken a hell of a risk. You got your reaction and thankfully it was mild. This is going too far. You've no idea what could happen if you push her further." 

Elizabeth blew out a slow breath. "Yes, it was a risk and it paid off. But it wasn't enough." She waved towards the viewing panel in the wall which looked into Kathryn's room. "You saw her. She barely moved her head, scarcely looked at Rose. I saw one tear. It was a reaction, but it was small…too small. I need to push her a little more now." She held up her hand. "Look, just hear me out." Chakotay nodded. "We'll watch her very closely…monitor it all very carefully. We'll be right here and can see everything. We have audio linked up so we can hear her as well. I don't believe she'll harm Rose in any way, but we'll be right outside. I know I'm asking a lot of you, but please trust me." 

Chakotay looked unsure. "I don't know. Yes, I'm worried about Rose, but I'm also worried about Kathryn." He ran a hand through his hair. "When did you want to do this?" 

Elizabeth smiled slightly. "After lunch would be good." She grew serious again. "Chakotay, leaving it longer would let her sink back into that comfortable place she's been. I want to continue this now while her defences are still down." She sighed. "I'm asking you again to trust me. Please?" 

In the end Chakotay just nodded, feeling he had no other choice. 

* * *

Chakotay stood beside the viewing panel, B'Elanna at his side. She'd stayed beside him constantly over the past few days, feeling somehow responsible as the original suggestion for this course of action had come from her. 

Chakotay was grateful for his old friend's support. She was somehow a link between the past and present in all this. He stood ramrod straight now and watched the scene before him. His hands were fists as his eyes darted from his daughter in her carry cot to Kathryn sitting unmoving in her chair. He shook his head, trying to fight the feeling that this was wrong. 

Rose cried, her small arms and legs flailing, her only way to demand the attention she wanted. Chakotay looked desperately at the doctor beside him, his mind screaming his unasked question of why no one was doing anything. Finally he found his voice. "It's enough…" 

Elizabeth never took her eyes off her patient. "Wait, Chakotay. Just give her another few minutes." 

Chakotay stared at her then turned to B'Elanna, his friend shaking her head, indicating she didn't know what to think. 

Rose continued to scream for attention, her cries growing a little more desperate now. A hand found Chakotay's arm and he looked down to see that it belonged to Elizabeth. "Just another few minutes." 

After a further minute of Rose crying, Chakotay tore his arm from her grip and pulled away. "I can't take this. It's too upsetting. It's wrong to leave Rose crying like that. I'm going in to get her." 

Elizabeth grabbed his arm quickly. "Chakotay…wait…look…" When he turned back to her she wasn't looking at him but staring at the panel. He followed her gaze and gasped in shock, his breath catching in his throat. 

* * *

Kathryn turned her head slowly in the direction of the crying child. Chakotay felt as if he'd turned to stone as he watched, Elizabeth's fingers digging into his arm being the only physical sensation he was aware of. He heard both the doctor and B'Elanna breathe slowly as they also watched the amazing sight before them. He felt as if his own breath had frozen somewhere in his chest. 

Kathryn finally let her eyes settle on Rose and for a moment she seemed frozen in time. Finally she moved, standing slowly and unsteadily, her arm reaching out towards the carry cot. Her hand trembled in mid air before lowering to the small face to stroke the soft cheek. At once the baby stopped crying and turned her head, her small mouth searching for a source of food. She latched onto Kathryn's finger and began to suckle. 

Chakotay reached out and grabbed for B'Elanna who stood rigidly beside him. "She…" It was the only word he was capable of. 

Suddenly the air was filled with an agonized cry as Kathryn pulled her hand back. Both hands flew to her face as she backed away. Rose began screaming again, denied what she believed she'd been offered. Kathryn backed into her chair, knocking heavily against it and stumbling. 

Chakotay bolted from the room, suddenly realizing that Elizabeth was already ahead of him. As Elizabeth's hand reached out for the door of Kathryn's room, a voice stopped them. 

"Dr. Fulton….wait…" They both stopped and turned. One of the technicians stood in the doorway of the room they'd just run from. "You need to see this." 

Elizabeth and Chakotay locked eyes. They both felt torn between wanting to go immediately to Kathryn and Rose and trusting the technician's instinct in stopping them. 

The young woman nodded her understanding. "Sorry…I think you'll want to see this first." 

Elizabeth nodded at Chakotay first and then at the young woman. "All right…" 

* * *

Kathryn picked herself up and stood shakily, her eyes locked on the bassinette. She inched her way towards it, a confused look on her face as she looked in at the small crying child. 

Chakotay watched with Elizabeth as Kathryn dropped her head to one side, her confusion seeming to give way to curiosity as she moved closer. And then her hand came out again, reaching forward and withdrawing several times as Rose continued to scream her protest. 

Chakotay stood in shock as his eyes moved from the viewing panel to the monitor in front of the technician, as if the image there would be different. He looked back through the panel and felt his breath catch in his throat. 

Kathryn leaned closer to the baby, a look of awe on her face now. Suddenly she spoke. Chakotay looked to the others for confirmation and got it in the shocked expressions on their faces. He looked back towards Kathryn, hearing her words clearly. "Shhh…shhh now…it's all right…" 

Chakotay stared at the scene before him in amazement. Kathryn reached out her hand again and stroked Rose's cheek. "Hush now…" She trailed a finger over the small mouth and Rose latched on again. This time there was no fear on Kathryn's face. Just pure wonder. 

"She's…" Chakotay glanced at Elizabeth and saw the doctor had tears in her eyes. 

They all watched as Kathryn pulled her finger away for a moment, then leaned into the basket and picked up the crying child. She rocked the infant as she replaced her finger in the small mouth. As Rose's cries ceased, they were replaced by Kathryn's as she hugged the small body to her own. 

* * *

On Elizabeth's advice Chakotay let one of the nurses retrieve Rose, the doctor feeling that her patient had enough to cope with. He felt relieved at her suggestion in fact, unsure if he could cope with facing Kathryn himself at that moment. He watched on the monitor as the young nurse gently eased his daughter from Kathryn's arms and clearly saw her confusion. 

"I hadn't thought about this bit…how she'd cope with us taking Rose back." He turned and looked at Dr. Fulton. 

She nodded. "It's the hard part of all this, but we've broken through a barrier here today and that's what matters most." 

Chakotay just shook his head. "All I see is a confused woman who's having a child taken from her arms and doesn't understand why." At that he turned and walked out of the room. He met the nurse in the corridor and took Rose from her. 

"Chakotay…" He turned to see that Elizabeth had followed him out of the room. "I'll say it again. Cruel to be kind and all that. You just have to trust me on this." 

Chakotay smiled down at his daughter then grew serious as he looked back at the doctor. "I guess we'll see." 

* * *

Chakotay received the call very early the following morning. He groggily stumbled to the communications unit. Elizabeth's concerned face looked back at him, causing a fear to fill him. "I'm sorry to have to call you but… She woke up screaming during the night. We couldn't calm her." 

Chakotay rubbed at his face, trying to force his heart rate back to normal. "Why didn't you call me then?" 

Elizabeth shook her head. "Chakotay, it was 04:30." 

He blew out a long breath. "I don't care." He sat down heavily. "How is she now?" 

Elizabeth shook her head. "We gave her a mild sedative. She's calmer, but still very upset. I don't want to give her anything stronger. We had to give her something though because I was afraid she'd hurt herself. She eventually crawled into a corner and won't leave it. She slaps out at anyone who comes near her and I don't want to upset her even more." 

Chakotay shook his head, his mind thinking ahead. "Just let me get dressed and drop Rose off with B'Elanna. I'll be there as soon as I can." 

* * *

Elizabeth glanced at Chakotay as they walked towards Kathryn's room. "Thanks for not saying 'I told you so'." 

Chakotay just shrugged. "What would that serve? I expected something like this." He stopped when Elizabeth placed a restraining hand on his arm. 

"Chakotay, I'm sorry she's had this reaction but I don't regret my decision. This had to be done and I stand by what I said before. Besides, I'd rather have this reaction than none at all." 

Chakotay held her eyes then slowly nodded. "Maybe you're right. I just don't know." He shook his head. "Whoever was right, it doesn't change what's happening now." 

Elizabeth sighed sadly. "No, it doesn't. Come on." She began walking again, Chakotay moving with her. 

* * *

When Chakotay entered Kathryn's room, he saw that the lights were dimmed and the curtains had been drawn. 

Elizabeth whispered to him. "We wanted to keep things quiet and the low lighting helps that. The rising sun pouring into the room wouldn't be a good idea." 

Chakotay nodded in acknowledgement, his eyes on Kathryn now as she huddled in the corner, a nurse standing close by. He moved towards her and then knelt down slowly before the frightened woman. "Kathryn?" No reaction. She continued to cry. "Kathryn…" He took a chance and reached out to touch her arm. "Kathryn…it's Chakotay." 

Eventually his voice seemed to reach her and she looked up at him, her eyes filled with tears. Her voice was a pained whisper. "I lost the baby…" 

Chakotay frowned, her words shocking him more than the fact that she'd spoken. "What?" 

She looked away a little. "I lost the baby…" 

Chakotay closed his eyes a moment and dropped his head back. "Oh Kathryn." 

He looked back at her when she whispered again. "I lost the baby…was here… I looked…couldn't find her…" 

Chakotay's eyes flew to Elizabeth. "Her? Which baby is she talking about?" 

Elizabeth shook her head in confusion. "I don't know. We couldn't get a word out of her before you came." She knelt down beside her patient. "Kathryn…which baby?" 

Kathryn shook her head, her tears continuing. "Baby was here. I saw her. I lost her. She's not here now." 

Elizabeth looked at Chakotay and saw that he knew what she was thinking. She nodded at him. "She may be tying the two babies together in her mind, but saying 'she' and 'her'… I think she means Rose." 

Chakotay groaned inwardly and squeezed Kathryn's arm. "Kathryn, she's at home. She's fine." 

She looked up at him slowly. "I didn't lose her…didn't hurt her?" 

Chakotay tried to smile. "No, you didn't. That was Rose…my daughter. I brought her here to see you, and then I took her home." He saw her try to understand that. 

She shook her head and then pulled her arm from his hold, trying to push back against the wall. "No…no…you're lying. I lost her and you're not telling me. I hurt her or…" 

Chakotay reached for her and grabbed her hands. "I'm not lying, Kathryn. I'll prove it to you. I'll get her." He looked at Elizabeth for approval and she nodded. 

* * *

Once outside Kathryn's room, Chakotay rubbed at his face. He shook his head as he looked at the doctor. "What was all that?" 

She shook her head. "Somehow she's connecting the two babies together in her mind and yet she referred to Rose as 'she' and 'her'. It tells me that Rose's visits and what we said registered with her on some level. Had she just been thinking about your son, she'd have said 'he' but something in her knew that the baby she was looking for was a girl. I don't think Kathryn realized what she was saying but her subconscious knew." 

Chakotay didn't even try to think too deeply on that. All he cared about now was Kathryn. "Did I do the right thing? I just said what came to mind. It seemed the only way." 

Elizabeth sighed. "It IS the only way. If we don't do this, she'll never trust us again. She needs to see that Rose is all right." 

Chakotay nodded. "I left her with B'Elanna. I'll call her and have her bring Rose over." 

* * *

Half an hour later Chakotay stood outside Kathryn's room once again with his daughter in his arms. He smiled his thanks to B'Elanna then nodded to Elizabeth. "I'm ready." 

Elizabeth nodded back then opened the door, preceding Chakotay into the room. Kathryn hadn't moved from her 'safe' corner. She sat with her arms wrapped around her knees, slowly rocking back and forth. 

Elizabeth moved over to her quietly and knelt down beside her. "Kathryn, Chakotay's back and he's brought the baby with him. Look." She pointed towards the door. "She's here and she's just fine. Why don't you see for yourself?" 

For several minutes Kathryn showed no reaction. Elizabeth kept talking to her quietly, gently trying to draw her attention to Chakotay and Rose. "Rose has come all this way to see you, Kathryn. Don't you want to see her? She's fine. I promise you. You didn't hurt her and she wants to see you again." 

After another minute Kathryn eventually stopped her rocking. Her eyes travelled across the floor until they came to Chakotay's feet. Inch by agonizing inch they travelled upwards until they reached his arms which held the sleeping baby. She stared for several minutes, her breathing shallow and her eyes showing her confusion. 

Chakotay stood very still and just watched her. Eventually she moved slightly as if to get up, but then seemed to change her mind. Elizabeth smiled at her patient. "You can go to her, Kathryn." 

Chakotay watched as Kathryn moved again then changed her mind once more. She seemed afraid as if what she was seeing wasn't really there. He took a step forward and spoke for the first time. "Kathryn, come and see her." 

Kathryn continued to just stare at the small bundle in Chakotay's arms. She reached out a hand and then withdrew it. Elizabeth smiled at her. "Go on, Kathryn. Go and see her. Touch her. She'd like that." 

Chakotay moved closer and smiled down at her. "Here she is, Kathryn. She's fine."   
  
Kathryn's eyes left the baby for just a second as she looked up at him, then returned to the sleeping child. She stared at her for a further minute, tears filling her eyes now. Eventually she reached behind her, her hands searching for the wall. She struggled to stand, using the wall as support. Once upright she stood shakily, continuing to stare at Rose. She reached out then drew her hand back. She stood there, afraid to get too close or touch the little girl. 

Chakotay watched her closely. "You can touch her, Kathryn. Do you want to hold her? Rose would like that." 

That seemed to shock her out of it. She slid along the wall away from him. "No…no… I can't. I'll hurt her…lose her. I'm not allowed to…" 

Chakotay sighed. "Of course you're allowed to." 

Kathryn kept shaking her head. "No…not good. I'll do harm…can't be trusted…" 

Chakotay closed his eyes in pain. Only Elizabeth heard his almost silent words. "Oh God…this was my doing. I did this." He moved closer to Kathryn and held Rose out to her. "Kathryn, you can hold her…" 

Suddenly Kathryn cried out and turned into the wall, her hands clawing at it. "No…no…not safe…I'll hurt her…no…" 

* * *

Elizabeth quickly took charge of the situation. She stood up and moved between Chakotay and her patient. "It's OK, Kathryn. You don't have to hold her." She slipped her arm around Kathryn and hugged her. "I just wanted you to see that the baby is fine. You didn't hurt her. You can see that." 

She gently pulled Kathryn around to face her. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Why don't you get some rest now? You've seen that the baby is fine. You don't have to do anything else." 

Kathryn held herself rigidly against the doctor. Her voice was a mere whisper. "I didn't lose her…didn't hurt her?" 

Elizabeth smiled gently. "No, you didn't. Look at her. She's just fine." 

Kathryn looked over the doctor's shoulder at Rose, her fear clearly showing on her face. Just at that moment the baby decided to open her eyes. She stared up at her father, unconcerned about where she was as long as he was there. Chakotay smiled down at her then looked back at Kathryn. 

"She woke up to say hello to you, Kathryn." He tilted his arms so she could see the baby and watched the wonder on her face. "She's not able to say anything yet, but I know she's happy to see you again." 

Kathryn stared at the tiny face for a moment and then backed into the wall again, shaking her head. Elizabeth nodded at Chakotay. "Maybe that's enough for the moment. We know she's fine. Let that sink in for a while." 

Chakotay nodded his understanding. "OK." He smiled at Kathryn. "We'll see you later, Kathryn. You get some rest. I'll bring Rose back to see you anytime you want." He nodded again to Elizabeth and then left the room, his heart aching at the knowledge that so much of this was his fault. 

* * *

Chakotay waited outside until Elizabeth came out, having settled Kathryn with one of the nurses. She smiled tiredly at him. 

"She's finally asleep. She was exhausted." 

Chakotay was pacing up and down, B'Elanna holding Rose now. "I don't understand this. She held Rose before." 

Elizabeth nodded and smiled tiredly. "Yes, but I think that was pure instinct. We all feel the need to help a crying baby. It's natural. It's possible she was just reacting to that." 

Chakotay stopped pacing and rubbed a hand across his face. He felt the stubble on his chin and briefly remembered that he hadn't had time to shave. "So Rose didn't bring her out of it the way you'd hoped." He wasn't accusing her of anything. 

The doctor shook her head slowly. "Not in the way I'd hoped…no. But she did bring her out of it enough for me to be able to work with her. I also learned from tonight that some things registered with her…like Rose being a girl. It'll be hard, but we have a starting point that wasn't there before." She sighed heavily. "Look, Chakotay, why don't you take Rose home and come back later. We need to talk about all this, but I need to get my thoughts together first. We're all tired and you probably haven't had any breakfast." 

Chakotay glanced at B'Elanna and nodded. "Yeah, you're right. I need to sort out my own thoughts. My head's all over the place." 

Elizabeth reached out and gripped his arm. "Get some rest and come back later…late morning or early afternoon. We'll talk then." 

* * *

Early that afternoon Chakotay sat in Elizabeth Fulton's office and played with the tea she'd given him. He studied the contents as he swirled the liquid. "If we were in the southern hemisphere, this would swirl the other way." He looked up and shrugged. "Sorry. I don't know where that came from. I guess I just don't know what to say." 

Elizabeth smiled her understanding. "I'd heard that before. Something about the pull of the poles." She licked at her lips. "Chakotay…" 

He looked up and shook his head. "What was all that this morning? I'm sorry. I don't mean to interrupt you, but I don't understand what I saw earlier. What about…? I mean, she was like… It's like a breakdown or something." He put his cup down, stood up and walked towards the window. It was becoming a favourite place. 

He sighed heavily. "OK…so you brought her out of it…but look at the pain you had to cause her to do that." He looked back at the doctor. 

She nodded slowly. "There was no other way that I saw except to shock her out of it. I'd tried everything else, as you know." 

Chakotay still wasn't convinced. "But look where she is now." 

Elizabeth sat up straighter in her chair. "Look, imagine her life since she lost the baby to where it is now. Imagine that as one long line of time. Kathryn left reality. Coming back, or being brought back, was always risky in that we couldn't know where along that line she'd emerge when she came back…in her mindset I mean. I had hoped it would be near the end where the pain of her loss wasn't as fresh, but it now seems it was further back." 

Chakotay shook his head angrily. "Does it matter? From what I can see, the pain is the same for her no matter where along that line of hers she was. Yes, she had pain at the start, but it was obviously just as bad at the end for her to try and kill herself." 

Elizabeth held her own anger in check. "Yes, I agree…but we'll deal with that. Now I need to take her back through all that and help her deal with it. I need to help her heal." She sighed. "Chakotay, I understand your anger, but you have to let me do my job." She gave him a moment to let that sink in. He nodded slowly as he looked out the window again. "Chakotay, please come and sit down. We need to talk about what we might expect." 

He turned and nodded, taking his seat again. "You're right. I apologize." 

Elizabeth smiled her understanding. "It's OK. I do understand." 

He sighed and shook his head. "I wish I understood. Do I expect more of the same? Do I visit her? Do I stay away?" 

Elizabeth played with her cup. "Something you have to remember is that you've had time to deal with this and get past your feelings. Coming out of this as Kathryn has… Well, it's all new to her again. Her feelings will still be raw and in her mind you'll still be the man who hates her." Her eyes pleaded for his understanding. "I don't mean to hurt you by saying that, but it's the truth." 

Chakotay's hurt showed. "I know." He looked down at his hands. "She seemed so confused…almost like a child, and Kathryn Janeway was one of the smartest people I've ever known. She was never confused." He looked up. "I think I half expected her to just be her old self again. And she refused to hold Rose…which, if I'm honest, I'd expected." 

Elizabeth nodded, her face deadly serious. "She'll be confused for a while. It can be likened to waking from a deep sleep, where it takes time to wake up and get your mind working again…to get mind and body cooperating with each other. And, of course, she's been hiding from everything by withdrawing deeply into her mind. She may still not want to face reality." 

Chakotay frowned. "I think I was amazed that she spoke. Somehow I hadn't expected that…or maybe I expected her to just be back to normal or…" He blew out a long breath. "I don't know what I expected." 

The doctor nodded slowly. "It's hard to predict and it's different with each patient. It's mostly the conscious mind that shuts down though. The subconscious ticks along fine, even if it's not acknowledged. Patients can take a long time coming back, over days, weeks or even months …or they can suddenly snap back…depending on the trauma suffered…although there's usually a breathing space they take. There's always this confusion at first though." 

Chakotay sat back. "So what do I do? Do I visit or stay away?" 

Elizabeth pondered that a moment. "Give it a day or two and let me work with her. I'll call you and keep you informed. If she asks for you or about Rose, I'll get hold of you immediately." 

Chakotay thought about that. "I know I question you, but I do trust you…and I'll trust your judgement on this." He stood up slowly. "Just don't be surprised if I call every hour on the hour." 


	6. Chapter 6

Three days later Elizabeth finally allowed Chakotay to visit her patient again. 

"We've made some good progress with her. She's responding to us at least. She lets us lead her to the bathroom and once we start her off, she continues washing or whatever on her own. She works with us to feed herself too, which is a big step forward. She'll even brush her own hair. It's all on autopilot though. It's her mind she's refusing to let work, not her body, although I believe her mind is very capable of catching up if she'd just let it. Trouble is, she's trying to go back to her hiding place and I think we need to hold her here. Call it small jolts to keep her grounded here, but that's what we need." 

Chakotay pondered that. "You want me to talk to her?" 

The doctor sighed. "I want you to just visit her as you have before and see if she responds to you. Talk to her as you have been, but ask her questions as well. Try and draw her out. And talk about Rose openly. Talk about her day…her nanny…her favourite toys. Whatever comes to mind." 

Chakotay looked doubtful about that. "What if I say the wrong thing?" 

Elizabeth shook her head. "You're used to her the way she was, Chakotay. Use your judgement and watch her face carefully. Gauge her emotions as best you can. If you sense it's not right, pull back and change the subject. Just trust your instincts." 

Chakotay rolled his eyes at that. "You've a lot more faith in me than I have." 

The young woman smiled and shook her head. "You'll be fine." 

* * *

Over the next week Chakotay tried to follow Elizabeth's advice and talked to Kathryn about his life, easing in details of Rose's day. She never showed much reaction, merely glancing at him occasionally, but he always sensed she was deep in thought and taking everything in. 

After several days of little or nothing from Kathryn, he sought out Elizabeth again, finding her in the garden having just finished a meeting with some of the nurses. She was drinking a soda and smiled at him as he approached. 

"I had a feeling you'd be looking for me. Do you want to go to my office or can we talk out here?" 

Chakotay looked up at the cloudless sky and smiled. "I see so little of the outdoors these days so I'd rather stay out here, if that's all right with you." 

Elizabeth smiled and nodded towards a garden bench. "Come on. Take a load off and sit with me. What's troubling you?" 

Chakotay sat heavily and shook his head, blowing out a breath at the same time. "What else?" He glanced at the woman beside him and smiled softly at her then grew serious. "Elizabeth, I can't keep doing this. I'm trying, but… I really thought she'd…" 

The doctor grew serious also, matching his mood. She sat back and studied him a moment. "Chakotay, there's no quick fix for this. Getting her this far is just one small step." 

Chakotay sighed. "I know that. I just expected…" 

Elizabeth shook her head slowly. "What are you looking for, Chakotay? Did you think she'd automatically snap back to how she was before?" 

He shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know what I thought or what I expected. I told you this." He looked to her for help. 

Elizabeth patted his arm. "Just hang in there a while longer and see how it goes. I believe we're getting through to her. I think she hears every single thing we say to her and is just taking it in slowly and working through it in her own time. We need to give her that time and be patient." 

Chakotay sighed and rubbed his hands up and down his thighs. "You're the expert. I'll try and be patient then." He smiled at the doctor. "Thanks. I think I just needed a bit of reassurance from you." 

She laughed at that. "I aim to please." 

* * *

Slowly over the next week, with a lot of help and prompting from Elizabeth and the nurses, Kathryn slowly came back to the world around her, but the woman who emerged was one Chakotay didn't recognize. She moved around her room, or sat and stared out the window. She mechanically washed herself and brushed her hair, but she was always silent with the exception of the odd meaningless sound. 

Chakotay felt at a loss and found himself once more looking to Elizabeth for answers to questions he wasn't even sure of. Two weeks after Kathryn's 'awakening', he called at her office and took up his usual post at the window. 

"I don't know what to do. I'm trying to be patient as you said. I know one thing though. She'll never be the woman I knew before. I destroyed that woman." 

Elizabeth studied his back. "Chakotay, everything that happens to us in life changes us in some way, to a greater or lesser degree…for good or bad. Everything around us affects us. That's just natural. I guarantee you're not the same man who went to the Delta Quadrant." 

Chakotay turned his head to look at her. "You're right. I'm not." 

Elizabeth nodded slowly. "So…having said that…you'll have to accept this Kathryn and get to know her." 

Chakotay looked back out the window. "How can I do that when she doesn't even talk to me?" He drew in a deep breath. "I realized something…during one of my late night thinking sessions. I've realized that back then when I shut it all out and turned to running the ship, I'd become Kathryn…the Kathryn who was before we got together…shutting it all out…quoting parameters. I look at her here and I see her doing that again now. I see it all in her eyes when she looks at me. And that's all she does. She just looks at me, but says nothing. She acknowledges my presence, but I think she's just sorting it all out in her mind somewhere…basically what you already said." 

The younger woman nodded slowly at that. "She doesn't talk to me either…well, very little anyway. I've gotten a few words but nothing real." 

Chakotay smiled sadly at that. "It's something. I think she'd rather I wasn't even there." 

Elizabeth dropped her head to the side, a pensive expression on her face. "Why not ask her then? Maybe you can push her into an answer." 

Chakotay looked doubtful. "I think I'm afraid of the answer I might get." He shook her head. "Still though…what else can I do?" 

* * *

When Chakotay called to see Kathryn the following day, he chatted about this and that for almost ten minutes, but she just stood quietly and stared out the window. Finally he moved a little closer to her and watched her face carefully. 

"Kathryn…" She continued to stare unseeing through the window. He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Kathryn, would you rather I left?" He was met with silence. "If you don't want me here…" Nodding to himself, he turned away. He glanced back at her one last time and saw her turn her head towards him. 

She looked at him briefly, more than the glances he'd become used to, before looking back out into the garden. He saw her slowly draw in a long breath. "No…" 

He frowned and moved a little closer. "No…you don't want me here or you don't want me to leave?" 

She turned slowly to look at him. "No…no…it's just…" She sighed heavily. "It's just strange." She moved away from him a little. 

Chakotay stayed where he was, afraid of crowding her and unable to believe she'd actually spoken to him. He glanced towards the hidden viewing panel hoping someone was watching. "What's strange?" He laughed inwardly at that. Everything about their lives during the past two years was strange. 

Kathryn just shook her head sadly. "I can't get used to you…talking to me…being nice to me…" 

Her words were like a dagger being plunged into his heart. "Oh God Kathryn…I'm so sorry. I was so wrong." 

Kathryn looked away. "I don't know…how to act…how to be…with you…I don't…" 

Chakotay felt weak and sat down heavily. Any happiness he might have felt at her talking again was overshadowed by the pain her words caused. He looked up at her. "I'm sorry, Kathryn. I'm so sorry." 

She looked down at him, her face devoid of emotion. "Why? Why are you here…visiting me and being nice to me? I thought you hated me." 

Chakotay dropped his head. "For a long time I thought I did too. Now I just hate myself." He raised his head and looked at her sadly. "Kathryn, I have so much guilt about the way I acted…the way I treated you." 

Kathryn still showed no emotion as she stared back at him. She simply shrugged and turned away, looking out the window again. "I can't help you with that. I can't even help myself." 

Chakotay felt the knife twist in his chest. His eyes flew to the door when it opened and one of the nurses came in. The young man smiled shyly. "I'm sorry. Visiting hours are over." 

Chakotay glanced once more towards the wall, knowing that Elizabeth was indeed watching and had decided that her patient had been through enough. He nodded slowly and stood. "Thank you." He moved a little closer to Kathryn. "Can I come back and see you tomorrow? I'd really like to." 

Kathryn's expression didn't change. "If you want to. I don't care." 

His hand hovered in the air, about to squeeze her shoulder as he usually did. Somehow it didn't seem right anymore. He nodded. "OK Kathryn. I'll see you then." He turned and almost ran from the room. 

* * *

As expected, Elizabeth was waiting for Chakotay outside of Kathryn's room. He almost ran into her. 

"Did you… Did you see…hear…?" 

Elizabeth took his arm and led him away from the door. "Yes. I saw and heard." She smiled. "We've broken through another barrier today." She stopped now and looked up at him. "Just be prepared. This could continue as it is and she'll talk more. It could improve, or it could be all we get for awhile. We just have to wait and see." 

Chakotay rubbed at his face. "I can't believe she talked at all. And she didn't punch me in the face and scream at me to get out…which I think I expected. It's certainly what I deserve." 

Elizabeth smiled slightly and shrugged. "Don't rule it out yet. I may be in line for a smack in the face from her myself." 

* * *

B'Elanna and Tom visited Kathryn as usual over the following days. With them she didn't speak at all, but they both told the doctor that they believed she'd been listening to everything they said. 

Chakotay got the same reaction, Kathryn just staring out the window while he chatted away. He watched her carefully, knowing she was listening to him. Her eyes told him that every word was being taken in. 

He moved a little closer to her. "I asked you this before, Kathryn. I'll ask again. Would you prefer I didn't come and see you?" 

He got no reaction as she continued to stare out the window. He shook his head sadly and moved away. He turned back when he heard her inhale a deep breath and let it out again…slower than a sigh. 

Kathryn stayed beside the window and dropped her head. Her voice was almost a whisper. "Memories and dreams…" 

Chakotay frowned and moved a little closer to her. "Sorry?" 

Kathryn continued to stare out the window, her voice hard now. "Memories and dreams, Chakotay. Which live longer?" 

He continued to frown, but his heart flipped at the sound of her saying his name after so long. "I'm not following you." 

Suddenly she turned her head to look at him. "It's a simple question really. Do memories live longer than dreams?" She frowned deeply, her eyes darting along the floor. "Or is it the other way around?" She shook her head, looking confused now. She looked around her, as if talking to herself. "Maybe it's just memories that stay with us and haunt us forever…and we're not supposed to have dreams at all." 

She looked up suddenly, a strange glint in her eyes. "Yes, that's it. Dreams are bad things. They promise you all these false hopes, but never deliver." She frowned again. "It's cruel really, but I think that's the punishment for having the dreams in the first place." 

Chakotay felt a deep concern as he watched her. He glanced towards the wall where the viewing panel was hidden, hoping Elizabeth was there or that the technician on duty had called for her. He looked back at the woman beside him, finding her watching him. "Kathryn, we all have dreams. We need them and we're entitled to them." 

Kathryn suddenly turned on him, her voice rising. "No, you're wrong. Only some are entitled. The rest of us only think we are and we reach for them and then get burned." She waved a finger at him. "You see I know, because I had a dream once…only it wasn't meant for me." She waved her hand wildly now. "Of course I ignored that fact and I got punished for it." She shook her head and stared unseeing at the wall, as if lost in her own world. Her voice was softer now. "I have memories of that dream, but they haunt me." 

Chakotay moved towards her, startling her back to an awareness of his presence. "Kathryn, you were entitled to your dreams." 

Suddenly she screamed at him. "No, I wasn't. I should have learned that. I got enough warnings, but I didn't listen. Dreams aren't meant for people like me." 

Chakotay felt scared as he watched her. "People like you?" 

She glared at him, her eyes wild. "Yes…people sent to hurt others. I touch people's lives and I destroy them." 

Chakotay moved to her now, not thinking what was right or wrong. He grabbed her by the shoulders, turning her to face him. "You're wrong." 

She pulled easily from his grasp. "No, I'm not. The proof is there." 

Nothing existed for Chakotay outside of the two of them. He felt his anger rise. "I think you apply too much importance to your 'power' and 'influence', Kathryn. People…individuals…are perfectly capable of destroying their own lives…causing themselves enough harm…all on their own. They can do it perfectly well without you. And sometimes it just happens for no reason." 

Kathryn backed away and shook her head. "No, it's me. I killed my father and Justin. I left Mark. I stranded my crew in the Delta Quadrant and not content with that, I killed many of them while doing it. I left my mother to die alone and alienated my sister." She stared hard at him. "I destroyed your life…murdered your child. You need to stay away from me. Keep your child away from me. Keep them all away. I'll just destroy you all." She began to pace and wring her hands together. "I bring death and destruction. That's all I'm good for." 

Chakotay watched her, his shock giving way to a deep sadness. "Oh Kathryn…I'm so sorry." 

Her eyes flew to his. "For what? Pointing out the obvious? You knew what I was and still you were with me…until I proved to you what I was capable of." She laughed suddenly, an empty sound. "At least you had the good sense to walk away before I killed you too." She saw him advance on her and backed away, shaking her head wildly. "Just go. Leave me." 

Chakotay's anger returned. "Leave you to what, Kathryn? Leave you so you can try and kill yourself again?" The words were out before he thought. 

Kathryn just glared back at him. "So what?" 

He shook his head in amazement. "They won't let you out of here until you're well again." 

Kathryn laughed sarcastically. "I'm not sick. I've just had enough. Anyway, I don't care if they never let me out of here. There's nothing out there for me. I don't care if they keep me locked up here forever." She waved him away. "Just go. Leave me here to rot. I deserve it." 

Chakotay sighed heavily, his anger abating now. "You're depressed, Kathryn. You've been through a terrible time, but you can recover. You've been depressed before but you were strong and beat it. You can do it again." 

She sneered at him. "Maybe I don't want to." 

Chakotay watched her sadly. "Apart from what I did to you, you had seven hard years out there. You need to recover from that. I also think you're depressed and that has become ingrained with you. You know no other way now. You need to learn to be happy again…want to be happy again." 

Kathryn merely shrugged at that. "What is happiness anyway? Personally I think it's over-rated." She moved slowly back towards the window, her voice softer now. "I'm tired of living and being what people want or expect me to be. It's too damn hard. I like this way better." 

Chakotay moved after her. "Kathryn, you were catatonic…totally withdrawn." 

She glanced back at him. "Whatever label they want to give it, I liked it better. I just know I was happier there. I'd escaped and you brought me back." She looked back out the window. "Damn you all for that." 

* * *

When Chakotay came out of Kathryn's room, Elizabeth was standing outside the technician's office. She met his eyes, but said nothing, merely sweeping her hand towards her office. Chakotay nodded numbly and followed her. 

He sat and stared at a painting of some rolling hills on one of the walls. He broke his stare when Elizabeth placed a cup of tea in his hand and sat down opposite him. 

Chakotay looked down at the cup in his lap. "That all shocked the hell out of me. From a few words to…that…that…" 

Elizabeth nodded slowly as she took a sip of her tea. "I'll be honest and say it shocked the hell out of me too. I was watching, as I know you guessed, and I debated whether to intervene or not. In the end, I let it go. I wanted to see what she was capable of." 

Chakotay almost snorted. "You got enough there for quite a few reports." 

Elizabeth smiled sadly. "It confirms my suspicions that she was ticking along just fine in her mind since she came back to us. She was just chewing through it. She surpassed even my thoughts on that though." 

Chakotay shook his head slowly and studied his cup. "What was all that? I was shocked to hear her say so much, and yet what she said was…" He looked up, his eyes asking for some sense of an answer. 

The doctor placed her cup on her desk. "You have to understand that there are a lot of feelings inside her…a lot of anger and confusion…hurt and pain. Seven years of captaining Voyager in the Delta Quadrant also weakened her and took its toll. I think what you saw was some of that coming out. It had to come out. However, because it came out in a rush, if you like, it sounded…well…exactly what you heard." 

Chakotay shook his head. "Sorry for how it sounds, but it came out as some kind of madness…like she was having a nervous breakdown or something." His eyes apologized for his words. 

Elizabeth smiled sadly. "You're being honest about how you feel, Chakotay. Don't apologize for that." She rubbed at her eyes tiredly. "What worries me most is how she feels about 'being back'." 

Chakotay closed his eyes for a moment and nodded. "She damned us all for that." 

Elizabeth leaned back in her chair. "I heard. And I guess that's our starting point now." 

Chakotay finished his tea and watched the woman sitting across from him. "What happens now? Should I continue to come here or what?" 

The doctor thought about that. Finally she nodded. "For the moment. I suspect she'll be quieter for the next few days now that some of the pressure has been released, if you like. She could also keep lashing out for a while. We'll just have to wait and see." She leaned forward. "Come as normal, but let her take the lead. We'll see how it goes." 

* * *

If Chakotay thought he'd find a quieter Kathryn during his next visit, he was in for a shock. The woman who stood before him now was almost a stranger to him. There was a coolness about her as she studied him. 

Her voice, when she spoke, sounded strange in the quiet room. "I'm well aware of why I'M here. Why are you here? How did you know where I was?" 

Chakotay sighed gently. "Your doctor, Elizabeth Fulton, came to see me. She asked me to come and see you…thought it might help." 

Kathryn digested that as she regarded him coldly. "I see." She turned away from him and stared out into the garden. 

Chakotay moved a little closer to her. "Kathryn, she just wanted to help you. She was doing her job. She also cares." 

Kathryn spun around, her eyes narrowing. "I know why they put me in here. I'm well aware of that. I don't need a shrink to tell me the reasons." She shook her head slowly. "So I take it you know all the sordid details." It wasn't quite a question and Chakotay's eyes gave her the answer she sought. She almost snorted as she shook her head again looking almost like the Kathryn he remembered. "I thought so." 

Chakotay spread his hands. "Kathryn, I'm here because…" 

Kathryn suddenly turned on him. "Oh, I'm sure you have your own sick and selfish reasons." She stabbed a finger towards him. "You come here… You come here….not on your own, mind you… You come here and… What? Did you want to see the freak show?" 

Her words cut him to the core. He saw her anger rise and it scared him. He risked a glance towards the wall panel and moved towards the window, clearing a way for Elizabeth to observe her patient. "Kathryn, I wanted to come." 

Kathryn's face twisted in anger. "No. You came here because SHE sought you out and asked you to come. Right?" She waved her hand angrily in the air as she sneered at him. "So after all this time, you come to see me. Feeling sorry for yourself, are you? Maybe a little guilty?" 

Chakotay stepped away from the window. "I have a lot of guilt. I also thought I could help." 

She laughed at that, the sound cutting through the air. "Help? Help? It must be hard to live with being so arrogant. Do you think you're the magic wand that will make me all happy again? Do you think my happiness and will to live depends on you? How dare you." She spit her words at him. 

Chakotay stared at her in shock. "I didn't think that." 

Kathryn laughed sarcastically again. "Yes, you did." She changed the tone of her voice. "What was it? 'Oh, I'll be nice to her, and she'll be so happy about that she'll bounce back and be all right again'." She stabbed a finger at him again. "You're so damned arrogant. You think because you walked away that I couldn't live without you?" 

She stepped forward quickly and slapped his face hard. "Damn you. You weren't the only thing in my life. Other things mattered too. I wasn't that shallow or pathetic. 'Oh, without my man I can't go on'. Well, fuck you, Chakotay." 

He stared at her in shock. "Kathryn…" 

She wasn't finished. "I know what you were thinking. 'I'll throw her some crumbs and she'll be so grateful'." She took a step back from him. "You think that'll get you off the hook and appease your guilt…wipe out what you did to me?" She slammed her fist against her own chest. "I'm responsible for how I ended up, but you're responsible for the way you treated me." She circled him and moved back to the window. "I'll deal with my sins. You deal with your own." 

Chakotay continued to stare at her, his mind in turmoil. He reached a hand out. "Kathryn, it wasn't…" She looked back at him, her eyes challenging him. He shook his head. "I know what I did to you…how I treated you. I'm sorry. I know what I caused." 

She shocked him again as she advanced on him. "You can't come charging in here on your white horse and rescue me. You also can't just say sorry and expect the past to never have happened…for it to evaporate." She sneered at him again. 

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not just going to fall into your arms sobbing in gratitude. You can't pat me on the back and say 'there…there…I'm back…it's all over…all OK now'." 

She shook her head angrily. "And another thing. You act like it's all to do with you…all down to you. Well, it isn't. There's a lot of pain inside me." She stared hard at him trying desperately to suppress a sob. "Losing the baby was a major part of that. I blamed myself for a long time. That lessened somewhat when the Doc told me he would have been handicapped and that I'd probably have miscarried anyway." She stopped dead at that, her eyes wide. 

Chakotay looked at her sadly. "It's OK. I know all about it. He told me." 

Kathryn took a moment with that and he saw her demeanour soften. "I'm sorry. I didn't think." 

He nodded. "It's OK." 

She looked away and was silent for several moments before turning back to look at him. "Knowing that didn't take all the guilt away. I still took the risk and that was wrong. I have to live with that…with the knowledge that I lost our baby…your baby…" She held his eyes as she said that, then looked away. 

"Later though…that was you." She looked back at him, her voice quieter now. "When I needed you most, you weren't there. You walked away from me. You left me alone to deal with that. There were times during that first month when I thought I'd go mad with the pain and loneliness. I came close to ending it many times then." 

She saw the pain her words caused, but hardened herself to it. "But I forced myself to think of the crew, who didn't deserve the fallout from our lives." She laughed slightly. "I even thought of you. I thought of the promise I'd made to get you all home. That's the only thing that kept me going." She shrugged. "When that was done…when I'd achieved that…" Her voice trailed off for a moment and she looked sadly out the window. "There was nothing else…nothing left…no one…" 

Chakotay's pain was clearly written on his face. "Oh God, Kathryn…I'm so sorry." It was all he seemed capable of saying, but his words seemed to snap her out of it. 

Kathryn shook her head suddenly and looked confused for a moment then glared at the man before her. "Damn you, Chakotay. Why did you make me bring all that out? I wanted to forget all this." 

Chakotay saw an opening and went for it. "Kathryn, maybe it's better to face it and deal with it." It was the wrong thing to say. 

Kathryn's head snapped round and she almost hissed at him. "I don't want to face it or deal with it. I've lived it. That was enough for one lifetime. The memories are too…" She twisted her hands together. "You must have gotten a sick pleasure in bringing your child here…using her to get to me." 

Chakotay's eyes widened in shock. "You think I brought my daughter here to hurt you?" He fell back, shaking his head. "Oh God, how could you think that?" 

He saw from her eyes that Kathryn regretted her words, but it was too late to take them back. She whispered softly. "That hurt." 

He nodded. "I know. It wasn't my idea." 

She didn't seem to hear him as she went back to stand guard at the window. Suddenly she turned back to look at him. "I think visiting time is over." She might as well have been back on Voyager telling him 'Dismissed'. 

Chakotay just stood and stared at her, not knowing what to say at this point. He once again glanced towards the wall, and when he looked back saw Kathryn watching him. She smiled to herself and shook her head, then turned back to the window 

* * *

Having seen the turn in her patient, Elizabeth Fulton opened the door and walked into the room. She smiled at Chakotay and nodded. "I think that's enough for today. Kathryn needs her rest." 

Kathryn turned and stared hard at the doctor. "And what have you got to say for yourself?" 

Elizabeth refused to get flustered by the sudden question. "Good afternoon to you too, Kathryn. You're doing well." 

Kathryn tossed her head back. "You're the expert." 

Elizabeth wasn't going to be drawn. "Not a good day?" 

Kathryn sneered. "Not a good life." She softened. "I hate all these memories." 

Elizabeth smiled sadly. "Take those memories, Kathryn. Turn them into dreams." 

Kathryn stared at the other woman and then looked at Chakotay, as if suddenly remembering he was still there. She smiled slowly as she looked back at Elizabeth. "Oh yes…" She jerked her finger towards the wall. "I've noticed our friend here and some of the nurses glance at this wall from time to time. Your timing coming in here just now and your comment about memories and dreams tells me they all report to you. You don't train your little helpers very well, do you? I should have known you'd be watching me and listening to me. Get some good images, did you? Have a laugh with your fellow doctors? Fill out loads of reports? I do hope I put on a good and entertaining show for you." 

Elizabeth stood her ground as she held Kathryn's gaze. "It's for your own safety and it's the law. All that I do is for your own good." 

Kathryn's anger rose to the surface again. "No, it's not." She gestured towards Chakotay, who stood rooted to the spot. "You're as bad as him. You brought him here…told him everything. How dare you. You'd no right to go to him. You'd no right to discuss me with him." 

Elizabeth moved further into the room. "I know that, Kathryn, but I could think of no other way to reach you…and it worked." 

Kathryn turned away, her anger abating from exhaustion more than anything. "Your methods are cruel then. You should have just left me there…left me where I was." 

Elizabeth smiled sadly. "Left you in a catatonic state, Kathryn?" 

Kathryn spun around with tears in her eyes. "I was happy there." 

Kathryn's eyes flew to the door as it suddenly opened. B'Elanna walked in, inhaling the scent from a bouquet of flowers she carried. She looked up and smiled for a brief moment before the smile fell from her face as she took in the scene before her. 

Kathryn advanced on her visitor. "Well…well…Lieutenant Torres. Were you in on this little stunt too? Did she recruit you as well?" 

B'Elanna looked around at the others then back at her former captain. "In on what?" 

Kathryn rolled her eyes and waved her hand towards the other two. "All this charade…using the baby…" 

B'Elanna shrugged slightly. "Not at first. I knew later and I came to see you." She took the plunge. "It was my idea about Rose though." 

Kathryn folded her arms and glared at the younger woman. "Yes…well, I'll deal with you later." 

Kathryn went to turn away but B'Elanna stepped into her path, a look of shocked amusement on her face. "I beg your pardon? You'll deal with me later? You're not my captain anymore. We're not in Starfleet now. The playing field is even, Kathryn Janeway. I came here as a friend." With that she shoved the flowers into Kathryn's arms. "Here." 

Kathryn had the good grace to look embarrassed. She walked over to the chair and put the flowers down on it, then looked back at B'Elanna. "I'm sorry. You're right. Thank you for the flowers." She sighed heavily and looked at them all in turn, a sad look on her face. She returned to her window and shrugged. "It doesn't matter anyway." She stared hard at Elizabeth. "After today's little outbursts, she'll never let me out of here again. She'll have me committed, if she hasn't already." 

She waved a hand at them all. "Oh, just get out. All of you. Leave the madwoman with some privacy." She turned back to look out the window, jerking her thumb towards the wall. "Barring the security of course." With that she turned her back on them all, her actions saying louder than words that she was finished. 

* * *

Elizabeth gave her patient time to reflect. Two hours later she pushed open the door and entered Kathryn's room. 

Kathryn was again staring out the window, her hands playing with the curtain. She glanced back at the doctor. "What do you want?" 

Elizabeth moved to the other side of the window. "Feel better, do you? I bet it feels good to have gotten all that out. It's probably the first time in years you've felt anything that self-preserving." She moved to one of the hard backed chairs and sat down. "Kathryn, everything you've felt since all this began has been negative…inwardly destructive. Pain, depression, grief, loss, hurt, fear. Now you have anger and that's actually a positive emotion for you. You're suddenly fighting…standing up for yourself. It actually matters to you what the rest of us are thinking and talking about." 

Kathryn left her window and moved to her usual chair. She sat slowly, folded her arms then glared at the doctor. "Swallow some of our text padds, did we?" 

Elizabeth gave a small smile. "Sarcasm? That's good too." 

Kathryn looked away. "You think you have all the clever answers, don't you? You have the solution to this." 

Elizabeth looked at her patient sadly. "No, Kathryn, I don't...but you do. Inside you. I'm just here to help you see it…help you find it and know where to look." 

Kathryn just looked down at her hands in her lap. "What if I don't want it…this solution of yours?" 

Elizabeth leaned forward. "I think you do. You care, Kathryn. If you didn't, you wouldn't have gotten so angry." 

Kathryn stood up quickly and returned to the window. "You think you're so damn smart." 

Elizabeth stood also. "No, Kathryn. If I'd been smart, I'd never have let you go after the first time you tried to end it all." 

Kathryn's eyes flew to hers before she dropped them. She studied the floor for several moments. "I hate you." She knew it sounded childish, but she didn't care. 

Elizabeth smiled at that. "Good. I'd rather you hate me than yourself." 

Kathryn lowered her voice and looked down at her feet. "It's my life." She jumped when Elizabeth grabbed her arms and pulled her around to face her. 

"Yes, it is, Kathryn. So damn well fight for it." 


	7. Chapter 7

Chakotay visited a much quieter Kathryn over the next few days. She spoke with him casually, interacting with him on a basic and safe level. He even saw vague shades of the old Kathryn and felt some hope for the first time since he'd come to the hospital. 

He called to see Elizabeth on his way out, finding the doctor in her office going through reports. 

Elizabeth nodded towards the replicator as she finished what she was doing. Chakotay sat down across from her. "Thanks, but I'm drowning in tea these days." 

Elizabeth smiled and put away her work. "What can I do for you, Chakotay?" 

He shrugged. "Just checking in, I guess…or reporting in, as Kathryn would call it." 

Elizabeth smiled and shook her head. "She's pretty pissed at us all, although she's hiding it well." 

Chakotay leaned back in his chair. "I see good improvements in her. I even see glimpses of the old Kathryn. There's a calmness about her now. I think she just needed to get all that out before, and now…" 

Elizabeth sighed and leaned back in her own chair. "Yes, she's making progress. She's doing well. She's angry with me, which is good. She let that show for a while, but now she's covering it. However, she still hasn't touched on the cause of all this with me. She's avoiding the painful subjects like the plague." 

Chakotay leaned forward a little. "But she's doing well." 

The doctor nodded. "Yes, she seems to be." 

Chakotay studied her. "You say that, but you don't seem convinced of it." 

Elizabeth sighed heavily and leaned forward also. "She fooled me once, Chakotay. 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'. She's a damn good actress. She performs well, but there's a sincerity missing from her performance…something lacking." 

Chakotay frowned worriedly. "What are you saying? You think this calmness and talking is all an act to get out of here so she can try again?" 

Elizabeth spread her hands in a gesture of helplessness. "I don't know. Maybe…possibly. Perhaps she just doesn't care either way. I know one thing. I have to be one hundred percent sure this time before I let her go. She's tried to kill herself not once, but twice. What do they say? Third time's a charm?" She smiled her apology. "Sorry, I didn't mean it that way." She laced her fingers together. 

"Look, it may sound devious, but she's not aware of the viewing panel we have in the bathroom. I've watched her, unaware that she's being watched in there. She sits on the floor, her head down and sometimes crying. She's still depressed, deeply so, but as soon as someone comes in she's up and out of there, as cheerful and bright as she can manage. Once they leave, she's back in there and lets go again." 

Chakotay looked troubled. "Having that in there doesn't seem right somehow. She has no idea." 

Elizabeth smiled sadly. "No, she doesn't know it's there or that we're watching her there. I'm a bit surprised she hasn't suspected or looked for it." She sighed. "Look, I know it seems like a terrible invasion of her privacy, but it's only select staff here who watch her and it's all strictly confidential. They're all cleared and qualified to help her in the bathroom anyway so this is a form of extension to that." She leaned forward slightly. "Chakotay, we need to do this. I know it seems underhanded, but I'd rather this than think about what could happen. What if she tried something in there? I'm not taking any chances, no matter how improved she seems." 

Chakotay latched onto that, grabbing what hope he could. "So you agree she's improving?" 

She sighed heavily again. "Yes, she's improving, but she still has a long way to go. For now we take it as it comes." She smiled softly. "Anyway, it's early days…way too early to think about release and so on. First, she has a lot of work to do and a lot to face and sort out. There's a lot of pain facing her that she has to deal with." 

Chakotay closed his eyes for a moment and pinched the bridge of his nose. He opened his eyes again and looked at the woman sitting across from him. "I guess I was seeing what I wanted to see." 

Elizabeth nodded sadly. "And what SHE wants us to see." 

He nodded and sighed. "You know, when she came out of this I expected her to be the woman I knew before, the woman she was. I think I told you that." 

Elizabeth smiled sadly. "You mean the woman you wanted and needed to see?" 

Chakotay fell back in his chair. "Exactly. No matter what my sins against her, I knew that woman." He shook his head, trying to shut off his painful thoughts and failing. He looked sadly at the woman before him. "It's hard to accept that she's never going to be her again. That woman is gone. I destroyed her." 

Elizabeth sighed heavily. "No, life changed her…as it does us all." She shook her head. "Chakotay, we've been through this. You were never going to find the woman you were looking for, or the one you remembered. I don't really know what you were expecting, and maybe you don't either, but that woman was never going to be there. You can't ever make her as she was before all this and before the baby. There's no 'cure' for that, no way to undo it. You can't turn the clock back. You can examine it all you want but that'll get you nowhere. You have to stop dwelling on the past and move on." 

Chakotay hung his head and managed a sad smile. "Underneath it all, I do know that. It's just…had you known her before…the way she…" He squeezed his eyes closed a moment and shook his head, as if trying to dislodge the painful memories. "I need to help her…" 

Elizabeth frowned at that. "Why? Chakotay, you can't help her because you want to atone. It doesn't work that way. We've been through this before as well." She sighed and leaned back. "You have a lot of guilt. I know that. But I think you believe that helping to 'bring her back' will make you feel less guilty or whatever. Kathryn needs to do this for herself. Not for you…" She smiled sadly to herself. "Not even for me." She dropped her head to the side. "You and I have a lot in common where this is concerned. We both have guilt over letting her down." She shrugged. "I'm probably doing the same thing." 

Chakotay drew in a deep breath as he studied Elizabeth. "You're right. And going around in these circles isn't helping." He cleared his throat. "So what about now? What do I do?" 

The doctor regarded him, choosing her words carefully. "Actually, I think it's time." She sighed. "I need to ask you to stand back now." 

Chakotay rubbed at his face. "I've served my purpose." 

Elizabeth leaned forward and placed a hand on his knee. "Chakotay, she has a long road ahead of her. I have to help her on that journey, but first I have to get her to WANT to make it." She smiled softly. "Your job is done. You can still be her friend later, but for now you've done what I needed you to do…you and the others." 

She removed her hand. "You helped me to bring her out of it. Making her embrace life again is my job…and hers. She has to want to live for herself…no one else. Making her like she was before, or expecting that of her, won't undo it all or how you were with her. I know you say you see glimpses of the old Kathryn, but as I said, in most ways that woman is gone. You may see parts of her, but the woman you'll see now will always be affected by what happened. She can't be the woman she was. Too much has happened. We're moulded by everything we experience. She can't be who she was before for you. Trying to make her be that woman won't undo what happened or help you feel better. You can't go back in time and change how it all happened or unfolded." She paused and her words hung in the air. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Chakotay. That was cruel and uncalled for." She sighed. "The thing is…with you here she may try to be that again. She might use your memories of her as a template, and that's not what she needs. Can you understand that?" 

Chakotay shook his head, his eyes filled with sadness. "No, you're right. I think a part of me was pushing her to be who she was before…for myself more than for her. She was quite a woman….smart, strong and yet compassionate. Hostile aliens cringed before her 'death glare' and her strength was what got the whole crew home." He smiled briefly. "I think I expected her to be the old Kathryn…or maybe I just wanted her to be. Maybe I just thought if she was, it would be like turning the clock back." He shrugged. "In reality though, I know I can never atone for what I did to her…never undo it or make amends for it. I let her down and selfishly thought only of myself and my own pain. She can't ever forgive that, and even if she did, she'll never forget it. She'd always be afraid I'd let her down again." 

He drew in a deep breath and took a moment to sort his thoughts. He watched his fingers twist together in his lap. Elizabeth read him well and said nothing. Finally he looked at her. "Can I ask you something?" She nodded. "Why was I the way I was? Why did I do that to her? Why did I act that way? What turned me into someone who could so badly hurt the woman he loved so much? Was it just me being a total bastard or…" 

Elizabeth leaned forward and placed a hand on his knee. "Chakotay, stop. I can't really answer that for you. That would be tantamount to counselling you in a way at this stage and I can't take you on and 'treat' you. That would be a conflict of interest and Kathryn is my patient. We're here about her." She smiled ruefully. "Besides, I've broken enough rules as it is." 

Chakotay shook his head. "I'm not asking that of you. Take a wild guess here. I won't hold you to anything. Just talk to me as a fellow human being for a moment. I only want your opinion. Be brutal if you need to." 

Elizabeth saw his eyes plead for an answer. She nodded slowly and sat back. "OK." She sighed and shook her head. "This isn't a personal criticism, but I think, like a lot of men, when something like this happens you felt you weren't able to openly grieve the way you needed to. Something had to come out though, so it came out as anger. Many men still believe it's a sign of weakness to show their pain, grief or sadness. Apart from anything else, like your love for him and anticipation of just having a child, your son was a fulfilment of a dream, tied into so much else. When you were denied that, you felt cheated. There seemed to be no reason for the end of your dream so you sought one." 

Chakotay stared down at his hands again and spoke softly. "Having Kathryn and the hope of a child brought me peace, and then it was gone. I became an angry man again…" He looked up at the doctor. 

Elizabeth frowned. "Again?" 

He nodded. "I saw all the elements of the angry man I was before I knew Kathryn…before Voyager, when I was a Maquis." 

Elizabeth nodded her understanding. "Ahh, I see." She sat forward again. "As I see it…" She sighed. "As a way to cope with this terrible loss, you lashed out at the person you were supposed to love the most and who needed you most. Something you believed in was suddenly snatched from you, and probably feeling unable to show that grief, you disguised it as anger. That anger also covered your pain. You were blinded to her pain by your own." 

Chakotay just shook his head sadly. "If I'm honest, it was easier to make her responsible." He groaned. "When I think back to the way I treated Kathryn…" He barely met Elizabeth's eyes. "It's a damn miracle she made it back with what I did to her." 

The doctor smiled kindly. "You can't change the past, Chakotay." She waved a hand. "All this…seeing her again…talking about it…has lifted that blindness caused by your pain. You see it all now and that's good. It can help you heal. As to what Kathryn went through before, it shows her strength to be able to carry her burdens and responsibilities to the end. I can work on that and re-instil that strength in her to carry her through what she's facing now and what lies ahead." 

Chakotay looked away a moment then back at Elizabeth. "We've talked and yet I don't know what's in her mind. There was a time I used to know what she was thinking. That's long gone. I used to even be able to read her emotions. Now I'm not so sure. I thought she was improving and yet you see something different." 

Elizabeth sat back. "I'm trained, Chakotay. I studied for a lot of years and I'll see many things others won't. She has improved but she's also still very fragile and vulnerable. The main thing here is that she's finally facing this. Your presence here has made her look more closely at herself." She smiled gently. "You know, in one way she's further along than you. I think you're still suppressing a lot. Talking to someone like a counsellor might not be a bad idea. Some form of therapy would be good for you…for yourself."   
  
He nodded at that. "So I stand back now." It wasn't a question…more an admitting of a fact. 

Elizabeth sat back and studied him as she thought. "Look, Chakotay, once again I'm asking you to trust me to know what's best here. So let's try this. Come tomorrow as usual but don't stay as long. The same for the next day. After that, I'll see how she is and perhaps then I'll step in full time and work with her." 

Chakotay stood slowly. "OK." He moved to the door then turned back. "You know, I hadn't thought about this. I've gotten so used to seeing her again." He shrugged. "Yeah…well…" He opened the door. "I'll see you tomorrow." With that he was gone, leaving Elizabeth staring at the closed door. These were the aspects of her job that she hated. 

* * *

Chakotay's penultimate visit was hard for him. Knowing his days would soon be without the woman he'd come to know again ate away at him. He forced himself to act cheerful, the last thing he felt. 

Kathryn, for her part, seemed to sense the change in him but said nothing. He saw her watching him, studying him closely when he spoke. She said little at first until it was time for him to leave, a good half an hour before his usual time. 

As he stood and moved towards the door, she turned and moved towards him. "Is this part of the good doctor's plan? Is she weaning you off me…or me off you?" 

Chakotay was amazed that she'd come so close to the truth. He tried to hide it, but it was clearly written on his face. "I trust her, Kathryn. She's the expert." 

Kathryn laughed slightly. "Good answer, Chakotay. Very clever. I should have utilized your diplomatic skills more on Voyager." She moved over to the wall and leaned back against it. "So what's your plan in all this? Are you just going to try and make your peace with all this and move on?" 

Chakotay looked at her sadly. "I can never atone for what I did to you...or change it." The words echoed in his mind, words he'd spoken to Elizabeth Fulton only the previous day. He suddenly felt the need to speak them again to Kathryn, almost as if he might never get another chance. 

"I can't undo it or make amends. I let you down very badly. I saw only my own pain and thought only of myself. You can't ever forgive me for that…for what I did to you…what I put you through. Even if you did, you'd never forget it. You'd always remember…always be waiting for me to let you down again…always be afraid that I'd do that." He shook his head, then turned and walked slowly towards the door. 

Kathryn's voice followed him, a hardness to it which didn't cover her pain. "Maybe you're right in some of what you say, because that's what you're doing now, Chakotay. Have you thought of that? Do you realize that?" She moved away from the wall. 

"You say you're sorry you hurt me and yet here you are right at this moment hurting me and walking away again. In fact, you're good at that, aren't you? Walking away?" She stared hard at him and when he turned back to look at her, she moved a little closer. 

"As to the rest… You're right. I can't forget. And some of it I don't want to ever forget, because to forget would mean denying our son." 

Chakotay felt his eyes fill with tears. He sounded hoarse when he spoke the one word…his son's name. "Caylem…" 

Kathryn remembered him saying he'd spoken to Voyager's Doctor and accepted that he knew the name she'd chosen. "He existed, Chakotay. We may never have held him in our arms…but he existed." 

They stared at each other for several minutes, neither one speaking. Finally Chakotay broke the silence. "You're right. I know that." He sighed heavily. "It's the rest though…how I dealt with it…how I treated you. That was unforgivable." 

Kathryn nodded slowly. "In some ways, yes. I never fought you on it though. I should have confronted you and made you face me." She sighed and turned away slightly. "Look, we both dealt with it in our own way. Both ways were wrong, but we can't change that now. So we try to heal ourselves… forgive." She looked up at him. "You accused me for many years of running away from you and my feelings, and now you're doing the same thing." 

Chakotay's eyes pleaded for understanding. "It has to be this way. I'm not helping you…and Dr. Fulton…" He sighed heavily. "I can't ever atone. I hurt you too badly." 

Kathryn just shook her head. "Hurt me? Walking away again is doing that, Chakotay. Had you thought of that?" She waved him away suddenly. "Oh, maybe she's right. Maybe I don't know my own mind anymore. I can't forgive myself." 

Chakotay moved towards her. "Kathryn, you've nothing to forgive yourself for. I'm the one who needs forgiving." 

Kathryn looked at him sadly. "I know you want and need me to tell you it's all right. I'm sorry, but right now I can't. I need all my energy just to stand here talking to you…to stay upright." 

Chakotay nodded sadly. "I'm not asking for your forgiveness right now. Maybe in time, but… I let you down…and I let our son down… At this moment, I just need your understanding…although…" 

Kathryn moved back to her window. "I can't even give you that." She pulled back the curtain a little then looked back at him. "You think you made me this way. Well, I was responsible for myself, Chakotay. I let myself get this way. I let myself sink deeper and deeper, instead of trying to climb out of it. That was my fault, not yours." 

Chakotay stepped closer. "But I caused it…" 

Kathryn nodded. "In a way, yes…but I dealt with it…or rather didn't." She turned to face him more fully. "Look, when my father and Justin died, I did the same thing. I went into a deep depression and would have stayed that way but for my sister…" 

She looked off into the distance for a moment, speaking softly to herself. "We were close then…a long time ago…" She sighed. "Time and distance…memories and dreams…" 

She shook her head suddenly, bringing herself back to the present. "My point is…they were the reason. Not the cause, but the reason. This time it was losing the baby and you…but the continuation of that…my way of dealing with it…or not dealing with it, as I said… That is and was my fault alone. It doesn't excuse you, but I have to be responsible for myself." 

Chakotay wanted to cry. "Kathryn, I…." 

She stared hard at him as she raised her hand to silence him. "No, Chakotay. It's like…" She sighed heavily. "When we got back, I know what I did. I know how depressed I was…and yes…I tried to end it twice…but…" The words suddenly seemed to stick in her throat and she turned away. 

Chakotay reached out and touched her arm. "Kathryn, I'm sorry. I wish so much that…" 

She pulled away from him. "I don't need reassurance from you." 

He shook his head. "No…but I need it from you." They were both silent for a time, both having too much to say, yet unable to say it. Chakotay moved away from her. "Kathryn…" 

Before he could say more, she turned fully facing the window. "Just go, Chakotay. Just get out." 

With a final 'I'm sorry' whispered into the air, he nodded and left the room. 

* * *

Chakotay stared ahead at nothing as Elizabeth walked him out of the hospital. He stopped and looked at the woman beside him. "Want to hear something really bad? In a way it was easier when she was catatonic. It was easier to blame her…easier to believe I hated her. When she was like that…not talking…she couldn't do this to me." 

Elizabeth studied him. "Do what to you?" 

Chakotay laughed sarcastically. "Hit me with the truth. That saying about the truth hurting is true. It hurts like hell and there's nothing I can take for it…no magic medical cure for it." He turned and walked towards his hovercar. 

Elizabeth called after him. "Will you still come tomorrow?" 

He stopped and looked back, shielding his eyes against the evening sun. "Yeah. I owe her that much." He smiled sadly. "Just call me a glutton for punishment…" 

Elizabeth watched him leave and whispered softly to herself. "Or a man still in love." 

* * *

Chakotay never got to make his visit the next day. Instead he received a frantic call in the early hours from Elizabeth. He fought the grogginess which consumed him and rubbed at his eyes, trying to make sense of what was happening. He'd spent much of the night tossing and turning, his time with Kathryn playing on his mind, before finally falling into a fitful sleep. 

He willed himself to alertness as he looked at the doctor's worried face. "What's wrong?" He feared the answer. 

Elizabeth hesitated a moment before her words rushed out. "Chakotay, on the off chance…is Kathryn with you?" 

He fought the blind panic he felt building. "Please don't tell me she's missing." 

Elizabeth nodded slowly, pushing tossed hair back from her face. It was clear she'd rushed straight to the hospital from her bed. "Her nurse on night shift checked her at 02:00 and she was asleep. She checked again at 03:00 and thought at first she was still asleep. She was closing the door, about to fall for the oldest one in the book, when something rang her alarm bells. She went into the room, pulled the covers back and found only pillows." 

Chakotay tried to rub the sleep from his eyes. He felt his heart pounding. "Is she sure Kathryn was there at 02:00?" 

Elizabeth nodded. "Yeah. She saw her moving under the blanket." 

He forced his mind to work. "Just let me call Tom and B'Elanna. I'll leave Rose with them, then come right over." 

Elizabeth shook her head. "There's nothing you can do here…" 

Chakotay stood up. "Maybe not, but at least I'll feel as if I'm doing something." 

* * *

Two days later Chakotay frantically paced Elizabeth's office. B'Elanna and the doctor watched him. He raked a hand through his hair. "What if she tries again?" He stopped and locked eyes with Elizabeth. "You don't think she's already…?" He began pacing again. "No. We can't think like that." 

Elizabeth watched him. "Chakotay…" 

He stopped pacing again. "It's been two days. We've tried everywhere. We have to alert security." 

Elizabeth sighed deeply. "Chakotay, I'm well aware of that, but if we report this and they find her, she'll be out of my hands. They'll section her and institutionalize her." 

Chakotay stopped again and shook his head. "Maybe she needs to be." 

B'Elanna chipped in at this point. "You don't want to see that, Chakotay, and you know it." 

Elizabeth nodded in agreement. "I can't force her recovery on her. She has to want this for herself." 

Chakotay finally sat down, worn out with his pacing. "If there's no word of her by this evening, I'm calling them myself." 

Elizabeth sat up straight. "I can't stop you doing that, Chakotay. I can, however, plead with you not to." 

He rubbed at his face. "Well, maybe you can sit here and wait to hear where they find the body, but I can't." 

B'Elanna shot forward. "That's unfair, Chakotay. We've trusted Elizabeth all through this and she's never let us down. This isn't anyone's fault." 

Chakotay nodded and leaned forward, running his hands through his hair again. "I know. I know. I'm sorry. I'm just so worried." 

Elizabeth reached over and squeezed his hand. "Chakotay, we're all worried. Look, I'll make a deal with you. For now, go home and get some rest. Get something to eat. If there's no word by the morning, I'll alert security. I promise." 

Chakotay thought about that and then nodded. "All right. No later though. I'm terrified we might already be too late." 

* * *

Chakotay was barely in the door when the call came. He locked eyes with B'Elanna and handed Rose over to her. 

He activated the comm link and saw Elizabeth smiling at him. "Please tell me what I want to hear." 

Elizabeth smiled and nodded. "She's back. You'd barely left when she just walked in as if she'd merely been out for a walk. She simply waved away our worried looks and walked back to her room." 

Chakotay sat down and looked up at B'Elanna beside him, seeing his relief mirrored on her face. He looked back at the screen. "Where was she?" 

The doctor shrugged. "She's not talking too much. She did, however, ask to see you." 

Chakotay looked up at B'Elanna quickly, but before he could ask she nodded and smiled. "I'll take Rose back with me. You go on. You can pick her up later." He smiled his thanks and gratitude, gripping her hand and squeezing it. 

"Thanks. You're a real friend." He turned back to the screen. "You heard that?" 

Elizabeth nodded. "I'll see you when you get here." 

* * *

When Chakotay arrived at the hospital, he raced inside and skidded to a stop at the nurses' station. "Where is she?" He didn't need to say more. They all knew him well at this stage. 

A dark haired young nurse nodded towards Kathryn's room down the corridor. "She's in her room. Dr. Fulton is with her." 

Chakotay was off running before she finished speaking. He stopped outside the door, hesitated a moment and then knocked. He heard Elizabeth call for him to enter. 

Kathryn stood at her window again, her back to the door. She was wearing a pale blue robe. Chakotay looked from her to Elizabeth. The doctor smiled and held up a nurses' uniform. "Our friend here managed to get hold of this. That's how she walked out of here unchallenged." 

Kathryn turned slowly and looked at Chakotay. "SHE is here, you know." 

Elizabeth shook her head. "Yes, Kathryn. We know. SHE should never have left." 

Chakotay stepped into the room. His days of worry and fear turned into anger. "Where the hell were you, Kathryn? Have you any idea how worried we were or what we've been through?" 

Kathryn just laughed. "Oh, calm down, Chakotay. I was fine. I withdrew. I wasn't mentally retarded. So don't treat me that way. My mind works just fine. I can think for myself and function perfectly well. I was fine out there." 

He wasn't taking that. "YOU knew that. WE didn't." 

She waved that away. "Well, I'm back now." 

Chakotay sank into a chair. "We were so worried." He drew in a deep breath then blew it out. He looked down at his hands. "You came back though, thank God." When he looked up, Kathryn was watching him. 

"Do you expect me to say 'sorry' or 'you win'?" 

Chakotay frowned. "No, Kathryn…I…" 

She stared hard at him. "Good…because you'll be waiting a long time." She shrugged. "Anyway…I didn't come back for you, in case that's what you're thinking. I came back for me." 

He nodded slowly. "Where were you? Where did you go?" 

Kathryn sighed. "I needed some time to myself…time alone with my thoughts. Is there a law against that?" She shook her head and sighed. "I walked a lot. Thought a lot. I went to Caylem's grave…" She saw the pain that caused Chakotay, but pushed on. "I thought about him…what he'd have been like… I talked to him…sat and talked for hours." She sighed. "I began to realize that dying would be an insult to him." 

Her words hung in the air. Chakotay stared at her as he absorbed them. She suddenly straightened herself, as if fighting her emotions. There were shades of the captain in the woman who stood before him now. "I know this…from myself and from Elizabeth… I have to do this for myself and by myself." 

She moved closer to him, her demeanour softening. "I know you were worried and in truth I am sorry for that. I have to think of myself and my needs first though, and I needed time to myself." She sighed. "Chakotay, I have a journey to make. I'm still not sure I want to make it, but…" She glanced at Elizabeth who just sat quietly and listened. "My point is…if I'm going to make it…I want…no…I need…to do it alone." She swallowed loudly then drew in a deep breath, drawing herself up and straightening her shoulders. She looked directly at Chakotay. 

"I want you to go. I don't want you to come back here." She forced herself to ignore the pain she saw in his eyes. "I'm sorry, but you're a distraction I don't need. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but it's the way it has to be. I needed to say that to you face to face though." 

Chakotay lowered his eyes. "I understand. I do." He looked back up at her and then stood slowly. "Look, can I see you again…sometime…later…when…" 

Kathryn hardened herself. "I don't know. I'm not thinking that far ahead right now. One day at a time is all I can manage." Seeing his pain and hurt tore at her. "Maybe someday…" 

He nodded sadly and sighed heavily. "I understand. Just don't hold my breath." 

Kathryn looked away. "I'm sorry." 

Chakotay nodded. "So am I…although I deserve this." 

Kathryn looked back at him, her face softening. "This isn't some kind of payback, Chakotay. You hurt me so I'll hurt you." 

He nodded again as he moved towards the door. "It's OK. I'll go." He suddenly turned back and moved closer to her. "I need to say this first. Please." She nodded her permission. "I'm so very sorry. I need to say that to you. I hurt you very badly and I'll regret that for the rest of my life. I'm not asking for your forgiveness…just some semblance of understanding. I was very selfish in my pain. I was also very weak in it. I couldn't take it and lashing out at you in anger distracted me from it. I hid behind that pain and anger. That's no excuse, but it's what I did. The more I concentrated on my anger, the easier it was to face the pain. I became so bitter. I had all these beliefs… I thought you were less committed to us. I thought you didn't want the baby…all of that." He saw he was hurting her, but pushed on, needing to say all this in case he never got another chance. "I thought you were even worried about the crew's reaction to us." He sighed. 

"It took looking at an image of our last short leave…an image Louise left for me to find…to see the truth." He shook his head sadly. "I'm so sorry for all that. I was so wrong." He turned back towards the door. "I'll leave you in peace." He looked back at her and smiled slightly. "You know, I thought you didn't want me to walk away again." 

Kathryn fought to hold herself together. "This time I need you to. I'm afraid of you becoming a crutch. I can't take that chance. I need to learn to walk on my own…unaided and unassisted. I need to be the real me once again." 

He nodded his understanding and managed a small smile. "I wish you nothing but the very best, Kathryn. I hope you find the life you deserve." He turned and walked to the door. 

Kathryn's voice stopped him as he opened the door. "Chakotay…" He looked back. She smiled softly at him. "Chakotay…" She sighed. "I'm truly sorry about Louise. I really mean that. She was a lovely woman. I should have said that to you before." 

Chakotay smiled sadly. "Yes, she was." He looked kindly at her. "Thank you, Kathryn. That means a lot." With that he turned and walked out." 

* * *

Elizabeth caught up with Chakotay at the main doors to the clinic. "Chakotay…" 

He turned and looked back at her then stopped. "I'm fine." 

The young woman's expression showed she didn't believe that for a moment. "Well, pardon me if I don't act all convinced." She reached out and squeezed his arm. "I know it's hard on you, but you have to see that this is an amazing achievement for her. It's given me the best hope for her recovery. We've been skirting so many issues all this time, and now I think she'll face them. By her own choice too." She smiled kindly at him. "I think you both have a long road to recovery ahead of you. Kathryn has taken that first step. Maybe it's time you stepped onto that road too and let go of your guilt." 

Chakotay looked down at her hand on his arm and placed his own hand over hers. "Maybe…" 

She smiled kindly at him. "It's time to do that, Chakotay. You have to move forward too. Deal with the past, acknowledge it, but move forward." 

Chakotay swallowed loudly and nodded. "I know." He shrugged and managed a small smile. "Elizabeth, thank you for all you've done for her…and for me." 

Elizabeth smiled softly. "This was a team effort…not just me or you…but the nurses, B'Elanna and Tom." She let her smile slip. "However, Kathryn has to do the rest of this on her own." 

He nodded. "Yeah…I know." He removed his hand from hers. "Just keep in touch and let me know how she's doing." He smiled. "Or at least don't cut me off when I call you and ask how she is." 

The doctor smiled. "You know I can't call you and give you reports." 

Chakotay understood. "I can call and inquire about a patient though." 

She smiled again as she walked back inside. "People do that all the time, Chakotay. That's fine." 

* * *

Elizabeth returned to her patient's room and stood with her back against the closed door. She watched Kathryn staring out the window. "Did you really mean all that, or was it for his benefit?" 

Kathryn turned around to look at the doctor. "I meant it. If I do this, it has to be for myself. I can't do it with him around to distract me. I meant that." 

Elizabeth nodded as she moved into the room. "You really want to get better though?" 

Kathryn turned slowly and made her way to her chair. "Strangely, yes." She looked directly at the other woman. "When I left here…" She shook her head and looked down into her lap. She jumped when she felt Elizabeth's hands on hers, the woman kneeling before her. 

"You left to take care of unfinished business?" 

Kathryn stared at their joined hands for a moment and then shook her head. "I wasn't sure. It was a possibility, but I was undecided. I really didn't know, although it was in the back of my mind." She looked at Elizabeth. "I'm sorry for that. I know all the hard work you…" 

Elizabeth squeezed her hands. "Kathryn, believe it or not, you owe me nothing. You do, however, owe yourself. I believe that the life we're all given is a gift. Some have to really fight for that life." 

Kathryn sighed heavily. "I know that only too well. I've witnessed that fight too many times. And here I was throwing that gift away. Isn't that what you mean?" 

The doctor shook her head. "No, Kathryn. I just think you deserve all the good that life has to offer you." 

Kathryn laughed sarcastically at that. "I have a lot of sins on my soul. I'm not so sure I deserve any good." She sobered when she saw the look on Elizabeth's face. 

"That's not funny, Kathryn. We all deserve good. We deserve love and kindness and…" 

Kathryn laughed again, but the sound was hollow. "You don't know me very well. I killed a lot of people. I have blood on my hands. I even killed my own child." She stopped when she saw the anger on the face of her doctor. 

Elizabeth let go of Kathryn's hands and stood up. "I'm not staying here to listen to this self pity, Kathryn. You know you deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. You're still depressed and that's what's talking here. Now, just tell me you want to fight this and that you'll let me help. We'll take everything else from there." 

Kathryn stared up at her. "You're angry with me." 

Elizabeth shook her head. "No, Kathryn. I'm just not going to let you wallow in this." She softened. "Look, you talked recently about memories and dreams. Do you remember that?" 

Kathryn smiled slightly. "You really heard everything I said." Elizabeth just nodded. Kathryn played with the tie of her robe. "You're going to tell me I can still have my dreams and turn them into reality." 

Elizabeth sat down in the chair she'd occupied earlier. "Yes. I really believe that. You can turn your memories into dreams, and then go and live those dreams. Turn them into reality." 

Kathryn studied her. "You're so sure of that. You forget the pain involved in those memories." 

Elizabeth sat back. "The pain is what happened, Kathryn. You can recover from that. With you, it's the hope that died. Not the dreams. You can, however, rekindle that hope. You just have to want to." She sat forward. "Kathryn, memories are many things. They're joy and pain, happy and sad. For you they're not happy. For you your memories are broken dreams. Well, the power of dreams is hope…and only you can dream new dreams." She smiled softly. "Kathryn, I heard everything you said to Chakotay during his visits, especially the last ones. What I don't think you realize is that you've already begun your own therapy, started your own healing with the understanding you have of all this. You left here and could easily have taken a different way out. You didn't. Doesn't that tell you something? Doesn't that tell you that you still have some of that hope?" 

Kathryn mulled that over in her mind for several minutes. "Maybe. I don't know. I think I'm just very confused about it all. I'm even confused about Chakotay." 

Elizabeth sat back again. "I've suspected for some time that you still have strong feelings for him. Am I right?" 

Kathryn shrugged. "I suppose so. I guess I still love him. I can't just turn that off. I don't think I like him though. I just know that I can't even try this with him around." 

Elizabeth nodded at that. "I agree. This is just about you." 

Kathryn sighed. "I'm still not sure I'm ready to revisit all that or deal with it." She looked sadly at the other woman. "That makes me sound very weak, doesn't it?" 

Elizabeth shook her head firmly. "Kathryn, listen to me now. Just because you tried to end your life doesn't make you weak. You're just like everyone else. We all have limits and at times we have to admit defeat. It's human, Kathryn, and I've news for you. You're as human as the rest of us. We can all fall and even the strongest of us break, but getting back up as you are…well, that's where the strength comes in." She dropped her head to the side and smiled at her patient. "You know, Chakotay said to me that he feels it was a miracle you made it back after what he did to you. I told him it showed how much strength you had to carry your burdens and responsibilities to the end, and you did it mostly on your own while dealing with all that pain. That's strength, Kathryn." 

Kathryn sighed heavily. "That was back then. I was carrying on for them. Now it's just me. I'm not sure I can be strong enough to do this." 

Elizabeth stood and smiled down at her patient. "I believe you can. No, I know without a doubt that you can. You know, that's the reason God made time to pass one day at a time." 

Kathryn smiled, despite herself. "One day at a time then." 

Elizabeth walked towards the door. "Have some dinner, Kathryn. Get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow will be your first day on the road back." 


	8. Chapter 8

**TWO MONTHS LATER**

B'Elanna sat beside Chakotay sipping the lemonade she'd made, and watched her husband play with the children. Miral toddled around, while Rose lay in her rocker, a deep frown on her face as if she disapproved of their raucous behaviour.

B'Elanna turned to watch her old friend, his eyes on his daughter as she kicked her legs. "Have you heard anything from Kathryn or Elizabeth?"

Her question jolted him back from his reverie. He shook his head sadly. "No. I've contacted Elizabeth a few times. I knew she wouldn't contact me. All she'll tell me is that Kathryn is doing well." He shrugged. "I think she feels she's broken enough doctor/patient confidentiality to last her a lifetime."

B'Elanna watched him closely. "You really miss going to the clinic, don't you?"

He looked back towards Rose. "Kathryn didn't want me visiting her anymore. Elizabeth felt it was for the best too."

B'Elanna shook her head. "That wasn't what I asked." She sighed. "You miss her." She already knew the answer.

Chakotay looked back at her. "Yeah…I do. I'd gotten very used to her being a part of my life again…seeing her almost every day. It's been hard staying away. I'm not sure if I'm shocked at how much I miss her or not."

B'Elanna nodded. "She's been a very big part of your life. You can't just close the door on that."

Chakotay rubbed at his face. "You'd think so, wouldn't you? Yet look what I did. No wonder she didn't want me near her once she was thinking clearly again."

B'Elanna smiled kindly. "I'm sure Kathryn will get in touch when she's better…when she's ready."

Chakotay looked doubtful. "I'm not so sure. I burnt my bridges there. If I was in her shoes I'd stay well away from me. I hurt her too badly…behaved disgracefully…and been the worst kind of coward. I'll always have to live with the shame of that. She's every right to hate me."

B'Elanna smiled knowingly. "Oh, I don't believe she hates you, Chakotay. Yes, she was hurt…deeply hurt…but only someone we love or care about can hurt us that much. If she didn't care, it wouldn't still hurt."

Chakotay just shook his head. "She probably hasn't given me a second thought. Besides, she loved me then…not now. The hurt will always overshadow that. It's stronger."

B'Elanna shook her head also. "You've been a part of each other for too long. That never goes away. And I think love is stronger and always will be."

Chakotay sat back. "Maybe…but betrayal is pretty strong too…and I betrayed her in the worst possible way."

B'Elanna couldn't deny that. "Just give her time, Chakotay. When she's feeling better, I'm sure she'll call you."

Chakotay smiled his thanks. "Maybe. The thought of never seeing her again hurts like hell. Thanks for your confidence anyway. You'll excuse me if I don't share it."

* * *

Over the next month, Chakotay threw himself into his work. He spent his days at Starfleet Academy and his nights with his daughter at home. His social life was non-existent. Weekends found him taking Rose to a park or playground, or over to Tom and B'Elanna's. Miral adored her little playmate, even though she sometimes got frustrated when Rose couldn't participate in the games she wanted to play.

While his days were full and he worked hard to keep his mind occupied, his evenings were lonely once Rose went to bed. Most nights he found the hours stretching out before him, nothing to distract his mind from Kathryn. He thought of her more and more as time passed, and found he missed her badly. With that acknowledged, he began to realize that he still loved her.

* * *

The following weekend, Chakotay found himself alone, his friends spending some time with Tom's parents. He glanced into Rose's playpen in the shade of the porch and smiled to himself at the strange positions the child slept in. He reached in and felt her leg, satisfying himself that she was warm enough in the late summer afternoon air.

He sighed heavily as he turned back to the porch table, determined to finish the student assessments he was working on for the coming term. He stopped dead and stared, feeling his heart pounding as his eyes fell on the woman standing at the bottom of the porch steps.

He swallowed, his throat suddenly dry, and forced his voice to work. "Kathryn…"

She came close to a smile. "I'm sorry I didn't call first. I took a chance that you might be home.

Chakotay mentally shook himself and stepped forward. "Sorry. It's…I'm just surprised… I mean…" He waved his hand to the table and chairs. "Please. Sit down. Can I get you something?"

Kathryn studied him for a moment before taking the three steps up onto the porch that surrounded the house. She looked towards Rose in her playpen. "I'm not disturbing you, am I? I don't want to wake her."

Chakotay shook his head. "You're not disturbing us…and she'll sleep until SHE'S ready to wake up. She can sleep through anything…during the day anyway. Nights can be fun at times."

Kathryn moved closer to the sleeping child. "A little owl, is she?" She stared down at the little girl who lay on her back, her arms and legs thrown carelessly in all directions. "She's really grown."

Chakotay didn't miss the look of pain that crossed her face. She covered it quickly though and moved to the table, but didn't sit. Instead she stared out over the garden. He watched her for a moment. "You look good, Kathryn, really good."

She smiled softly and turned back to look at him. "I feel a lot better."

He nodded slowly. "It's really good to see you." She just smiled at that, but said nothing. Chakotay shifted his weight from one foot to the other as another silence descended on them. He moved a little closer. "Sorry. I don't know what to say. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. I did the wrong thing for so long."

Kathryn sighed as she watched him. "I've learned that I can't live in the past…only concentrate on the present and the future."

Chakotay shook his head. "That's not easy."

Kathryn laughed, the first time he'd heard the sound in years. He realized how much he'd missed it. "I didn't say it was easy. I said I'd learned to do it." She wandered over to a bird feeder which hung from the overhang of the porch and examined it.

Chakotay watched her closely. She'd gained back some weight and let her hair grow out. She had it pulled back from her face in a loose tie. "I wanted to come and see you."

She nodded slowly. "Thank you for respecting my wishes." She looked back at him, her expression sad. "I wasn't trying to hurt you…just heal myself."

Chakotay nodded his understanding. "And did you? Heal yourself, I mean."

Kathryn smiled softly and shrugged. "The prognosis is good. I'm getting there."

He nodded and waved his hand, indicating the garden and porch. "And this…coming here?"

She moved a little closer to him. "Yes…that's a part of it."

Chakotay sighed heavily. "Seeing me is a test?"

Kathryn stopped and looked at him. "Yes, in a way. As I said, that's part of it. I'll be honest with you about that. I'm sorry for how it sounds."

He waved her concern away. "And?"

Instead of answering, Kathryn sat down at the table. She took a moment and then looked up at him. "Answer me this." He nodded and sat also. "For so long you hated me…" She held her hand up when he went to object, silently asking his permission to finish. He barely nodded. "You believed you hated me. Let's put it that way. Yet you came to see me when Elizabeth came to you. Why?"

He shook his head and held her eyes. "I'll be honest too. I didn't agree at first. I talked to the Doc and he told me everything…confirmed what Elizabeth Fulton had said. I even talked to Tom and B'Elanna. I also did a lot of soul searching, forcing my mind back. I hadn't always seen what was in front of my eyes back then." He sighed. "Anyway, I searched my heart and I looked through that old image album…" He smiled sadly. "There was a last image there, taken of us on our last shore leave." He looked at Kathryn and saw by her face that she remembered him mentioning it. "I know now that Louise put it there for me to see. She knew I'd look at that album again someday and that I'd find that image…" His voice trailed off for a moment. He shrugged. "It helped clear my thoughts…told me what I'd refused to see. So…in the end, I went because I wanted and needed to, although I was nervous. I also felt I owed you."

Kathryn sighed and leaned back in her chair, studying him. "What did you feel when you first saw me again?"

Chakotay blew out a long breath. "At first…shock…and pity. The hate I thought I'd feel wasn't there. I expected it to drown me when I saw you again, but it wasn't there. I wonder now if it ever was. Later on…I continued to come because I cared and wanted to…although a lot of my feelings were still unresolved. I didn't know if I continued to go because of guilt, pity or because I still had feelings for you." His eyes pleaded for understanding.

Kathryn nodded slowly. "I needed to know that. Thank you for your honesty."

Chakotay shrugged. "I owe you a hell of a lot more than just my honestly, Kathryn."

Kathryn looked up at him. "We do need to talk. I do anyway. I hope that's all right."

Chakotay managed a small smile. "I'd like that. Thank you for giving me the chance. There's so much I want to say to you…and even though I said some things at the clinic, I didn't feel right about it…or feel I'd said what I needed to say or in the right way…"

His head snapped around towards Rose as she whimpered in her sleep and turned over. Seeing her settling again, he smiled to himself and turned back to Kathryn, just as a thought struck him. "Kathryn, I'm sorry. Would you prefer to… I mean, are you all right with her here?"

She smiled softly. "I'm fine, Chakotay. I wouldn't have called at your home if I had a problem."

He accepted that hesitantly. "Just say if… We can always…" Something in her face stopped him. "OK. I'm sorry. You'll say."

Kathryn barely nodded. "Yes, I will." She twisted her fingers together, more for something to do than in nervousness. "My time there…when you were there…seems very strange to me now." She glanced up at him. "I remember you bringing her, you know." She glanced over at the playpen. "I have these extremely vague images of her there…in my lap…hearing her name… I remember how I was afterwards too. Well, it was like a dream…a bit foggy…but I do remember." She licked at her lips and drew in a hesitant breath.

"I wasn't thinking too straight back then. At one time, I actually…" She looked down at her hands. "I thought you were punishing me for killing our son, showing me what you could achieve without me." She looked up and saw the horror on his face and leaned forward quickly. "I'm sorry. I know that wasn't the case. My mind was just… I know now how wrong that was. I just couldn't see any other reason for you being there…couldn't believe I'd matter to you. I thought you hated me. I'm sorry. I just want and need to be totally honest with you. Forgive me."

Chakotay tried to shut off the pain her confession caused him and shook his head. "It's OK. I do understand. You'd every right to believe that with my track record."

Kathryn's eyes showed her apology. "I'm sorry. I really am. I know that wasn't the case and I also know that it wasn't your idea to bring her there. Elizabeth filled me in on that one."

Chakotay sat forward. "She would have used another baby. I got to trust her though. She knew what she was doing."

Kathryn laughed at that, easing the tension. "Oh, she knew, all right."

Chakotay didn't join her laughter. "Was it hard?"

Kathryn sobered and nodded. "Yes, it was. It was hard work…painful work. She stripped me back to the bare bones emotionally. It was like being totally naked, and each piece of clothing I put on had to be examined first…each piece faced and dealt with…acknowledged. Only then could I move on." She sighed deeply. "I had to walk a lonely road. It was a solitary journey." She shook her head slowly. "Even with Elizabeth there, it was lonely. In one way she was with me, but she was still just a bystander, a witness, observing me. I was still making the journey alone and she was just someone within communications range. Do you know what I mean?"

Chakotay nodded sadly. "I wish I could have been there to help you."

Kathryn shook her head. "You couldn't." She leaned forward slightly. "Chakotay, we're like mirrors, you and I. We reflect off each other, despite what happened. Had you stayed with me for my therapy…" She sighed again. "In one way you'd have helped. We'd perhaps have helped each other, because the positive…the good between us would have bounced and reflected back off each other. Unfortunately, so would the negative and the bad."

Her words hurt, but Chakotay knew she was right. "I'm sorry. You're right. It was probably easier without me there."

Kathryn smiled sadly and shook her head at that. "It was anything but easy. I'd feel better and think the worst was over, only to find myself at rock bottom again the next day. I had severe mood swings too. I don't know how Elizabeth put up with me. She really bore the brunt of it all. She deserves a medal." She sighed and suddenly gestured towards a jug of lemonade. "May I?"

Chakotay snapped to attention and reached for a glass. "Of course. I'm sorry. I should have offered you some immediately. I'm sorry."

Kathryn swatted his hands away and poured herself a glass, then one for him. "You did offer. Relax. I probably shocked the living daylights out of you just turning up like this. Stop apologizing." She sat back and sipped at the cool liquid. "This is good."

Chakotay just played with his own glass. "I could live to be a thousand and I wouldn't be able to stop apologizing to you. If I said sorry every minute, on the minute, for the rest of my life, it still wouldn't be enough."

Kathryn blew out a breath. "Chakotay, that's the past. I can only think about the present and future now. I have my own sins to deal with. I don't need you talking like this."

He stared at her. "What sins? Kathryn, you did nothing wrong. I was the one who…"

She sighed and shook her head angrily. "It's not about that, Chakotay. It's about me…other things in my life." She took another drink. "It was about me…how I coped or didn't…how I reached the stage where I didn't want to go on…didn't want to live anymore. Not once, but twice." She ignored the hurt she saw her words inflict. "Yes, a lot happened to me. I was hurt badly…by losing the baby and by you. But I should have dealt with that. Instead I let the pain swallow me. I took it." Her eyes bored into his.

"In a way how you dealt with it was healthier. I bottled it all up and just became this robot with a single program or command…to get you all home. So when that was achieved, there was nothing left. I had a career waiting for me and I had friends. I could have re-built my life. Instead I let depression take over and it crowded in on me…like the walls closing in…narrowing my view of the way ahead by the day, until I could see nothing but black. I let that happen."

Chakotay shook his head. "I caused it. I was the root cause."

Kathryn sighed in exasperation. "You're not hearing me, Chakotay. OK…let's say you'd been killed out there. It would still have been pain and I'd have reacted the same way. The end result would have been the same. Anything bad or painful in my personal life, and I let those walls close in on me instead of pushing them back. Had I learned to do that before or known how to, I'd have survived it all much better. I should have learned it from when Daddy and Justin were killed, but I didn't. Instead I took to my bed in a deep depression. It took my sister to bring me out of that." She sighed again. "So the main problem for me wasn't what you did, but how I dealt with it. It could have been something else."

Chakotay wasn't taking that. "It still doesn't address what I did to you."

Kathryn smiled sadly. "No, it doesn't…but I can't waste my time blaming you or hating you for that. I have to accept what you did…try to understand it and deal with it. Then I have to put it away and leave it in the past. I need to go forward and try to rebuild a life for myself. I can't ever let myself go back to that place where I saw no other way out than to end it all."

Chakotay closed his eyes at the thought. "Thank God you failed."

Kathryn showed little emotion. "I felt nothing for myself at that stage. I'd spent so long internalizing my pain and then I even shut that off. I was a ticking time bomb, according to Elizabeth. Without knowing it, I'd set in motion my own downfall and destruction. I set the bomb." She stared down at her glass. "In the end, I couldn't stand it…the boredom and the loneliness of it all…so empty. I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt nothing. It got harder and harder to go on. I just couldn't pretend anymore. I wanted out."

She swirled the liquid in her glass. "I'd been building up, stockpiling everything for so long that in the end the fuse practically lit itself. I checked into a hotel…" She looked up briefly. "Do you know about this?"

Chakotay only managed to nod, not trusting himself to speak.

Kathryn barely nodded and looked back at her glass. "I checked into the hotel and…" She shrugged. "I had easy access to painkillers… Anyway, I took what I had. Didn't even leave a note. I just didn't care about anything. When I woke up in the hospital, I learned about the fire and rescue." She took a long drink.

"Elizabeth came to see me. Standard procedure. I told her what she wanted to hear. She wasn't entirely convinced, but I think she was over-ruled and they released me." She smiled sadly. "Nothing had changed with how I felt though…or rather didn't feel. I was just more determined to get it right. I took off into the wilderness, thinking no one would be around to save me this time."

She shook her head. "It was cold. I know that. The river was swollen and I stood there for some time just staring into the swirling and rushing water, hypnotized by it. It seemed to draw me in and I just jumped." She sighed again. "I was tossed around for a minute and I panicked when I felt pain. I'd hit a rock, I think. I actually tried to fight for a moment and then I just gave up and let it take me. I remember my head hitting a boulder or something." She looked up at him. "I woke up at the hospital knowing I'd failed again. And later on, they moved me to the clinic but I don't really remember that."

Chakotay felt close to tears. He had a sudden impulse to just pull her into his arms but knew he didn't have that right anymore. "I don't know what to say, Kathryn. It tears me apart to think of you like that. I just wish I had the right words."

Kathryn blew out a long breath and shook her head. "It's past, Chakotay. There are no right words. There's only what's now and what's to come."

Her words made sense, but only in his head. "I can't let it go like that." He sighed. "These months… I've been thinking of you a lot. You've never left my thoughts. No matter what I thought I felt before…love or hate…you were always there."

Kathryn merely nodded. "I know you called Elizabeth several times to ask about me."

He nodded. "All she'd tell me is that you were doing well."

Kathryn smiled at that. "I'm surprised you even got that. She's still feeling guilty for what she did. She denies it because it worked, but she knows it was wrong. We agreed to let it drop and move on."

Chakotay fell back in his chair. "I can't do that. What I did to you will haunt me forever."

Kathryn watched him. "You have to leave it, Chakotay. It's the past. We can't change it."

H shook his head. "Maybe not. I can't forget it though."

Kathryn leaned back also. "It was a hard time for both of us. I remember every detail, but I refuse to let it drown me again."

Chakotay sat forward. "That day…the way I…"

Kathryn sat forward also. "I have my own guilt, Chakotay." She sighed and looked off into the distance. "I should never have gone on that away mission…should have listened to you all." She shook her head as if to break free of that thought. "That day in sickbay… I knew the damage I'd caused to us the minute I opened my eyes and you weren't there. You'd always been there when I woke up. When you did come, I couldn't look at you." She looked at him now. "I couldn't look at you because I couldn't stand to see the pain I'd caused you. I couldn't even speak. I must have come across as so uncaring, but my own pain was all I felt…inside me." She placed her hand over her heart. "I longed for the physical pain again…something that would drown the agony I felt inside me."

She shook her head again. "The pain crippled us both, Chakotay." She sighed. "I heard you question the Doctor, but I could say nothing at that moment."

Chakotay nodded his understanding. "I can't explain it…can't excuse it either. I just hurt so much. I was afraid to let you in. I felt in some way that it would increase the pain I felt. Somehow, my pain and hurt turned to anger…and that anger turned to bitterness. It covered the pain and helped me cope. I hung onto it rather than feel that pain again." He sighed and spread his hands on the table. "I betrayed you in the worst possible way and you can never forgive that." He watched her face carefully but couldn't read her.

"I disguised my own pain as hate for you, anger at you. The bitterness built and it was harder and harder to let it go. It became ingrained in me. Apparently being a man, I felt I couldn't openly grieve either. That was Elizabeth's tentative theory anyway. I don't know. I don't think I was able to let it out either way, so instead it became anger." He looked away now. "You and the baby were my dream and when everything happened, I felt cheated. I saw my dream being pulled away from me. I didn't see that most of my dream was still there." He looked back at her. "Elizabeth said that I was blinded to your pain by my own, but that's no excuse as I see it." He shook his head. "Later, when I first saw you at the clinic, I still had many of those feelings but by then guilt was there too. It was there in abundance and still is. It took over everything else."

He leaned forward. "Look, I don't have any excuses for how I acted. I think back now and I disgust myself, but at the time I'd no idea or I didn't let myself think about it. I was selfish and only thought of my own pain. I can lie to myself and say it was pain and hurt…grief…but you had those too. As I said, I felt cheated and instead of feeling cheated by life, I wanted and needed someone to blame."

Kathryn looked down at her hands. "We often hit out at those closest to us. Many relationships don't survive the death of a child."

Chakotay rubbed a hand across his face. "It's still no excuse for how I behaved. I don't know or like the man I was back then. I don't know where he came from, and I'm terrified he's still in there somewhere or could come out again."

Kathryn dropped her hands into her lap. "I'll be honest with you, Chakotay, and tell you that I'm torn. Part of me…mostly the greater part…doesn't blame you for how you acted. I actually understand it. You used anger…anger and hate to try and block out the pain…to bury it." She tried to laugh, but failed. "You turned it outwards. I turned it inward." She shrugged softly.

"Another part of me is angry at you though. I felt so let down by you. I needed you…needed your support. Instead, I blamed myself. I think I even needed you to tell me you blamed me…but there was nothing there from you. You became a stone wall. Had you screamed at me…hit me…it would have been better than walking away…ignoring me and shutting me off the way you did."

She again ignored the pain she saw she was causing, knowing she needed to tell him all this. "I felt so alone…abandoned by you. Days and weeks alone in my quarters…what had been our quarters, and it felt so empty. What should have been a home for three, became a prison for one. It hurt so much, but despite what you might think or believe, not as much as losing the baby. Nothing can ever hurt me the way that did."

Her words broke a dam with Chakotay. He stood quickly and walked over to Rose's playpen, his back to Kathryn. Following her instinct, she left him to his emotions, feeling she no longer had the right to step over that line.

His voice, sounding hoarse, broke the silence. "You should hate me, Kathryn. I don't understand how you can sit there like this and not want to phaser me. I was so weak…an excuse for a man." He turned back to face her, his eyes filled with tears.

Kathryn looked at him sadly. "I've never hated you, Chakotay. I've been angry at you, yes. I've been angry beyond description. I've wanted to scream at you and shake you, even smack you in the face." She smiled sadly. "I think I did scream at you when you visited me at the clinic. In fact, I remember smacking you too."

Chakotay walked back to the table slowly. He looked down at her and shook his head. "I never even thanked you…"

Kathryn frowned up at him. "Thank me?"

He nodded and traced a finger around the top of his glass. "For what you did for him…for Caylem…our son. You gave him a name…a place to rest. You were there for him when I wasn't. Thank you for that."

Kathryn swallowed softly and looked down at her hands. Her voice was quiet. "I didn't do it for you, Chakotay, or for me. I did it for him."

Chakotay stared down at his glass and nodded. "I failed him. I failed you." He jumped when Kathryn's hand touched his.

"Sit down, Chakotay." He barely nodded and sat. Kathryn looked across at him. "Look, I can only speak for myself. I've been through the past months with Elizabeth and I came out of it with one main truth. You can't live in the past and you can't change it. It's gone. I won't ever forget Caylem, but I will shut off the rest. His memory is the only one I allow from then to come into the now. I acknowledge what happened and what we went through, but to face the future, I can't let that past in."

Chakotay nodded slowly. "What about that future, Kathryn?"

She shrugged. "I don't know yet. I'm just taking this day by day. I want to work again…need to. And I want to re-connect with the people in my life." She smiled softly. "I called to see our Doctor yesterday. He's well. He gave me your address."

Chakotay watched her face closely. "He told me everything. What would have happened…and about the surgery…"

Kathryn shook her head firmly. "I know. We talked about that and also about the surgery to have another child. He told me all that just after we got home. I don't ever want that though. Firstly, because I still don't feel I deserve it, although I am working to get past that, and secondly… I couldn't go through that again. I couldn't ever take the risk of losing another baby. I couldn't stand that pain again."

Chakotay played with his hands for several moments, unable to speak. Finally he gained control and looked up at Kathryn. "I didn't think I could either…and then…" He sighed. "We weren't actually trying for Rose. She just…"

Kathryn smiled. "She was meant to be, Chakotay. Just see it like that." She dropped her head to the side. "I saw her, you know. Louise. The last day or so on Voyager. I saw her in the corridor."

Chakotay nodded. "I know. She told B'Elanna about it and B'Elanna told me."

Kathryn nodded at that. "I never blamed her, Chakotay. I never held anything against her. I only wanted the best for you both. I was so sorry to hear about her dying. She was a lovely woman."

Chakotay cleared his throat. "She was…but she deserved better than me. I loved her, but…" He drew in a shaky breath and held Kathryn's eyes. "It wasn't the same way I loved you." Kathryn said nothing and waited for him to continue. He shrugged. "She knew that, despite what I said and believed at the time. She saw what I didn't, couldn't or wouldn't, knew that I didn't love her that way…and she accepted it. What she couldn't accept was the way I treated you afterwards. She didn't judge me, but she didn't approve either. She'll always be very special to me though. She was Rose's mother…is Rose's mother."

Kathryn nodded her understanding at that. "And she always will be." She sighed sadly and looked down at her glass. "I was there, you know…" She looked up and met his puzzled expression. "At the funeral, I mean…"

Chakotay stared at her in disbelief. "I didn't see you…and no one said…"

She shrugged slightly. "I stayed well hidden…made sure no one saw me." She looked at him sadly. "She was a member of my crew. I had to be there. I felt you wouldn't want me to attend so I stayed well back. I went to the grave when everyone was gone…put some flowers there."

Chakotay looked away, feeling pain and shame. "You were there for me and I wasn't there for you…"

Kathryn waited until he looked back at her and shook her head. "I was there for her as her captain, Chakotay. Just leave it at that."

They both looked towards the playpen as Rose cried out, awake now and hearing her father's voice. Chakotay looked nervously towards Kathryn. "I need to…"

Kathryn's eyes were focused on the playpen. "Is she hungry?" She glanced at Chakotay and saw him nod.

He watched her carefully and saw a brief battle take place in her eyes. It disappeared quickly as she pushed her chair back and stood. "I can hold her while you get her feed." She looked down at Chakotay and saw his worried expression. "I'm fine…before you ask."

Chakotay smiled softly and accepted her words. He nodded and stood also. "All right. I'll just get her dinner. You can bring her into the kitchen when you're ready." He moved towards the patio door and glanced back before entering.

Kathryn held the little girl in her arms now and smiled down at her. Chakotay watched her trace her fingers over the small features as she whispered softly to the child. Rose for her part had grown quiet and was staring up at this new person with no sign of any upset.

Chakotay watched the scene with a deep sadness until Kathryn looked towards him and caught him. "Is her dinner not ready yet?" She was pulling him back to the present and he smiled at the gesture.

He nodded his head. "Coming right up."


	9. Chapter 9

The next two hours were surreal for Chakotay. He stood back as Kathryn fed his daughter and played with her afterwards, even changing the little girl. 

Chakotay laughed as he watched her. "Umm Kathryn, are you sure about this? What comes out is very different from what goes in." 

Kathryn laughed as she worked. "I have actually done this before, you know." She smiled up at him. "It was a long time ago, but I still remember the details. Besides, I'd die of shame if I could pilot a space ship and not change a diaper." 

Chakotay watched her in amazement as she took things in hand and finished her task with amazing ease. She tossed the rolled up, soiled diaper at him. "Here. You can dispose of that." 

Chakotay fumbled for a moment before catching the offending item. "Thanks. Just what I always wanted." 

* * *

To Chakotay's amazement, Kathryn stayed into the evening, even helping him put his daughter to bed. As he turned on the mobile she stood back, hovering in the doorway. 

Chakotay settled his daughter and whispered quietly to her until she fell asleep. He turned to Kathryn, a smile on his face, and stopped short. She was gone. 

Satisfying himself that Rose was settled for the night, he turned on the baby monitor and crept back downstairs. He looked around the house and finally saw Kathryn back on the porch staring out over the garden. 

Not wanting to intrude too much, he made a little noise and walked out to join her, sitting the monitor on the table so he could hear if Rose woke up. "Kathryn? Are you all right?" 

She jumped, telling him that she hadn't heard his approach despite his best intentions. She turned away quickly and wiped at her face. "I'm sorry. Forgive me for a moment of weakness." 

He moved closer so that he could see her face. "This was too much. I shouldn't have…" 

She spun around to face him, her eyes showing the evidence of her tears. "Chakotay, I decided to stay. You offered me an out, but I wanted to do this." 

He nodded slowly as he leaned against the rail. "More of your test?" 

She looked a little hurt at that. "No…not really. It was a spur of the moment thing. I just wanted to…" She shook her head and looked back out over the garden. "I wanted to see if I could be around her…around a baby. I'm sorry if that sounds…" She looked back at him. "She's adorable, Chakotay. She invites it. It's hard to resist her. Besides, I can't avoid children in my life. They're everywhere I look. And I was fine…except for that moment upstairs." 

Chakotay nodded sadly. "Was it her, or me being with her?" 

Kathryn blew out a breath. "You're perceptive, Chakotay. Very well spotted." She looked down at her hands and stroked the rail. "I'll be honest. Seeing you with her like that…" She swallowed loudly. 

Chakotay moved a little closer. "It should have been us with our son." 

She looked up at him, her eyes brimming with tears, and nodded. "I'm sorry." 

He reached out and laid a gentle hand on her arm. "You've nothing to be sorry about, Kathryn." He didn't know what else to say. He cursed his inability to say the right thing. 

Kathryn broke the awkward moment. She wiped at her face again and managed a small smile. "Any chance of a coffee?" 

Chakotay smiled, grateful to be on safer ground. "One coffee coming up. Do you want to sit inside or stay out here? Either is fine." 

Kathryn looked around and caught sight of the monitor. "You can hear her out here if she wakes?" He nodded. "Outside then, if that's alright. It's such a lovely evening." She frowned then. "Am I overstaying my welcome? I don't want to intrude or keep you from anything. I had some nerve just turning up here like this." 

Chakotay squeezed her arm. "You're fine. Stay as long as you want." 

She nodded her thanks to that. "I just have so much I need to say and… If that's all right." 

He knew they both needed to talk all this out. "I'll just get that coffee. Make yourself comfortable." 

* * *

The next half hour was filled with small talk, both of them easing towards what needed to be said. Kathryn drained her second cup of coffee. "I'll go and see Tom and B'Elanna later in the week. I wasn't exactly my old charming self the last time I spoke with them." 

Chakotay leaned back in his chair. "They're your friends, Kathryn. They understand." 

She nodded at that and played with her empty cup. "Still though…" 

Chakotay watched her for a few moments, unsure of how direct to be. Finally he decided that she'd prefer his honestly. Kathryn beat him to it though. 

"Chakotay, please just be yourself with me. If you want to say something, just say it." 

He looked embarrassed for a moment at seemingly having his thoughts read. "It's not easy." 

Kathryn simply shrugged. "These things never are, but you have to get past them." She sat forward, continuing to look at him. "I've worked through so much of this already. I think I just find it easier to talk now." She sighed and leaned back again. 

"I dealt with my demons and I drew a line under them. I can talk about it all now without the emotional shuddering or attachment I had before. That may sound cold, but it's the way I have to deal with it. I refuse to let it take over my present and future. You need to do the same." She sighed. "Something I learned is that we are what we are not by what happens to us, but by how we deal with the cards we're dealt in this life. We're shaped by those events and how we handle them." 

Chakotay slumped in his chair. "That's the problem for me…how I handled it and dealt with it." 

Kathryn nodded her understanding to that. "That's something else I learned. Your reaction isn't completely uncommon in men. Elizabeth was right about that. You find it harder to show your emotions." She looked at him sadly. "It was totally uncharacteristic for you though." She shook her head and leaned a little closer to him. "Chakotay, your pain found only one release or outlet. You coped the only way you could, even if that meant hurting the one you loved. For you it was external. For me, internal." 

Chakotay's face showed his pain. "Don't make excuses for me, Kathryn." 

Her voice grew a little hard as she stared at him. "I'm not making excuses for you. I'm giving you reasons." 

Chakotay sighed heavily. "To me that means the same thing." He stood quickly and walked to the rail, looking out over the garden, the light growing dim now. "I always wanted and swore to protect you and the baby. And I did at first. I always wanted to protect you…and yet in the end, I was the one who hurt you the most." He looked back at her, his face a mask of pain. "Who was there to protect you from me?" 

His question hung in the air for a moment before he turned to look back out over the garden. "I so want to just beg for your forgiveness and yet I don't want to know your answer to that. It's way too soon anyway. You see, I think I'm afraid that you might and…" He stopped and looked back at her. "What I mean is…" He forced his words out, needing to be completely open with her. "I don't know if your forgiving me would make me happy or make me feel even worse…more guilty." 

Kathryn watched him and stood also, moving towards him. "What right have I or anyone else to judge you? You made a mistake, acted irrationally perhaps, yet pain can make us all do irrational things and act that way. It makes us do things we deeply regret later on because we're blinded by that pain. We're all capable of that. Wars have been fought because of these things…murders committed. You repressed a lot of your emotions with anger. It was always going to come back to you though…come back at you. I couldn't do that at the time and I buried it all." She sighed heavily. "Looking at it now all this time later, neither of us coped with the situation in the way we expected of ourselves…or in the way we should have. I certainly never thought I'd hit so low…" 

Chakotay blew out a long breath. "I think I hit lower…" 

Kathryn shook her head. "It wasn't a competition." She sighed. "Let your guilt go, Chakotay. It'll destroy you and I don't need it. It'll eat you up like it did me." 

He shook his head. "I just can't understand why you don't hate me…how you can even talk to me or look at me. How can you be so forgiving?" 

Kathryn closed her eyes a moment and blew out a long breath. She shook her head as she looked at him again. "Look, all this happened. We can't change it, but memories aside, which will always be there, it's over. The loss… It's still there but with distance and time, the pain of that loss lessens. We never forget but it doesn't hurt quite as much. It isn't as raw. You learn to see beyond it. We need to go forward now in order to heal. We need to find a happy future, and dragging a load from the past behind us isn't going to make that happen. It's not the way to move forward." She shrugged. "So we deal with it and take the good memories from the past and leave the rest behind." She leaned back and studied him. "Do you feel you need punishment or something?" 

Chakotay sighed. "Yes, I think I do." 

Kathryn leaned towards him, her voice soft. "Tell me this. You say you regret how you acted…hate yourself for it…feel guilt and all of that." 

Chakotay held her eyes. "Yes, I do." 

Kathryn barely nodded. "Well, don't you think your own conscience is punishing you enough then…more than I ever could?" 

Chakotay almost wanted to laugh. "Fine words, Kathryn, but…" 

Kathryn leaned into him, stopping his words. "But what?" 

Chakotay just shrugged, not having an answer. 

Kathryn stared at him for a moment. Suddenly she drew her hand back and smacked him hard across the face. "There. Does that help?" 

Chakotay's head snapped back and he saw stars. He stared at her in shock for a moment then saw her face play with a smile. She bit her lip in an effort to control it and brought her hand to her mouth. "I'm sorry, but…" 

Her struggle with laughter infected Chakotay, and before he knew what was happening they both burst out laughing. They laughed for several minutes before finally gaining control. Chakotay reached up to his face and rubbed at it. He made a show of testing his jaw. "God, you pack some power in that hand." He suddenly sobered, somehow feeling that joking wasn't right despite their laughter. He looked at her sadly. "I'm sorry. Joking doesn't seem right." 

Kathryn grew serious too. "Oh Chakotay, never apologize for laughing. Elizabeth and I laughed a lot during my therapy. We still do. She believes laughter is a great healer…and so do I." She schooled her face into a semi-serious expression. "I'm sorry for hitting you though…even if you asked for it. You're so set on this idea of needing punishment." She blew out a breath. "Actually, that's the second time I've smacked you in the face." 

Chakotay moved away a little and feigned terror. "Just in case you decide to test the theory that things happen in threes." They laughed together again but this time it was more comfortable. 

* * *

Chakotay lit a lantern as Kathryn sat back and watched him. "That's better. Sorry I don't have proper lighting out here. I'm still working on the house." 

Kathryn nodded as she studied the flickering of the flame. "I didn't notice how dark it was getting." 

Chakotay sat down in the chair beside her. "More coffee? Or would you prefer some wine?" 

Kathryn smiled. "Nothing, thanks. I'm still taking some medications and wine wouldn't exactly agree with them." 

Chakotay studied her. "You've been through so much…" He let his voice trail off, guilt filling him again. He jumped when he felt Kathryn's soft hand on his arm. He realized how much he'd missed her touch. 

Kathryn smiled softly at him. "So have you." 

He just shook his head. "Not the way you have." He studied her a moment. "What was it like?" He shocked himself with his question. 

Kathryn frowned. "When?" 

Having voiced his question, he continued. "In the clinic…when…" 

Kathryn looked away and watched a moth flit around the lantern. "When I was 'not there'?" She looked at him and saw him nod. She looked back to the moth's dance and sighed. 

"I withdrew. It wasn't a conscious decision to do that. Not really. It just somehow happened, although I didn't fight it. In fact, I welcomed it, so maybe it really was my own doing." 

She withdrew her hand from his arm and laced her fingers together, then sat back. Her eyes still followed the moth though, joined now by a mate. "I remember waking up at the hospital, realizing I'd failed once more, and I didn't want to face the life I had again. I pulled back…tried to block everything out. Once I started on that road, they moved me to the clinic. When I was there… It was like walking into a dark room and shutting the door behind me, closing off the light…then lying down and sleeping." 

She looked around at him. "Seeing Rose…hearing her… It was as if I was seeing and hearing through a thick fog…and then snatches of things until… It was like all these blank spaces being filled in, and part of me wanted to stop it happening." She sighed heavily. "But there was always someone there…you, Tom, B'Elanna, Elizabeth, the nurses…keeping me there. For a time, I hated you all so much for that." 

Chakotay smiled sadly. "You damned us all." 

Kathryn shook her head sadly. "I remember. I felt like a prisoner in my own reality and you were all my jailors. All I wanted was to escape back to where I'd been. But someone was always watching… listening…" She shrugged and managed a small smile. 

"Oh…I know now about the imagers in the bathroom. That was sly. I should have known though." She looked sadly down at her hands. "The captain would have. It shows how much I've slipped, doesn't it?" 

Chakotay sat forward. "Kathryn, you were ill." 

She waved that away. "I know. It's just an observation." 

They were silent for several minutes until Chakotay saw her shiver slightly. "Would you prefer to go inside? It's getting a little chilly out here." 

Kathryn rubbed at her arms. "Yes. And if I could be so bold as to ask you for another coffee before I head back." She didn't miss the sad look on Chakotay's face, but he covered it quickly. 

"Come on. You sit down in the lounge and I'll get the coffee." 

* * *

Chakotay stopped short when he returned with the coffee. Kathryn stood at the mantle examining the image of Voyager's crew which stood framed there. She turned to look at him. "I'm surprised you didn't cut me out of this." 

He came into the room and put the cups down on the small table. "Actually… Well, I didn't cut you out of it, but I did cover your face." He felt beyond embarrassed but was determined to be honest with her. "It was very childish, I know. I feel terrible about it now." 

Kathryn just smiled and moved to the couch. "When did you change it back?" 

He sat also and moved her cup towards her. "After I started visiting you…just before bringing Rose in. I can't remember exactly. It just felt right." 

Kathryn grew serious. "Why did you keep coming to the clinic after that first time?" 

Chakotay sighed. "I kept coming because I realized I cared…still cared." He looked embarrassed at that. "I wanted and needed to keep coming. I realized I didn't hate you and know now I never really could have hated you, although with the way I behaved you could only think I did. I even convinced myself. You should hate me though." 

Kathryn lifted her cup and took a long drink. "Chakotay, I wish that you could accept that I don't and didn't hate you…and that I can forgive you if that's what you feel you need." 

He took a drink of his tea and watched her over the rim of his cup. "How can you?" 

Kathryn smiled at that. "Oh, Chakotay… Look, I'm not Saint Kathryn." She laughed briefly. "I think there are enough of them already." She sighed, letting her laughter die. "I'm just doing what my heart feels. Letting it go helps me to move on and I have to do that if I'm to have any life at all." 

She put her cup down and sat back. "I don't hate you, Chakotay. I never did." She dropped her head to the side as she studied him. "Remember what you said about when you first saw me at the clinic? You said you pitied me." He nodded. "Well, strangely, I pitied you too. When all this happened first and I saw how you were…" She shrugged. "I pitied you, but I never hated you. I saw your pain and it broke my heart…on top of my own pain. And later when I heard about Louise…" 

She sat forward and continued. "Yes, you hurt me, but we often hurt those we love most. And I guess it hurts more because that hurt is being caused by the one we love, but I believe you can move past that." 

Chakotay acknowledged that, not sure if he believed it yet. "What about when I came to see you…when you came out of it?" 

Kathryn sighed. "I didn't know how to act with you or what to say. It had been so long and so much had happened. Eventually it all rushed out and I know I talked a lot, much of it confused. All I felt I'd done wrong in my entire life just crowded in on me. I let all my anger out at you…lashed out at you." She smiled softly. "Sound familiar?" 

Chakotay shook his head. "I deserved it." He ran a hand through his hair. "No matter what you say, I know I can't ever atone for the way I treated you. We can sit here like this and talk, but it'll always be there between us. You'll always remember how I let you down, and you'll always be waiting for me to do that again. You can say all this is in the past, but it's like being bitten by a dog or suffering a near drowning. That fear will always be there and you'll never forget it. When all is said and done, you'll never be able to trust me again." He sighed heavily. "I tried to explain a lot of this to you at the clinic." 

Kathryn looked at him sadly. "I know. I remember." 

He didn't seem to hear her. "So, no matter what you say, all this exists and it can't be pushed into the past." He turned more fully to look at her. "Kathryn, you can tell me all you want that you forgive me, and maybe that's because you think I want or need to hear that. Deep down though…deep down, Kathryn, can you tell me, hand on heart, that you can ever forgive me completely, that you won't be haunted by the way I treated you?" 

Kathryn stared hard at him. "Where's all this coming from, Chakotay? I can tell you now that I can't deal with this yet. I had a lot to work through, from this and from my life before you. I still have a lot of work to do. How I dealt with personal pain in my life, and you were just one incidence of that, is still unresolved in my mind. I need to learn coping skills and so on, because I'm not so arrogant as to believe that tragedy won't visit me again some time. It may not, but I have to be prepared for it if it does. My history speaks for itself." She shook her head. 

"So you ask me about forgiveness. I can tell you that I understand why you acted as you did. As to forgiveness… I think you're confusing forgiveness with forgetting. I can forgive you for doing what you did, for acting as you did. Can I forget? No, probably not. Can I let go of the hurt I feel at how you acted? Let's just say I'm still working on that…for you and for myself. My issues with all this don't just concern you. They also concern me. I'm learning to forgive myself too. I'm working hard on all of it because I want and need to let all that go…and I'm getting there. It's slow, but I am getting there." 

She leaned over and lifted her cup, draining it. She studied it a moment before putting it back on the table. "I can only work through my own part in all this. You need to work through your part yourself. I can't deal with your feelings as well as my own. Can you understand that?" 

He nodded slowly. "Elizabeth suggested some form of counselling for me. Maybe she was right." 

Kathryn thought about that and nodded. "It would help you, I think. You're carrying a lot of guilt and pain inside you. It's time to let that go. If not for yourself, then for that little girl upstairs." She watched him think about that and smiled to herself, then stood. 

"Chakotay, thank you for seeing me, especially when I turned up out of the blue. Thank you also for letting me talk about all this to you. It's helped me a lot. I hope it's helped you too in some way." 

Chakotay looked up at her and forced a smile, then stood also. "It has helped. It's…" He managed more of a smile now. "Do you have to go?" 

Kathryn nodded. "Yes. I have to get back." 

He nodded again. "To the clinic? Can I call someone there to pick you up?" 

She shook her head. "No. I see Elizabeth as an out-patient now." She smiled. "Actually, I have an apartment…temporary. I need to know I can cope before I take on somewhere permanently. I want to be sure. In time I'd like to get a house…somewhere with a garden." 

He understood that. "It sounds good." 

She smiled. "So far so good." Her smile faded as she looked at him. "I need to find my life again, Chakotay. Well, find A life." 

Chakotay looked down at his hands, playing with a fingernail. He suddenly felt her loss, even when she was still standing before him. She picked up on it. "Chakotay, what is it?" 

He looked up and shrugged. "I don't know. I just suddenly don't want you to go. I feel like I'm losing you, or won't see you again." He smiled sadly. "Sorry. I've no right to say that, and I don't know where it came from." 

Kathryn reached out and laid a hand over one of his. "You'll see me again. For now, I need to find my life again…regain the strength to live it." 

Chakotay looked down at her hand on his. "Can I ever be a part of that life?" He wasn't sure what he meant. 

Kathryn decided to be honest. "I don't know, Chakotay. I'm not sure what way you mean that." 

He tried to hide his embarrassment. "I don't know either. It just came out." 

She nodded at that. "We've been through a lot today…a lot of emotion. I can only repeat that I don't know. That's the only answer I can give you. There's still a lot of healing to do…for you as well as for me. I'd hope we could eventually be friends." 

He took what he was offered. "I'd like that too." 

She smiled at that. "So would I." She cleared her throat when a silence followed. "Well, I'd better head home." 

He moved back to let her pass. "Can I call for a transport for you? I'd walk you only…" 

She shook her head and smiled. "You can't leave Rose. Besides, the station is just around the corner. I used it to come here so I know the way." 

As she moved past Chakotay, he reached out and touched her arm. "Kathryn, it's been really wonderful to see you. I'm…" He drew in a deep breath. "Can I be very forward and ask if I can hug you?" 

He was rewarded with a smile and a nod of her head. He reached for her slowly and pulled her to him, embracing her gently. He whispered into her ear. "Thank you." 


	10. Chapter 10

Over the next two months Chakotay attended counselling as Elizabeth had suggested. He called the doctor and asked her for a recommendation and she gave him the name of a colleague of hers. 

Dr. Fulton smiled at Chakotay from the view screen. "I'm delighted to know you're taking this step, Chakotay. You won't regret it." 

Chakotay smiled at her. "I know you're right. Kathryn thinks it's a good idea too." He grew serious. "She called to see me. Did she tell you?" 

Elizabeth nodded. "Yes, she did. Actually we talked about it before she made that decision." 

Chakotay accepted that. "It was so good to see her…" He stopped and smiled. "Sorry. I know you can't talk about this. It was just…well…I'd missed her. I just wish I could have been able to help her more and…" 

The doctor interrupted him. "Chakotay, you did help her. And I think you were able to do that because you could recognize the raw and emotional side of her…her vulnerability, and that was because you were so aware of your own whether you knew that or not. But now it's time to help yourself." 

Chakotay smiled kindly and nodded. "I guess it is. Thank you for this and everything else. Thank you for helping me, and above all else for helping Kathryn." 

Elizabeth acknowledged that with a broad smile. "It's been my pleasure. Good luck, Chakotay." 

* * *

Chakotay kept his word and made the appointment with the counsellor Elizabeth Fulton had recommended. He was a man in his mid-forties and saw his patients in his own comfortable home, which instantly put Chakotay at his ease. 

Within two sessions Chakotay realized it was a step he should have taken a long time ago. While he'd been able to talk to Kathryn, he was able to pour his heart out with his counsellor without the emotional attachment. As the work progressed, he felt a weight lifting from his shoulders and began to realize just how long everything had been eating away inside of him. He didn't fool himself though. He knew he'd a long road ahead of him, that dealing with his guilt would be a difficult journey. 

His work with Starfleet satisfied him and Rose swelled his heart every time he looked at her or thought of her, but there was still a wound inside him he knew he needed to heal. 

* * *

Kathryn kept her word and Chakotay did see her again. As time passed a tentative friendship developed and he saw her occasionally, meeting for lunch or having her over to the house. 

He worried about her spending time with Rose though, afraid that being around the little girl would upset her. He found himself watching Kathryn constantly and trying to limit the contact they had, and eventually Kathryn noticed. She challenged him on it, asking if he was afraid to have her around his daughter. Chakotay was horrified that his actions had caused her to think that way, and fighting his embarrassment, he explained why he was worried. He referred back to the night she'd been upset watching him settle the child for the night. Kathryn matter-of-factly put him straight, telling him in no uncertain terms that he was just reminding her and hurting her with his actions. He heard the captain in her words as she told him that if she had a problem she'd tell him about it, but until that time she wanted him to treat her as normally as possible. 

With that settled, they became easier in each other's company and a friendship like the one they'd had in the early days on Voyager started to be reborn. 

For her part, Kathryn continued to see Elizabeth, determined to finish the work she'd started. She also began to gain more confidence in herself and nurtured a will to begin living again. In time she moved out of her apartment and bought a small house for herself with the garden she'd dreamed about. Chakotay even helped her move in and decorate it. 

Once she felt settled there she went back to work, lecturing for Starfleet. She knew her days of space travel were well and truly over and didn't feel the loss the way she'd feared. 

She worked part-time to begin with, slowly increasing her hours but refusing a full time position. After all she'd been through, she never wanted to let work consume her again. 

She also eased her way into a social life. She saw Chakotay now and then, spending time with him and his daughter, even sharing occasional outings with them. She socialized with others too, slowly building a circle of friends again. She visited with Tom and B'Elanna, enjoying her time with them and their daughter in a way she'd never have been able to before. And there were new friends too amongst those she worked with. She felt proud of the progress she'd made. 

* * *

Kathryn was sitting in Chakotay's kitchen one weekend going over some work with him. They'd both ended up sharing several students and often had to work together when planning lectures or helping a student plan his or her future. 

They finished work and were sharing a late supper when Chakotay finally broached something he'd long wanted to bring up with Kathryn. He felt she was stronger now and ready for what he wanted to ask her. 

"Kathryn…" He hesitated and she sensed that something was troubling him. 

"What is it, Chakotay?" 

He finished his tea and rested his elbows on the kitchen table where they sat. "I've wanted to ask you something for a long time, but I never felt the time was right." Kathryn merely nodded, tacitly giving her permission for him to continue. He cleared his throat and took the plunge. 

"It's about Caylem…" He watched her carefully, afraid of upsetting her. She shocked him by smiling softly. 

"You want to visit his grave." She took in his shocked expression. "I've waited for you to ask and I knew you would. I also know you were waiting to ask until you felt I was ready." He just nodded. 

Kathryn leaned her elbows on the table in an imitation of him. "Do you want to go alone or do you want me to come with you?" 

Now that the subject was out in the open, he realized he hadn't thought that far ahead. He knew his answer though. "I'd really like it if you could come with me." 

Kathryn nodded and smiled softly. "That's fine. When do you want to go?" 

Their conversation felt surreal to Chakotay. "Whenever suits you. I don't…" 

Kathryn saw his uneasiness. She leaned over and laid a hand on his. "Tomorrow is Sunday. If you'd like, we could go then." 

He nodded at that. "I can ask B'Elanna to take Rose." He felt close to tears and his heart constricted as he looked at her. "Thank you." 

* * *

The following day, Kathryn took Chakotay to the resting place of their lost son. She walked silently to the grave with him and then gently touched his arm. "This is it." 

They stood before a small area of flowers, marked only by a carved stone with their son's name and date of birth. A cherub holding a dove was carved on top of it and beside the name and date, a copy of Chakotay's tattoo was carved. 

Chakotay felt overwhelmed with emotion and was too choked up to say anything. Kathryn read him easily and squeezed his arm. He looked at her as she pointed to a large tree with a wooden bench beneath it. "I'll just be over there. I'll wait for you. Take your time." 

Chakotay nodded in confusion and she smiled at him. "I'll join you when you're ready. Just take your time." She smiled again then walked away slowly, leaving her child's father to make his peace with himself and their son. 

* * *

That evening Kathryn offered to put Rose to bed while Chakotay cleared away in the kitchen. He simply smiled his thanks and continued clearing the dishes, leaving Kathryn feeling they'd overcome another hurdle. 

When she returned, Chakotay had her coffee waiting. He was sitting on the couch watching the flames dance in the fireplace. He looked up and smiled at her. "Did she go down all right?" 

Kathryn smiled and nodded. "She's exhausted. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow." 

Chakotay smiled and pointed to her coffee. "Your drug of choice." 

Kathryn sat and lifted her mug, inhaling the aroma of the coffee. "That's good. For someone who doesn't drink the stuff, you sure know how to make it." 

Chakotay laughed. "I aim to please." His laughter faded as he looked at her. "Kathryn, thank you for today. It meant so much to me…gave me a connection to him I didn't have before." 

She shook her head. "I was happy to take you. It meant a lot to me too." They were silent for several minutes, both watching the fire. Finally Kathryn broke the silence. "Thanks for letting me put Rose to bed and not making a big deal of it." 

Chakotay met her eyes. "You explained and I accepted. I was just afraid of hurting you." 

Kathryn leaned back and nodded. "I know that, but thank you anyway. Besides, you weren't alone. I saw Tom and B'Elanna doing the same thing with Miral. I know you all meant well and if the tables had been turned, I'd probably have been the same way myself." She settled herself more comfortably into the cushions and studied him for a moment. 

Chakotay frowned slightly. "What's on your mind?" 

Kathryn smiled slightly. "I always forget how well you read me." She shrugged a little. "Can I be very bold and ask how you're getting on with your counselling?" She held a hand up. "I'm not asking you for details. Please don't think that. I just hope that it's helping." 

Chakotay looked towards the fire and sighed. "I don't mind you asking at all." He sighed as he looked back at her. "It's going well. I don't know how I got through without it, in fact. It's a great outlet and Philip is great…" He smiled at her. "Philip Barrow. Elizabeth recommended him." 

Kathryn nodded as she watched him. "I'm glad he's helping you." 

Chakotay pursed his lips a moment. "It's not easy, but he is helping." He looked off into the distance, his thoughts his own, and Kathryn kept quiet, giving him space if he wanted to say more. 

Finally, he pulled himself back and looked over at her. "He asked me something early on, something Elizabeth Fulton also asked when she first came to see me." He sighed. "When I told him the details…he asked if a previous girlfriend had ever terminated a pregnancy or lost a baby. He was looking for a reason for my behaviour. It hit me hard to realize there was no reason…no excuse. My behaviour was all because of my own ugliness." 

Kathryn sat up and laid a gentle hand on his arm. "Chakotay…" 

He shook his head. "When I told him about Seska, he asked me if I thought she'd had something to do with the way I acted." He sat forward. "That made me feel even worse." 

Kathryn frowned. "How? Maybe all that had something to do with it." 

Chakotay laughed cynically. "Oh, come on, Kathryn. Whatever I thought of you at the time, I'd never have compared you to that…" He held off on whatever expletive he'd like to have used. "No…the fact is…" He shrugged. "There are no excuses for how I behaved. Oh, don't get me wrong. It would be wonderful if there was a reason I could point to and say 'that's why I did this or that' or 'that's the reason I was this way', but that's not the case." 

Kathryn studied him. "Only pain and grief and loss…" 

He shook his head. "All of which you had. I'm not the first man this has happened to and they didn't behave the way I did." 

Kathryn just shook her head. "You don't know that, Chakotay. You don't know those men, whoever they are. Besides, each person's situation is unique to them." 

Chakotay stared down into his tea. "This was me though. I still don't have any excuse for the way I was." He looked back at Kathryn. "I know some believe that being a man…not showing emotions and all that…made my pain come out as anger to cope… Even Elizabeth talked to me about that. I told you all this before." 

Kathryn studied him. "Was she any help?" 

He sighed. "She was right about one thing. Up to the time I went to see you, I hadn't faced any of this. According to her, I'd built up hate and anger towards you since it happened…probably in order to cover all my other feelings and avoid dealing with them…dealing with my hurt and pain. It was easier to hate you and direct it all at you…so I converted my pain to anger and hate and aimed it at you. I needed someone to blame and it supplied an explanation for something that had no reason and just happened." 

Kathryn thought about that. "And your counsellor. What was his take on it all? Did he offer any insight?" 

He seemed mesmerized with his tea. "He said much the same. Same stock answers and reasons. Many men grieve in the same way. They hide the pain and it comes out as anger. They see it as weak to show their feelings…pain, grief, sadness. He said I felt cheated at my lost dream and because I could see no reason for it, I invented one or sought one. To cope, I lashed out at you…the one I loved and needed most. What I believed in was gone and because I couldn't show that, I used the anger and hate to cover it. I was blinded to your pain by my own. Nothing I hadn't heard before. You've heard it all too." He shook his head. "He did offer one other insight though. He traces it back to when I lost my family to the Cardassians. I used anger and hate then too. Instead of grieving, I joined the Maquis. He thinks I saw having you and the baby as a way to heal all that…heal all the losses. Not replacing one family with another but… And then it was snatched away." He shook his head. "I loved Seska…or believed I did…but she betrayed me…so that added to my losses. Having you and then the baby was like coming home…and then it was gone. I felt doubly vulnerable. He thinks my anger was a form of self-defence…my only way to cope. So I became… I shut it all out…turned off…and thought only of getting the crew home…" 

Kathryn nodded slowly. "The way I once was…" 

He barely nodded at that. "I drifted into a relationship with Louise out of loneliness. He thinks I also somehow saw her as a safe way of getting some of my dream." He shrugged. "Oh I loved her, but it was a safe love…more like friendship. Philip thinks it was a neutral place where I felt I wouldn't or couldn't get hurt." He looked towards the fire. "We didn't plan Rose, but once she was on the way…I saw glimpses of my dream again, even though I was terrified of something going wrong as most parents to be are." He shrugged once more and looked back at her. "I don't know. In my mind, it was still down to me. I have to take full responsibility." 

She nodded slowly. "So he's given you answers. That's good." 

He shook his head. "There's a big difference between answers and reasons and excuses." 

Kathryn sighed heavily. "That's not you talking, Chakotay. That's your inability to forgive yourself speaking. If I can let it go and leave it in the past, why can't you? I wish you'd just let go of your guilt." 

Chakotay managed a small smile. "Kathryn Janeway is telling me about letting go of guilt." 

She smiled sheepishly. "All right. Point taken. I owned the monopoly on that, didn't I?" She shrugged. "OK then…if I can eventually learn to let go of guilt, you can too." 

Chakotay took a drink of his tea. "It took you a long time though." He smiled at her. "I think it may take me just as long. Just be patient with me." 

* * *

Over the next two months Kathryn continued to improve. Physically she'd been given the all-clear, and she only saw Elizabeth Fulton occasionally. In her words, she was slowly weaning herself off therapy. She knew that making a life for herself would be the best therapy of all. 

Chakotay, for his part, continued with his counselling, needing the outlet it provided. He felt he was making progress but still believed he had a long way to go. 

Both Kathryn and Chakotay were now settled into a comfortable friendship, taking each day as it came. They celebrated Rose's first birthday and only occasionally discussed their past, at ease with the good times they'd had, but now they mostly left the painful topics untouched. Mainly they lived in the present, enjoying the time they spent together. 

They didn't talk about the future at all, except to plan a student's career and best course choice. It wasn't a conscious decision, each just feeling that the other wasn't ready or afraid of upsetting what they had. 

Outside of the contact they had at the Academy they saw each other about two or three times a week, sometimes having dinner with Tom and B'Elanna or attending a celebration for a former crew member. In this way they established a comfortable routine, one they both relied on even if they didn't realize it at the time. 

* * *

Chakotay smacked the ball hard, leaving Tom unable to make the return. He stood up and wiped at his forehead, his breathing heavy. "You're getting slow, Paris." 

Tom tried to control his own breathing. "You're not too fast yourself, old man." 

Their weekly game of racquetball had become a firm date in their diaries, both men needing the workout and time to themselves. It gave them time to bond, and both were enjoying the enhanced friendship they were now enjoying. 

Tom slid down the wall and reached for a bottle of water. "Let's take five." 

Chakotay joined him and laughed. "You don't need to ask me twice." He took a second bottle which Tom offered him and drank deeply. "Thanks." 

They drank in silence for several minutes, both catching their breath. Finally Tom asked a question he'd been dying to ask for ages. "How are things going with you and Kathryn?" 

Chakotay laughed. "Taking lessons from your wife in direct questioning?" 

Tom laughed at that. "Plain talking is a survival technique in our house. It tends to spill over into the rest of my life now." 

Chakotay smiled at that and then grew serious, shrugging slightly. "We're friends…I hope." He saw the sadness on his friend's face. "Outside of work we have dinner occasionally…attend the odd celebration…see the two of you. It's actually like the early days on Voyager except we have this history. Oh, we know it's there, but mostly we don't acknowledge it. We did talk about it and in some ways came to terms with it…probably said everything that needed to be said. We haven't talked about it in months though…and now it's like being in no-man's land…marking a ceasefire of sorts. It's comfortable for the most part." 

Tom played with this water bottle. "Is she still OK with Rose? We worried about her with Miral but she's fine." 

Chakotay sighed at that. "I was so afraid about that. At first I was keeping Rose away, afraid being with a baby would hurt her even though she'd spent time with her already." He laughed slightly. "She actually called me on it…asked if I was afraid to have her around my child. I was treating her differently, and she didn't want that. She's very comfortable with her now, as Rose is with her." 

Tom nodded slowly at that. "She told us about you both going to visit Caylem's grave." 

Chakotay dropped his head back. "It took me a long time to ask her about that but I finally did. She was actually expecting me to ask. I'd been afraid to say anything for so long. In the end…" He sighed. "It was something we both needed to do together. And it was fine. It's such a peaceful place, beautifully tended. She'd arranged a lovely little marker stone with an angel holding a dove and my tribal marking. I was amazed at that, but it meant so much to me. It was a very healing visit for us both. It helped me a lot and I think her too…helped us. I've been there on my own since our visit together, and I know she has too. I saw her flowers there as I'm sure she's seen mine, but we haven't talked about it." 

Tom smiled at that. "She's certainly come a long way this past year." 

Chakotay smiled as well. "Yeah. She loves lecturing at the Academy. Being behind a desk wasn't for her and going back into space was the last thing she wanted. We actually share some students and work together occasionally in planning lectures. It's great. She's a different woman. She has her house and garden, which she loves. She's even in touch with former crew. She has her friends and socializes with them a lot…not just the crew, but faculty members…other staff. She's made a great life for herself and I'm just a small part of it." 

Tom looked around at his friend. "It sounds like that hurts." 

Chakotay was honest in his answer. "It does in a way, but I think that's just my arrogance showing. She doesn't need me. She doesn't need anyone…and that's great. Don't get me wrong. It just feels…" He sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know. I let her down before. Badly. I feel this need to try and make up for that." 

Tom saw the sadness on the other man's face. "She was like this before though, on Voyager - confident and in charge of her own life." 

Chakotay just nodded. "I know." He studied the far wall of the court. 

Tom took a drink and closed the bottle. "You need her to need you." 

Chakotay turned to look at Tom, seeing his friend meant no harm in the statement. He nodded slowly. "I've wondered and thought about that, and if I'm totally honest…" He sighed. "In one way, I guess I feel her needing me more would help my guilt." He turned the bottle in his hands. "Mostly it's not that though. Yes, I want to make it up to her, as impossible as that is, but mainly it's because I love her. I now think I never stopped loving her. I just let other feelings overshadow that…or refused to see it." 

Tom remembered his wife's opinion on that but said nothing. He shook his head. "I'd think seeing her happy with her own life would help you more." 

Chakotay took a deep drink. "Maybe… I suppose I'm still confused by it all. The counselling is helping, but I guess I still have a long way to go…" 

* * *

Their routine continued as time passed, much as it had been. The only break in it came when Kathryn took a holiday, announcing that she was going to Hawaii for a week to eat, sleep, read and generally just laze about. 

Chakotay remarked on her plans to B'Elanna. "The old Kathryn would have hated a vacation like that. She'd have been bored to tears within ten minutes." 

B'Elanna smiled as she cleared away after their lunch. "She's not the old Kathryn anymore though." 

Chakotay nodded at that. "I know…and I'm slowly learning to accept that. It just seems strange." 

B'Elanna stopped what she was doing and studied him. "What's really bothering you? Is it that she didn't ask you along or are you afraid she'll meet someone?" 

He shook his head and smiled sadly. "Can't ever say you're not direct…" B'Elanna merely shrugged at that. He sighed. "It's probably a bit of both, to answer your question. She could have met someone already and I wouldn't know. The more she emerges as this new stronger and independent woman, the more I feel I'm losing someone who was never mine to start with. Does that make any sense?" 

B'Elanna nodded her understanding and smiled sadly at him. "Do either of you ever mention the future to each other?" 

Chakotay shook his head, his expression sad. "No. I'd be terrified to bring it up. I hinted at it ages ago…asked if I could ever be a part of her future but she was still finding her feet at that stage and was just dealing with things day to day. Besides, at that time I meant her immediate future and we both knew that. Since then though… No. I'd be afraid to say anything that might jeopardize what we have. We're friends…good friends, I think. We're comfortable together most of the time, but she has another life, all her own, outside of that." 

B'Elanna folded the dish cloth she held and sat down beside him. "Chakotay, having that means she's recovering, but she still wants you as part of her life. She wouldn't be with you if she didn't want that." 

He sighed at that. "I know." He shook his head suddenly and stood up. "Don't mind me. I'm just being stupid." He checked the time. "I have a lecture. I'd better get going." 

B'Elanna looked up at him, knowing he had plenty of time. "OK." She stood also. "Chakotay, just take time and think about this. Don't write it all off." 

He nodded again as he picked up his text padds then leaned over and kissed his friend on the cheek. "I have to go." He was already moving for the door. 

B'Elanna called after him. "Don't forget we're all having dinner at your place next Friday night." 

Chakotay nodded. "I know. Kathryn gets back that day and said she'd make her own way there. I offered to pick her up at the transporter station but she said she'd be fine." Before he got thinking along that line, he opened the door and walked up the hall. He called over his shoulder. "See you Friday." 

* * *

Kathryn lay back on the biobed and gritted her teeth as the Doctor worked. "I'm sorry, Kathryn. I know this is uncomfortable but it's necessary." 

Kathryn sighed and nodded. "I know, Doctor. It's just part of being a woman…even in this day and age. Lying back with your legs in stirrups and your bits on display is just part of it." She jumped as he slid something inside her. 

"Sorry. Almost through." The Doctor finished his exam and then stood up, draping the sheet over her. He released her legs and covered her. "All done." 

Kathryn grunted in discomfort. "And what's the verdict?" 

The hologram came up to her and smiled. "The surgery was a complete success." 

Kathryn closed her eyes a moment and sighed deeply. Finally she looked at the medic again. "Did I make the right decision?" 

He pulled over a stool and sat down beside her. "We talked about this. You were sure before." 

She nodded at that. "I know and I agonized long and hard over my decision." She ran a hand over her stomach. "Sorry. I know it's the right thing and I do feel better…more like a woman again…" 

The Doctor touched her arm softly. "My dear, you were always a woman." 

She shook her head. "Not being physically able to have a child… I never felt like one. I felt like half a woman and now…" She looked over at him. "I know you think my decision was because of Chakotay being part of my life again but there's nothing like that between us. I needed this for me. I just couldn't see that before. And being able to have a child doesn't mean I'll ever have one, but…. I need to know it's possible. Can you understand that? I need to feel whole." 

He patted her arm. "I do understand…but my dear lady, I've never seen you any other way." 

* * *

Kathryn made it to Chakotay's house about ten minutes after Tom and B'Elanna. Chakotay watched her as she helped Tom set the table and jumped when B'Elanna came up beside him. "Rose is asleep. Miral wasn't too happy at being left behind with her Grandad and Grandma though. She wanted to 'babysit her Wose'." When she saw he wasn't really listening, she smacked him playfully on the arm. "Anyone in there?" 

Chakotay shook his head and smiled softly at her. "Sorry. I was just…" 

B'Elanna interrupted him, keeping her voice low. "Yeah. I know what you were doing. You haven't been able to take your eyes off her since she arrived. Did you miss her that much?" 

He shrugged. "A week in Hawaii? She seems rested…" 

B'Elanna nodded slowly, picking up on his low mood. "Yes, she does. Aren't you happy for her?" 

He nodded. "Of course." He looked down at the bottle of wine he was opening. "Sun, sea and sand. She hasn't got much of a tan." 

B'Elanna rolled her eyes. "Chakotay, haven't you heard of sun block? You know the dangers of too much sun. It's all right for you, but with Kathryn's colouring…" 

He pulled the cork from the bottle. "I know but…" He looked at his friend and lowered his voice even more. "I just don't think she's been in a hot climate for a week." 

B'Elanna whispered back to him. "And just where do you think she has been?" 

Chakotay turned away slightly. "Before she went…" He sighed. "A few times she couldn't make lunch or a lecture. She said she had 'appointments'. I just felt she had a secret." He shook his head studying the cork. "I don't know. I guess it's none of my business." 

B'Elanna leaned closer. "You think she's seeing someone?" He just shrugged but didn't answer. B'Elanna's expression softened. "How would you feel about that?" 

His head snapped up. "How can I feel? I've no claim on her." He answered her question before she asked it. "But would I be hurt and jealous? Yes…even though I've no right to be." He shook his head again. "God…I'm jealous of anyone else who has her time. I even envy her damn students. And the really sad thing is that I had it all – her – and threw it all away because I was so selfish and cruel. I made her pay dearly for my own hurt and pain and I let her down in the worst possible way." 

B'Elanna couldn't help the smile which graced her lips. "Have you told her how you feel?" 

He actually laughed at that but it wasn't a happy sound. "Are you kidding me? And risk ruining what I do have?" 

He studied the label on the bottle. "Anyway, it doesn't matter." He looked up when Tom called him for the wine. He nodded at him then leaned closer to B'Elanna. "Just drop it. Come on. Let's eat." 

* * *

Dinner went very well, the four people at the table sharing their friendship as well as a meal. The wine flowed but no one was drunk. Tom regaled them with stories of his childhood and teenage years and the things he'd gotten up to that his parents never knew about. 

Kathryn had tears of laughter rolling down her face. She dabbed at her eyes with her napkin. "Tom, I can't believe you sneaked twins into your bedroom. Owen would have had a fit." 

The pilot merely shrugged. "What can I say? I couldn't make up my mind and they both fancied me." 

B'Elanna slapped him hard on the arm. "Well, just as long as you know those days are over." 

Tom feigned fear. "Youthful transgressions, darling. Nothing more. I have no need of anyone else now." 

She kicked him under the table this time. "And you'd better remember that. I can always tell your dad your secrets." 

Tom threw his hands up in mock surrender. "No…anything but that…" 

* * *

Kathryn leaned back and rubbed at her stomach. "Chakotay, you sure can cook. I honestly couldn't eat another mouthful." She leaned forward and stroked his arm. "It was delicious though. It was a meal to be proud of." 

Chakotay smiled at her and reached for some of the plates. "It was nothing special. I'm glad you enjoyed it though." 

Kathryn reached over and took the plates from him. "You cooked. I'll take care of the dishes." 

B'Elanna stood and began to help. "Come on, Kathryn. We'll do these and let the men have a break." She stuck her tongue out at her husband. "Not that Tom did any work." 

Tom leaned back. "Ahh…but my presence inspired greatness. And my company…" He sat up and looked at Kathryn. "Seriously… What I will do is look over that material you wanted for your lecture, Kathryn. Do you have it with you?" 

Kathryn nodded towards Chakotay's computer terminal. "It's on there. Chakotay will show you. It's under 'Janeway 214 Delta'." 

Tom pushed back from the table and stood. "Right you are. Come on, Chakotay. Let's earn our dinner." 


	11. Chapter 11

B'Elanna studied Kathryn quietly as she helped her load the recycler and then wiped her hands on a cloth. She felt this was a perfect opportunity to talk to her friend. 

Kathryn looked sideways at her and smiled. "You look like a woman with something on her mind, and I've never known you to hold back so don't let now be any different." 

B'Elanna blushed a little. "This is true." She smiled kindly. "Actually, I was just thinking how well dinner went, and that led me to think about how at ease you and Chakotay seem with each other." She drew in a deep breath and asked her question. "So…how are you two getting on?" 

Kathryn smiled slightly. "Fine." 

B'Elanna grew serious. "Kathryn, one syllable answers make me nervous." She turned and leaned back against the counter. "Look, tell me to butt out, but I have to ask. Is there any chance you two will ever get back together?" 

Kathryn leaned against the table and looked at her former chief engineer, her expression sad. "I don't know, B'Elanna. We avoid that…don't talk about a shared future." 

B'Elanna played with the cloth she held. "Would you like it?" 

The question was direct and Kathryn gave a similar answer. "Yes…I think I would." She shook her head and sighed heavily. "I'm not so sure about Chakotay though. He says he'll always feel guilty, always blame himself." She shook her head again as she looked at her friend. "I don't know." She twisted her fingers together as she looked down at her hands. "Sometimes I can't help wondering if being friends is all he'll ever want, that some part of him will always blame me for what happened even though he says he won't." 

B'Elanna leaned forward immediately. "Kathryn, NO. You're wrong. The only blame he sees now he places firmly on his own shoulders." 

Kathryn shook her head sadly. "Then why doesn't he say something, or make some move? And before you say it, I can't make that move. It has to be him. It needs to be him…for his sake. However, something is holding him back…or maybe he just doesn't want it or no longer sees me that way. Maybe all he wants is a friend." She looked around her. "Look at me here. I know this house and this kitchen as well as I know my own. I know where everything is and yet… We spend a lot of time together but as friends. I think there'll always be a barrier between us." 

B'Elanna interrupted. "Maybe he's afraid you'll always blame him." She smiled kindly. "I don't know, Kathryn. Maybe he needs to see some sign from you that you'd welcome it." She shrugged. "However, I'm not the one you should be saying this to or asking." 

Kathryn pushed away from the table. "True…but if I say it to him I might ruin what we have now." 

B'Elanna smiled at that and raised an eyebrow. "Haven't you two been here before?" 

Kathryn smiled as she remembered. "Yes, we have…a very long time ago." She looked behind her as if to make sure they were alone and lowered her voice. "Can I tell you something?" 

B'Elanna leaned forward. "Of course you can. You don't need to ask." 

Kathryn nodded slowly, then smiled again. "You know my holiday?" 

B'Elanna nodded. "Yeah. You went to Hawaii." 

Kathryn nodded, her smile showing she had a secret. B'Elanna grew serious, her earlier conversation with Chakotay coming back to her. "Did you meet someone? Are you…?" 

Kathryn shook her head quickly. "No…no…nothing like that…but I wasn't in Hawaii." 

B'Elanna's eyes widened. "Kathryn Janeway, just tell me." 

Kathryn sighed. "I had the surgery. Voyager's Doc did it for me. You're the only one I've told. Chakotay doesn't even know." 

B'Elanna almost choked. "The surgery to…" 

Kathryn slowly nodded. "Yeah…that surgery. I could have a baby now if I wanted to." 

Her sadness wasn't lost on her friend. "Do you want another baby?" 

Kathryn sighed heavily and played with her hands, twisting her fingers together again. "I don't know. I'm not sure I can ever face that risk again. I'm not sure I'd have the strength." She sighed again and looked at B'Elanna. "Yes, I had the surgery, but that wasn't the reason why I had it. I did it for me, not for Chakotay or any future there might be." 

B'Elanna frowned. "Why then?" 

Kathryn shrugged. "I don't know. I think maybe to feel whole in at least one area of my life. Maybe to go back to a time of possibilities, to a time when I had choices." She frowned. "Does that make any sense?" 

B'Elanna thought about that. "I suppose…" 

Kathryn drew in a deep breath. "You know, B'Elanna, I realized, rightly or wrongly, that a lot of what made me feel a woman was my own ability to have children. I needed to feel whole and complete, physically as well as emotionally, in order to move on." 

B'Elanna seemed to understand that. "And have you moved on?" 

Kathryn smiled softly. "Yes, I believe so…for the most part anyway. I did wonder at first if I was just trying to turn back the clock, but I know that's not it. That's one thing I did learn. Looking back is debilitating. We, none of us, belong in the past. We live in the present and look to the future. That's the healthiest way." 

B'Elanna nodded at that. "And what about that future? You'd like it to include Chakotay?" 

Kathryn nodded slowly. "Yes, I would." 

B'Elanna folded the cloth she held. "Kathryn, what about Rose? How do you feel about her because they come as a package deal?" 

Kathryn smiled at the mention of the little girl. "I already love her. It's impossible not to." She looked directly at her friend. "However, she's a little girl in her own right, B'Elanna. She's also Louise's daughter. She'll always have her own mother, even if she's not here. I'm not looking for a replacement for the child I lost." 

B'Elanna looked shocked at that. "Kathryn, no…I didn't mean that…" She reached out quickly and touched Kathryn's arm. "I never thought that…" 

Kathryn waved away her concern. "I know, and I'm sorry. It's just the first thing Elizabeth said to me when I talked about Rose. She didn't mean any harm. She just needed to make sure that wasn't what I was doing." She smiled and shrugged. "Anyway…" 

She turned away and reached for the remainder of the dirty dishes. "I guess we just wait and see. What else can I do? He has to decide for himself and if this is all he wants, I can't do anything about that." She handed her friend a plate. "So, there you go…" She was effectively closing the subject and B'Elanna knew it as she took the offered plate. 

* * *

Both women turned when Chakotay appeared in the kitchen doorway. He obviously hadn't heard what they were talking about. "Ladies, sorry to interrupt." He smiled at Kathryn. 

"Kathryn, Tom is looking through the data you wanted for your lecture. He needs your help with some of it. What he was showing me is over my head." He moved into the kitchen and picked up a dirty plate. "Go on. I'll finish this for you with B'Elanna." 

Kathryn exchanged a brief look with B'Elanna as she moved towards the door then grinned at Chakotay. "Tom's timing is way off. He should have said something before B'Elanna and I did most of the work." 

* * *

When Kathryn had left the room, Chakotay caught sight of B'Elanna's wide smile. "What are you grinning at?" He placed the last two dishes in the recycler. 

B'Elanna laughed and didn't deny anything. "You two make a great couple. Watching you both during dinner…" 

Chakotay shook his head sadly. "Maybe once. We're just friends now." He sent her a warning look. "Just leave it. It's not going to happen." 

B'Elanna's laughter fell away and she joined his serious mood. "Why the hell not? We talked about this. You said you'd think about it. And just so you know, she's not seeing anyone." 

Chakotay took that piece of information on board but it made little difference to him. "It doesn't really matter, does it?" He saw the look on B'Elanna's face and felt the need to reason with his old friend. "What's the sense? It was just a dream. I know that now." He shrugged. "It's simple really. I'm not worthy of her. Maybe it would be better if she was seeing someone. She deserves better than me." He sighed heavily and faced her. "B'Elanna, I let her down. She'd always be afraid I'd let her down again." 

B'Elanna actually snorted. "She loves you and I know you love her. I shouldn't really tell you this but…" 

Chakotay rolled his eyes and interrupted her before she could say more. "B'Elanna…" He sighed heavily. "Look, maybe she does love me, probably out of loyalty, but there are two issues here. Love and trust. She needs to be able to feel both for me. Love on its own isn't enough." 

B'Elanna seized on that. "So the problem isn't love?" 

Chakotay dropped his head. As a result, he didn't see Kathryn come through the kitchen doorway. "It certainly isn't love. Trust is the big issue here." 

Kathryn's hand flew to her mouth and she gasped out loud. Chakotay's head snapped up and his eyes flew to the door. B'Elanna spun around at the same time. Before they had a chance to utter a word, Kathryn turned and fled. 

Chakotay shot forward. "Shit." 

B'Elanna grabbed his arm. "Go after her, Chakotay. Tom and I will head home. You know where we are if you need us. Call me later." She pushed him towards the door. 

He looked from the door to B'Elanna. "Rose. I can't…" 

B'Elanna thought quickly. "We'll take her home with us. She's just like Miral in that she won't wake once she's finally asleep for the night. You can pick her up from us in the morning." She waved towards the door. "Now go. Quickly." 

Chakotay gave her a worried smile and nodded. "Thanks." With that he was gone. 

* * *

Chakotay jumped off the porch and skidded on the wet grass. It took him a moment to realize that the predicted downpour of earlier had hit with a vengeance. The rain fell in sheets and he was soaked in a minute. He ran back up onto the porch and shouted into the house to his friend. "B'Elanna, it's pouring down. Stay over or call for a transport." He didn't wait for an answer. 

He ran through the downpour and searched the garden before heading out onto the road. Visibility was poor but he thought he caught a glimpse of someone under one of the street lights off to his left. He ran in that direction and finally saw her. "KATHRYN…" He hoped his voice would carry in the storm. 

Kathryn stopped at the sound of his voice and looked around quickly. She turned away then ran, heading into a park on her right. Chakotay caught up with her quickly, his hand slipping on her wet arm as he tried to grab her. "Kathryn…please…" 

She tried to move around him but he moved to block her escape. "Please…let me explain…" 

Kathryn stepped away from him, her hair plastered to her head and face and her dress clinging to her body. "Let me go." 

Chakotay shook his head. "I can't. Please come back to the house. We need to talk." 

Kathryn glared at him. "You don't trust me. Is that the real reason you were afraid to have your daughter near me?" 

Her words hurt him physically. "That's the third smack in the face you've given me, Kathryn. That hurts beyond measure. How could you ever think that?" 

Kathryn just shook her head, tears spilling freely down her face, disguised as they mixed with the rain. "That's what you said to B'Elanna." She turned away, but Chakotay blocked her escape once more. 

He stood his ground and faced her head on. "Kathryn, you've got it all wrong…" 

She jutted her chin out as she faced him. "I heard what you said. 'It isn't love…trust is the issue'." 

Chakotay blew out a long breath and looked around him. Seeing a small covered gazebo nearby, he pulled her over to it for shelter. "You heard one sentence out of context." He grabbed her by the shoulders when she tried to move away. "Listen to me. Let me tell you what you didn't hear." She struggled slightly but there was no real fight in it. "I told B'Elanna that I wasn't worthy of you…that you deserve better. I said how I'd let you down and how you'd always be afraid that I'd let you down again. I said that there were two issues…love and trust…and that you needed to feel both for me. I said that love on its own wasn't enough." 

He blew out a long breath and loosened his hold on her shoulders. "B'Elanna said something like 'so the problem isn't love'…and I answered that it certainly wasn't love…that trust was the big issue. That's the bit you heard." 

He stared down into her face, seeing her pain and confusion, her eyes filled with tears. "Oh God, Kathryn…I've made you cry so much in this life and I'm still doing it." He dropped his hands from her shoulders. 

Kathryn didn't move away as her eyes followed his movements. "You still love me?" 

He turned back to look at her. "Goddamn it, Kathryn, of course I love you. That love is still there. It never went away. It was just over-shadowed. I've always loved you, even when I didn't think I did…when I hid it with anger and hate and bitterness and tried to kill it. I was so sure YOU could never love ME like that again though…not after all that I did to you." 

Kathryn shook her head very slowly. "I've always loved you. I still love you, whether you believe that or not. I couldn't turn off my feelings for you, no matter what happened." 

Chakotay felt his heart quicken at her words. He moved back to her and placed his hands on her upper arms. For several minutes he just stared at her until he felt her shiver. "Come on. Let's go back to the house." 

Kathryn nodded at that and then suddenly a thought struck her and she panicked, grabbing Chakotay's arm. "Rose…where's Rose?" 

He felt a glow fill him at her concern. "It's all right. She's with Tom and B'Elanna. They either stayed with her if they couldn't organize a transport or took her home with them. She's fine. If they took her with them, we can pick her up in the morning." He slipped his arm around her shoulder. "Come on. Let's get back before we freeze or drown. You're soaked and shivering and I don't want you to get sick." 

She pressed against the warmth his body offered. "I'm cold but I won't melt. 

* * *

The house was quiet when they got back and Chakotay checked his comm unit to find a message from B'Elanna, a cheeky grin on her face. "We ordered a transport and took Rose with us. You can pick her up in the morning. Or afternoon. Whenever suits you." She then laughed and winked. "Have a good night. All the best." 

Kathryn stood shivering and dripping beside him as he closed the terminal. "She's something else." 

Chakotay looked around at her. "She is indeed." He suddenly felt lost for words. 

Kathryn smiled at his embarrassment. "Chakotay, I'm dripping all over your rug. Can I take a shower?" 

That kick-started him. "Of course. I'm sorry. I'll leave a dressing gown or something outside the door for you. Just throw your clothes in the utility room when you're done and I'll dry them for you later." 

Kathryn nodded and moved away. "I know where everything is…towels and so on." She looked back at him. "You'd better have one yourself. Whoever finishes first can make the coffee." 

* * *

Chakotay was in the kitchen stirring their drinks when Kathryn appeared in the doorway, swamped in his dressing gown. "What do you think? Will I win any fashion shows?" 

He laughed at that. "It is kind of swimming on you but it's all I have. At least it's warm." 

Kathryn wrapped her arms around herself. "It's lovely and cosy." 

He gestured towards their drinks. "I made hot chocolate. Is that all right?" 

She smiled and moved into the room. "It's perfect. It's been years since I had it and I've always loved it." 

They moved into the sitting room where the fire still burned and settled on the couch. They were silent for several minutes, sipping their drinks and studying the fire. Finally, Chakotay broke the silence as he turned to look at her in wonder. "You really loved me all that time?" 

Kathryn studied her chocolate for a minute and nodded shyly. "Yes, I did. I couldn't stop it." She sighed heavily and looked up to meet his eyes. "I'll be straight with you though. I did have times when I didn't like you very much. At the clinic I asked you to leave because, to be honest, you reminded me of a time I wasn't ready to revisit or deal with. Can you understand that? Remember what we said about mirrors? The good and bad reflecting off each other?" 

He closed his eyes a moment as he nodded. "I remember…and I do understand why you needed me to leave even though it hurt." 

Kathryn looked down into her lap. "I said some very hurtful things to you and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I hurt you but I was angry…about you being there…about you saying you wanted to help…as if you were the only one who could make me happy." She smiled apologetically. "I realized that I needed to do that for myself. I had to be strong for me." 

He was smiling sadly when she looked back at him. "I did understand, Kathryn. I really did. It hurt at the time but later, I understood. After that… It felt so good when you came to see me afterwards…gave me hope for… I don't know what. As we developed a friendship again, I felt better but I didn't dare hope that there could ever be anything again…. I just couldn't believe that the woman you are now…" 

Kathryn jumped on that. "See…that's a part of all this. You see me as… Chakotay, I admit I'm a different woman now, but the old one is still in there…still a part of who I am. I just see her as added to with a lot of life experiences. She's grown, matured, become a lot stronger after being a lot weaker." She pushed her still damp hair back from her face. "Yes, I've changed but for the good I think…for the better." 

She drained her cup and placed it on the table. "Back then the captain was always the strongest of the two parts of me, but now Kathryn is just as strong…and that feels good. I can't go back to who I was and I don't want to. The captain is gone and will never be again. That woman had so many cracks in her façade…" 

Chakotay shook his head. "No. You were always strong. When you faced an enemy…" 

Kathryn sighed heavily. "Chakotay, I'm not talking about the captain. I'm talking about Kathryn…me…the woman." 

He frowned at that. "You speak of yourself as two different people…" 

She smiled sadly at that. "I was in a way. When I wore that uniform I was Captain Janeway…dealing with business and in control of everything under my command. Without it, I was Kathryn…an ordinary woman facing her personal demons."   
  
She shook her head. "Don't get me wrong when I say that. I don't mean I was two separate people. I'm talking about the woman I was in the different roles I had to play. As I am now though…who I am now…I'm strong. I'm complete. The captain is gone, but her strength is now a part of Kathryn, the woman. Can you understand that?" 

Chakotay couldn't tear his eyes from her face. "I think I do. I guess I just never thought of it that way before." 

Kathryn reached for his hand. "I love you dearly, Chakotay. I do. And I don't mean to hurt you with this, but if something happened to you or if you weren't here, I'd survive. It would hurt me like hell, but I'd survive." 

He nodded, still staring at her. "I wouldn't want it any other way." 

She drew in a deep breath and rubbed a hand over her face, her eyes trained on his. "All that aside, I love you and I trust you completely." 

Chakotay closed his eyes a moment. "Oh Kathryn…I love you too. I also trust you completely. The trust I was talking about with B'Elanna was yours for me. I couldn't see you trusting me, but I trust you with my life. I trust you with my daughter's life." 

Kathryn watched him until he looked at her again. She shook her head slowly and drew in a deep breath. "Then you have to accept that I trust you too. It's that simple. I do. But I'm not going to spend the rest of my life trying to convince you of that. You just have to believe me and accept it. I can't make you believe it." She sighed and looked away. "We've been through this so many times…"   
  
He looked down at his hands. "I know. I just find it so hard to think that you could ever… I still don't know how you could forgive me for all that. Even though I don't deserve that forgiveness, there's nothing I want more." 

She looked back at him. "This is the trust that's lacking here. Trust in each other to trust that the other trusts us. Can you understand that? We hurt each other before. We need to trust that we can move past that and have what we have now." She smiled softly. "As to forgiveness… It's yours, Chakotay. It was always there." 

She sighed wearily. "Look, you want me to tell you that the way you acted back then was wrong? OK. You were wrong. All right? You were wrong and you made a big mistake, but you've long since paid for it. I can put the past behind me. Why can't you? Why do you still feel blame and guilt? Why are you still punishing yourself? I thought your counselling would have helped you with this." 

She dropped her head to the side. "Chakotay, here's where more of that trust comes in. You have to trust me that I forgive you if that's what you need. You have to trust me that I don't hate you or blame you. And you have to trust me that I trust you…that I love you. I thought we at least had that as friends. I thought we were good friends." 

Chakotay swallowed loudly. "We are…but despite what we've said here tonight, I think that's all we'll ever be." His sadness spoke volumes. 

Kathryn moved a little closer to him. "Is that what you think or is that what you want? Is friendship all you want from me?" 

Chakotay studied her for a moment, his heart thumping in his chest. Suddenly he took a leap of faith. "No. I want more. I'd love more." 

Kathryn challenged him on that, needing to be sure. "Why? Why would you really want me? Is it for you? Is it because you think Rose needs a mother?" She leaned back a little. "Or do you still pity me? Do you want to try and turn the clock back? Is it your ever present guilt? I can tell you now that I could never accept any of those reasons." 

Chakotay seemed in shock at her words. He knew though that she had every right to question him. "Let me tell you this. I love Rose. I have her and I have my work…my home. I have friends. Rose is my life though. In the evening, when it's just the two of us, I'm fine. Later though, when she's gone to bed and I'm sitting here alone with the evening stretching out before me, I'm consumed with loneliness. It brings it home to me just how alone I am. It makes me very aware of what's missing from my life." He reached out and took her hand. "It makes me aware of who's missing from my life. Yes, I'm lonely, but not for someone. I'm lonely for you." He drew in a deep breath. "So no, Kathryn, it's for none of your reasons. It's because I love you." 

Time seemed to stand still for a moment. All he could hear was their breathing and the crackle of the fire. He squeezed her hand and held her eyes, his voice softer now. "Can we have a future together, Kathryn? Before everything, we were friends. We are again. Can we work from there? Could you need me? Could you want me? I certainly need and want you." 

Kathryn leaned a little closer. "Chakotay, there's a difference between need and want." She dropped her head to the side again without breaking eye contact. "I've missed you. And I need you, and I want you." She sighed. "I need you because I want you…but I don't need you because I need you. Can you see the difference?" 

He nodded slowly. "I understand." 

She watched him closely. "And what about Rose?" 

He smiled softly. "That little girl needs you too, Kathryn. She needs a mother." 

Kathryn shook her head. "I could never be her mother, Chakotay." 

His heart stopped for a moment. "I thought…" 

Kathryn's next words started it again. "She already has a mother. Louise will always be her mother. The fact that she's not here doesn't change that." She looked him directly in the eyes. "Don't ever deny that little girl her real mother." 

Chakotay shook his head. "I wouldn't, even though Louise begged me before she died to find a mother for her." 

Kathryn nodded sadly. "I can understand why she said that. I'd probably have said the same thing in her place." She smiled gently. "I can't be her real mother, but I could be a mother figure, and I can be her friend. I could love her as much though. I mean, I already do…" 

Chakotay took both her hands in his. "What you can do is love her like a mother, and be there for her as she grows. She'll need that." 

Kathryn nodded slowly and looked at their joined hands. "Yes, she will." She looked up into his face. "I just want you to know something. I'm not trying to see Rose as some kind of replacement for Caylem. She's a little girl in her own right and Louise is her mother. Elizabeth and I talked about this because she was worried I might try to do that. I know I'm not." 

Chakotay squeezed her hands. "That never crossed my mind…and never would have until you said it." He leaned forward and kissed her fingers. "I know that, Kathryn. At one time, after she was born, I worried that I might have been doing the same thing. I know now I wasn't. You're right. She's a child in her own right. What we can do together is love her as much as we can and raise her the best way we can." 

They were silent for several minutes as everything sank in. Chakotay felt drained physically and emotionally, felt he had no more words. He leaned in towards her, his intention clear yet hesitating enough that she could pull back if she needed to. 

Kathryn wasn't going anywhere. She closed the distance between them and brushed her lips to his, her breath catching in her chest at the contact. It was new and old all at the same time, like a newly decorated room in an old familiar and much loved home. 

Chakotay slipped one arm around her back, his other hand pressing against the back of her head as he held her to him and deepened the kiss. He felt nervous and excited and a thousand other things he didn't even want to decipher at the moment. All that existed was the feel of her lips beneath his own and the scent and taste of her. He felt as if he'd finally come home. 

Kathryn's hands explored his chest, slipping beneath his dressing gown to trace over his skin. She felt his heart beating against her fingers and leaned into him again, wanting nothing more than to lose herself in this man. When he broke the kiss and traced his lips across her cheek and down her neck, she knew she had to pull back. "Chakotay…" 

His answer was murmured against her shoulder. "Mmmm…" 

She pushed gently against his chest. "Chakotay…we have to stop…" 

He managed to pull away and looked deeply into her eyes. "I'm sorry. It's too soon. I didn't mean to… I'm sorry…" He pulled back again until she reached up and took his face in her hands. 

"Chakotay, it's not that. It's… I want to go further but…" She licked at her lips and swallowed. "There's something I need to tell you…about my holiday…" She saw his stricken look. 

"You met someone…" 

She quickly shook her head. "No…no…nothing like that." She drew in a deep breath. "I wasn't in Hawaii though." She saw the fear on his face. "There's nothing wrong. I promise. I just needed to do something…" She sat back and told him about the surgery. She watched him carefully as she spoke, trying to gauge his reaction but all she saw was support and love. "I needed to do it for me. Can you see that?" 

He smiled and lifted her hands to his lips, kissing them several times. "I'm very happy for you. And I'm delighted that you did this for you and you alone. That was the only reason you should have done it." 

She brought his hands to her lips now. "That's why I had to stop before we got too carried away. I'd love nothing more than to…" She blushed. "You know… I'm just not physically able to yet…and…" 

He felt a surge of love for her wash over him and pulled her against him. "Oh Kathryn…being with you is all that matters to me. I can lie with you and love you just as well without us…" He pulled back and smiled down at her. "Without us…you know…" 

She punched at him playfully. "Well, you still knew what I meant…" 

He grew serious a moment and stroked over her cheek. "Elizabeth Fulton once told me that I'd never find the woman I once knew, but she was wrong because I still see her. That woman is still there. You're right. She's grown…been joined by this new one…but she's still Kathryn…and I've discovered I love her just as much. More, in fact, and it's growing day-by-day." He smiled down at her. "I love you, Kathryn. I still feel somewhere deep inside of me that I don't deserve your love in return but…" 

She silenced him with her fingers pressing to his lips. "Can we just accept that we love each other? We were…then we lost our way…but now we've found each other again. Let's just accept the gift we've been given and enjoy watching it grow." 

Chakotay held her hand against his lips and closed his eyes, silently thanking the Spirits for the gift of this woman in his life. "I love you so much. Thank you." When he opened his eyes, he saw his love reflected back to him from her eyes. 

She leaned forward and withdrew her hand, replacing it with her lips. "I love you too." 

* * *

That night Kathryn and Chakotay shared his bed. They lay together all night, whispering and caressing each other, making plans for a future neither of them had ever imagined possible. Towards dawn they fell asleep, still holding each other. As the new day broke, a new beginning came with it and when they finally stirred and looked into each other's eyes, the past fell away. 

Chakotay pulled Kathryn tightly against him. "For a brief moment when I opened my eyes, I was terrified all this had been a cruel dream." 

Kathryn snuggled against him. "It's real, love. It's real. I promise you I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." 

He kissed the top of her head. "I almost lost you. I can't believe how…" 

She sat up quickly, her expression warning him to stop. "Enough of that, Chakotay. We decided this last night. This is our gift now and we just concentrate on our love." 

He tightened his arms around her. "You know, I went to that clinic the first time to help you. In the end, you helped me. You saved me." 

She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you for that." She smiled lovingly at him. "Now…let's get up and out. Our little girl is waiting for us." She saw the tears spring to his eyes and kissed him again. "And I happen to know certain friends of ours who are going to want all the gossip." 

He laughed and groaned at the same time, hugging her tightly to him. "As long as I have my ladies, I don't care who knows what. I know B'Elanna and Tom will grill us but I don't care. I want to scream to the world I feel that happy." He became serious and ran his hand over her hair. "Except for one thing." He drew in a deep breath. "Kathryn…marry me. Do me the honour of being my wife." 

It was Kathryn's turn to become tearful. She stared into his eyes for a moment, not trusting her voice. Finally she nodded. "Yes." 

He smiled down at her. "Yes?" 

She nodded. "Yes. I would love to be your wife." It was another hour before they left the bed. 


	12. Chapter 12

The party was in full swing with laughter filling the house. No uniforms were present, despite most of the guests being Starfleet related. Many of Voyager's crew were there, as well as Kathryn and Chakotay's new friends at the Academy and Elizabeth Fulton and Philip Barrow and their families. 

It was early evening and many of the guests were children. They played noisily in the garden with Miral as usual taking charge of Rose, determined to protect her little charge from the older children. 

B'Elanna stood in a corner with Chakotay, watching her husband with Kathryn and several other crew members. Tom was telling them a joke which had everyone in fits of laughter. 

B'Elanna looked around, smiling at several images of Louise which were placed around the room. 

She turned and looked at her oldest friend. "I can't help but notice all the images of Louise." 

Chakotay looked around as well and nodded. "Kathryn wanted them on display for Rose and for us. It was her idea. In fact, she insisted on it. She wants them there to always be seen. She sees Louise as a part of our family. She's Rose's mother and always will be. Kathryn wants Rose to grow up knowing her own mother." 

B'Elanna shook her head in admiration. "That says a lot about Kathryn. Her strength amazes me. She's a remarkable woman." 

Chakotay smiled as his eyes travelled to his wife. "Yes, she is, and I'll dedicate the rest of my life trying to be worthy of her." He smiled at the look on his friend's face. "B'Elanna, I'm only human. Despite all the counselling I've been to I know I'll always have some guilt over the way I treated her. It won't ever go away or leave me and I can't change that, but I've learned to accept it, live with it and move on. Isn't that what matters most?" 

B'Elanna squeezed his hand. "Yes, it is. And it's wonderful to see you both so happy." 

Chakotay turned his hand and squeezed hers back. "We couldn't be happier. Kathryn's sister even got in touch." 

B'Elanna's eyes widened at that. "Really?" 

He nodded. "It's early days but they're talking. I have great hopes for the Janeway sisters." 

She leaned up and kissed him. "It's everything you both deserve." 

He nodded, watching Kathryn closely. "It's a dream come true." 

* * *

B'Elanna smiled at Kathryn as she passed by with a tray of food later in the evening. "Kathryn, the new house is just beautiful. I love it." 

Kathryn smiled and looked around her. "I love it too. We made the right choice in moving. Chakotay insisted anyway. He wanted somewhere new where we could make a fresh start, somewhere we both picked together. And Rose has settled in so well, which is icing on the cake." 

B'Elanna smiled and nodded at that then patted Kathryn's rounded stomach. "And how is Junior this evening?" 

Kathryn freed a hand to stroke her bump. "He's fine. Active…but fine…" She looked up into the eyes of her friend. "And I'm fine too, before you ask again." 

B'Elanna shrugged. "I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't check." 

Kathryn ran her hand over B'Elanna's matching bump. "And how's your little guy?" 

B'Elanna groaned at that. "He's still playing hoverball in there. Only another month and not a moment too soon." 

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "Three more for me." She stroked her stomach softly. "I'm not in any hurry though. I'm finally at peace with this and I intend to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy." 

B'Elanna reached for her hand and squeezed it. "I know it was hard for you at first, especially with him being a boy…" 

Kathryn sighed at that. "Yes, it was hard and thank God Elizabeth was there for me. She was a great help." She smiled then. "Now we're just looking forward…waiting for our new little boy…a brother for Rose." She drew in a deep breath. "Forward…never back." 

* * *

When the last guest had left, Chakotay finally managed a few minutes alone with his wife. "How are you doing, love?" He stroked over her swollen stomach. "And how's our son?" 

Kathryn laughed as she leaned back against him. "Quiet for the moment. He'll wait until we're in bed before he starts." 

He leaned down and whispered to her bump. "Give your mother a break, young man. She needs her sleep." 

Kathryn shook her head as she watched him. "You think he'll listen?" She laughed again. "I'll just be happy to get off my feet. Swollen ankles are not attractive." 

Chakotay hugged her. "Everything about you is attractive." He nuzzled her neck. "Everything." 

Kathryn swatted at him. "Down boy. That's what got me in this condition to start with." 

He smirked at that. "Well, he's a good contraceptive, isn't he? You can't get pregnant." 

Kathryn rolled her eyes at that. "I'm sure you see some logic in there somewhere." She kissed him softly. "Did you enjoy our house warming?" 

He nodded as he called for the lights off and led his wife up the stairs to bed. "It was perfect. And you're perfect. It's all perfect." 

She hugged him when they reached the landing. "Yes, it is. And it's great to finally feel at peace with that. I'm not looking over my shoulder waiting for something to go wrong anymore. I've finally taken my memories and turned them into dreams. Our dreams. And now they've become reality. It doesn't get much better than that." 

He kissed her softly. "I love the sound of that." He walked them towards the bedroom. "Computer…landing lights out." 

* * *

THE END.


End file.
